I usually never know what’s going to spark a lot of conversation on my Facebook page, and the fact that my recent “birthday cupcake dilemma” quickly spawned over 2,700 comments was honestly quite a surprise! I was truly at a loss though and since I always learn so much from our readers I often turn to you guys when I need advice.
This is what my Facebook post said:
“I am in a bit of a bind (which I totally recognize is a first world problem by the way), but I would love some advice. My daughter turns 8 next week and since all the kids in her class bring cupcakes (or cookies or donuts) for the whole class on their birthday she'd like to follow suit.
Here's the problem: The school no longer allows us to bring in homemade baked goods for the class! It has to be from a commercial kitchen and because her class is nut-free it also has to be from a certified nut-free kitchen (no cross contamination). Believe me I've tried and I cannot find any wholesome bakeries around here that are also nut-free. And I refuse to overnight cupcakes from NYC for a bunch of 2nd graders...not an option! The school's ‘approved’ cupcakes from their cafeteria are highly processed and full of chemicals and artificial ingredients. It's totally against everything I believe in to support products like that.
BUT it's important to my daughter to be able to celebrate like her friends have. Does anyone have a viable solution or should I just suck it up and serve her class something highly processed and artificial? Yikes!!!”
In summary, these were my constraints:
- My daughter specifically asked if she could share cupcakes with her class…and as her mommy I do like to do what I can to make my birthday girls happy! If it were up to me I would probably do something other than food to celebrate at school, but again cupcakes are what the other kids bring so that's what my birthday girl requested as well.
- There is a (new this year) no homemade food rule at her school. Everything that’s shared with the class must come from a commercial kitchen. (You can send homemade items for your individual child only).
- My daughter happens to be in the one nut-free classroom for the 2nd grade. This means several children in her class do in fact have an allergy to peanuts and/or tree nuts therefore no food can be brought in (on any day…in her personal lunchbox or otherwise) that has been made in a facility that also processes nuts. So purchasing cupcakes that don’t contain nuts from a local bakery is not enough. I would have to find a bakery that does not make a single product (ever) that contains nuts! Not an easy feat here in Charlotte, NC.
- The school cafeteria sells highly processed birthday cupcakes that are certified nut-free, but they are also full of chemicals, preservatives, and artificial ingredients. I’ve seen the boxed mix that they use (they are most definitely not made from scratch). I let my kids participate and eat these cupcakes (or cookies or donuts or whatever the parent decides to bring in) when it’s someone else’s birthday, BUT the truth is I don’t like how someone else is giving my kids junk food every.single.time it’s one of the 20+ kids' birthdays in their class. Isn’t that what birthday parties (outside of school) are for? And here’s the kicker…since I’ve somewhat dedicated my life (through this blog) to trying to influence others to cut out processed food it’s kind of a moral dilemma for me to purchase and feed total crap to my kid and the rest of her class. I normally go out of my way to feed anyone and everyone I know the most wholesome food possible - to show how good real food can be! - so it’s only natural for me to feel highly uncomfortable about violating an important personal belief of mine.
All the Advice
So what’s one to do? Ask my Facebook crew for some advice. And man were there some heated responses that frankly were all over the board. Yes, people feel emotional about food decisions - me included. Some readers suggested good non-cupcake alternatives (like fruit kabobs, all fruit popsicles or non-food items like goodie bags, pencils, and books), some suggested alternatives that unfortunately wouldn’t truly be nut-free (Whole Foods or Earth Fare bakery, Edible Arrangements, etc.), some suggested things that just aren’t realistic (like trying to make the cupcakes myself in the certified nut-free commercial cafeteria at the school), some of course suggested that I just "suck it up" and buy the highly processed stuff (unfortunately a child’s own birthday is not the one and only day throughout the year they eat junk food…it’s never really “just one day”), and some also suggested things that are honestly a little unethical (like put my own homemade cupcakes in a grocery store cupcake box). As I mentioned above several kids in her class do in fact have a nut allergy and my house is far from being completely nut-free, so for many reasons faking out the school with my own homemade cupcakes is really not an option. And as I also already mentioned my daughter was dead-set on cupcakes so the fruit and other non-food alternatives unfortunately weren’t going to do the trick. I am normally a big fan of non-food rewards and parties at the school.
