I usually never know what’s going to spark a lot of conversation on my Facebook page, and the fact that my recent “birthday cupcake dilemma” quickly spawned over 2,700 comments was honestly quite a surprise! I was truly at a loss though and since I always learn so much from our readers I often turn to you guys when I need advice.
This is what my Facebook post said:
“I am in a bit of a bind (which I totally recognize is a first world problem by the way), but I would love some advice. My daughter turns 8 next week and since all the kids in her class bring cupcakes (or cookies or donuts) for the whole class on their birthday she'd like to follow suit.
Here's the problem: The school no longer allows us to bring in homemade baked goods for the class! It has to be