Taking a Stand
My daughter is also a child though, and it’s my responsibility to raise her and teach her what I think are important lessons along the way. Funny enough one reader (on Spoonfed's Facebook page) said she didn’t understand why people were saying for me not to inflict my own beliefs on my kids. She said “Really? Isn't that EXACTLY what we as parents are supposed to do? Especially in this case where her ‘beliefs’ are in place to make her kids healthy.” Yes, I want to be flexible and fun and make special memories for my children (which by the way DO NOT have to involve highly processed food), but I couldn’t believe how many readers went out of their way to email me and come write on my FB wall that I should not give in because it’s important to teach my children to stand up for what they believe in. Freaking amen to that. I explained to my daughter the constraints and then I truthfully asked her if she wanted to feed her friends cupcakes that contained chemicals. She of course said “no” (that’s my girl). You see, real food is no new topic around here plus - for the most part - kids want to do the right thing. And just for the record, if more wholesome, homemade cupcakes were an option we would be all over it. This dilemma is not about never having treats – I don’t think that’s any way to live. This is about not knowingly buying and serving chemically-filled, artificially made crap to our children.
So I gave my soon to be 8-year-old a long list of ideas (thanks to the reader comments) and asked her what - if any - would be an alternative to cupcakes that she would be excited about. After some deliberation she decided on ice cream…yay! I think it is MUCH easier to find somewhat wholesome store-bought ice cream that is also nut free. Plus I learned it is okay to bring in a big container to scoop out right there at the lunch table and also share some nut-free toppings to make a sort of “ice cream bar” for the kids. We eat ice cream at home occasionally and although we make it ourselves (yum) I think store bought, all-natural, organic ice cream is a totally acceptable treat to share at a time like this! She got so excited about the idea of offering an ice cream bar that she seriously didn’t say another word about the cupcakes. As I said she is a child after all, and I am honestly just relieved that we figured out a way for everyone to be happy…me included. :)
The Details
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In addition to the nut allergies my daughter's class also has three children with dairy allergies! So this is what we ended up bringing to school for her birthday celebration today:
- Nut-free organic store-brand vanilla ice cream
- Nut-free AND dairy-free organic coconut milk ice cream (for the 3 kids who can't have dairy)
- Enjoy Life chocolate chips that are both certified nut-free and dairy-free
- Organic Florida strawberries
Some schools in our district have gone "treat-free" all together when it comes to celebrating birthdays, and I am only hoping that will happen in our school at some point. Trying to accommodate everyone's needs today (including my own) was no small feat!
Dawn says
Thank you, thank you! With 3 kids' birthdays coming up over the next few months, our school also "banning" homemade treats (which I normally send), and all 3 classes having nut allergies, I have been at a loss for what to do for our children's birthdays. I love this idea, and will see if it something that I can do too! I love the non-food ideas too, but for us this is a great option! We all have our own preferences. :)
Courtney says
Oh how I wish your daughter was in my son's class (he turned 8 day before yesterday and we had this very same conundrum)!! I did end up doing rainbow fruit skewers, but this was after I had already offered to make cookies-- I thought better of it and I was SO PROUD of my big boy for taking it with so much grace. He made them with me and was actually very excited about bringing "a healthy snack" as he put it. I love your blog! Keep up the good work.
Chad A says
Less sugar, more math please.
Kerrie says
Well on coming up with such a wonderful, creative and fun solution! I bet the kids loved it too. I mean, cupcakes aren't that great anyways and having them 20 times a year just at school would get a bit old a bit quick IMO. Congrats :)
Kerrie says
That should start *Well done
Ashley Boyer says
That's awesome! I think you taught your daughter an important principle today that can be applied to other aspects in life. I'm so glad it all worked out for you and your daughter too.
Samantha says
Oh thank god it all worked out and you didn't get the nasty, chemically laden cupcakes! It was a heated debate, I thoroughly enjoyed reading peoples comments!
Joan says
I am a little offended by this post. I did not think when you asked for help that you were going to critique my answer. I quoted your original post and was someone who said "suck it up" and I stick to that. No, I don't want my kid eating oreos in the middle of the day but I would prefer her to have something I know is safe for her - that is MY first priority.
I do not know how it would work at your school but as a parent with a child with food allergies I would not be comfortable unless I read the labels of what my child was getting myself. I'm glad this solution worked out for you and it sounds great but if my daughter was in that class she would have been left out unless I was there to oversee the snack.
Our school does not allow snacks or any food for any parties and I love that. If you ask people for help and plan to critize their answers I'll keep my opinion to myself.
Lisa says
Joan - I am so sorry you feel that way. Yes, people were quoting what I originally said "suck it up" (I am the one who said that), and I didn't mean for offense to be taken as I deliberated all the advice "out loud" on this post. This blog is my truthful and honest opinion as our family seeks out the real food in a processed food world...bumps in the road included. I value my readers and all that I learn from them!
Cameron says
Love the solution! So healthy and creative!
Susan Cox says
And by the way...what a GREAT idea. LOVE it!!
Jenn says
Happy Birthday to your daughter! I love what you guys decided to do! I do have one question though. What does your daughter do when all the other kids bring in treats for their birthdays? Does she just not participate? And if so, is she ok with that? My kids are not old enough for school yet so I am just wondering what you do.
Lisa says
I actually do let my kids participate in the treats they are serving at school, parties, holiday celebrations, etc. I figure if I NEVER server them highly processed junk food then they will be truly eating it in moderation that way. It's amazing just how much junk food they do get at school, but I do recognize there is a social aspect as well so that influenced my decision. I could never eat a grocery store cupcake again and be fine, but I tell my husband all the time "We've been there, done that, but they have not." so it has a different meaning for them. At birthday parties though I usually tell them to ask for water instead of juice to at least lessen the sugar high!
Jenn says
Thanks so much for replying! I really enjoy your blog and all your advice! :) I will have to keep this in mind for when my kids start school in a year or two.
Emelia says
Excellent update and wonderful ending to the story! Bravo to you. :-)
Susan Cox says
I was faced with the exact same dilemma several months ago. Fortunately, it was another boy's bday on the same day so I opted to do nothing since I knew my son would already be getting a cupcake. I know, I took the easy way out. BUT, I'm getting SO fed up with the school system. Makes me glad I homeschooled my oldest two. In our state, it is a LAW that the kids take a milk with the lunch even though we discourage our kids from drinking pasteurized milk. I don't have a problem with them serving milk at school. But I do have a problem with them imposing it on my child...who gets sick every time he drinks it. The only way he can opt for a different drink is if he gets a note from his doc who isn't convinced he has dairy issues. I'm trying to get up the courage (and the energy) to start fighting all these ridiculous food rules. I just don't want the government telling me what my kids have to eat!! But from where I stand I feel like David fighting Goliath.
Assistant to 100 Days (Jill) says
Hi Susan. Sorry to hear about the strict rules at your school. What happens if a child does not purchase lunch though, I'm assuming they can't force them to get milk. I agree it must be frustrating. Best of luck, hope you are able to tackle the issue successfully. Jill
Denice says
I wonder if anyone stopped to consider why there are so many nut and dairy allergies. My theory is that some, if not the majority of these types of food allergies in children are brought on by the consumption of all the artificial and perservative-laden foods we eat (not to mention the GMOs!)I don't envy parents with children with allergies because I've seen what it does to the children's social activities. But I do think, if we all start rejecting the GMOs, HFCS and other 'junk', future generations won't have all these allergies.
Susan says
Denice- I wondered this question out loud myself once and this is one of the answers I received: Lack of proper gut flora. Our guts are destroyed before we even come out of the womb, because, of course, the mother's diet was filled with chemical food. (The best way to get a great start on gut flora is to be delivered vaginally as the last gulp of amniotic fluid helps give balance to the flora.)
Then we come out into the great big world and the assault begins. We're given formula made from HFCS, which is GMO, and made with water with chemicals in it. Then we move onto baby foods that if not organic, then they are sprayed with pesticides, etc and it just snow balls from there as we age.
We are assaulted by chemicals all day long, its actually pretty surprising that any of us have survived anything!
Jason Leake with 100 Days of Real Food says
Denice - This topic is covered extensively in Robyn O'Brien's book, “The Unhealthy Truth,†which is definitely a recommended read. I recently interviewed her so be on the lookout for the post in a week or so!
Tracy says
Good for you for sticking to your guns and raising your kids with the understanding that the purpose of food is to fuel your body and that too much of the "food" out there doesn't do it!
That being said, regarding the ice cream, two of my FAVORITE ice creams that I believe are phenomenal are Alden's Organic and Talenti Gelato. The Talenti is not organic, but they have readable, real ingredients as well as a list of what they DON'T contain on the side of the container. They are pricey, but so worth it!
colleen says
Interesting My 22 yr old daughter and I were just talking about this today, she has a coworker who is 19 and expecting and it bothers my daughter all the garbage she eats.
Heather says
Good for you! I, too, was amazed at the huge variance amongst reader answers. I like that you stuck to your guns. It doesn't surprise me that your daughter was open to other options--especially when you gave her a list to choose from. I don't remember having "treats" for classmates birthdays when I was growing up and I hope that goes out of favor before we have school age children. All of the dietary restrictions are enough to make even the sanest of people want to run screaming from the room and if I had a child with a serious food allergy, I would have a difficult time trusting even the "treats" made in the school kitchen. I give you kudos for coming to a solution that didn't compromise your beliefs but also was fun for your daughter!
Megan M. says
That is a really great solution and it's so sweet and responsible of your daughter to put her friends' health above what she wants. I know your heart must have swelled with pride!
I honestly cannot believe the amount of people that give you grief for wanting to give your family HEALTHY FOOD. I just can't imagine what they're thinking!
Ashley Morgan says
Good for you!! More parents should do the same for their children and the other children involved.
Ash V says
Good for you. I didn't weigh in when you asked for opinions on Facebook, but I hoped you wouldn't give in. You have to stand up for what you believe in, even when it's difficult. Good for her too for being open to other options! Also, I think kids need to learn that sometimes it's okay not to "fit in" with the others. It's a good lesson to teach-don't go with the crowd if the crowd is doing something opposite to what you value.
M says
I bet all the kids really enjoyed that! Seems so much more fun than just a cupcake. And seriously, I don't understand all the people who told you to give in. I don't think they are haters, I think they are lazy and don't care.
Jill says
That is so awesome! Good for you! I'm sure all the other kids will remember this, think it was the best, and wish/hope they could do the ice cream sundae thing for their birthdays now too! GREAT solution!
Nancy says
This brought a tear to my eye, too. I will be providing cupcakes for my daughter's 4th birthday classroom celebration in a few weeks. It will be the first time she has been able to eat the same birthday cupcakes as the rest of the class due to her multiple food allergies. (Fortunately, I can bring homemade.) It made me so happy to see that you were able to come up with a healthy solution that included the kids in the class with allergies.
Oh, and your daughter is adorable! Happy birthday to her!
Hannah Mayes says
So happy you came up with a solution and you both were happy!! Such an inspiration and reminder to never give in and find an alternative!
Marisa says
What a perfect solution!
Pat Grimm says
Great solution! I don't think I posted a reply to your dilemma, but I was just going to second someone else's ice cream idea. I wasn't sure how easy it would be to find certified nut free ice cream, though. BTW, if you ever want to splurge and get a treat while at the mall or something, Haagen Dazs ice cream contains only a few ingredients (vanilla contains - cream, skim milk, sugar, egg yolks, vanilla extract). It's not ogranic, but it's mostly real.
Leen says
I am so happy you explained the situation to your daughter and she changed her mind on the cupcakes. What a great idea to bring ice cream! And it doesn't seem like she (or the class) missed out at all! :)
Nicole(Whole Strides) says
I'm glad to see you were able to come up with an alternative. Our kids' school had rules on birthday treats, too, and it led to some interesting solutions. I think the ice cream is a nice middle ground.
Heather Powell-Thornhill says
Good for you for taking a stand and offering alternatives.
statgirl says
I LOVE that in the end, you decided to include your daughter in the decision-making process. That's truly the best way to teach her healthy living, by helping her think critically about the decisions she makes. Also, you modeled respect for her desires and opinions. And together the two of you came up with a win-win solution. A great example of mothering well!!
Misty says
Kudos to you for sticking to your guns! I totally believe in sticking with your convictions! I was absolutely appalled at some people's suggestions! Especially the ones who downright ignored a nut allergy! Again, kudos to you! And thank you for being such a good source on whole foods
Lisa C. says
Bravo! So proud of you!
Emily Monahan says
Way to go Mom. Thanks for being a great role model to us all.
Barbara says
So glad it worked out for you , that sounds like a great idea. It is harder now days to celebrate things like Birthdays at school.I wondered what you did,now I know.
Katie says
I am glad you didn't give in and serve cupcakes. I couldn't believe all the people on FB telling you to suck it up. Why do they follow your blog if they don't believe in what you are trying to do? Some people are just haters.
Colleen says
What a GREAT idea!!! You should be so proud of your Birthday Girl who had to make a very tough, but delicious, decision!! This was/is a fantastic life lesson, too!! Way to go, Lisa!! :)
Marcy says
I liked your solution, even though if my child was in your daughters class room he still would not be able to participate in the celebration via food. He is allergic or intolerant to dairy, soy, tree nuts, peanuts, wheat, eggs, fish, coconut, lemon, peas, green beans and cumin. Eating whole real foods is our way of life and I'm so glad I've found your fb page to follow.
Lisa says
Wow Marcy...sounds like you have your hands full over there! Although you son could have had a strawberry, right? And maybe even a chocolate chip? :)
Heidi says
Glad you were able to find a workable alternative. Our elementary school has gone treat free for birthdays and I think it is great. Treat time just takes away too much from school time. The birthday kid does get a paper crown and the class makes and signs a card for them. Works for me...hope you can convince your school to do the same.
Angi says
As the mother of children with food allergies (including nuts, but also others) this brought tears to my eyes. It is rare that a parent would go to all of that just to make sure everyone (including those allergic to milk) are included in the treat. Those 3 children probably are excluded from the chemical filled cupcakes at every party.
mer says
I am in a similar situation and agree!
Kimberly says
I definitely agree with the kudos for including the dairy allergic children.
Julia says
Amazing. Your extra effort probably made a tremendous impact on those children and their mothers who heard about your kindness. I have a child with severe dairy, egg, and peanut allergies and it makes me tear up any time someone goes out of their way to include him.
Callie Thompson says
I think this is absolutely wonderful, it is exactly what I brought for my birthday every year of my elementary school life. Happy Birthday to your daughter! And an atta girl to you for sticking to your guns and still being reasonable! :)
Erin R says
What a great food-related compromise! Congratulations on finding a way to adhere to your beliefs in a school system that hasn't gotten it together to ban food-related celebrations yet.
Jenny says
So glad you were able to come up with something that made you BOTH happy!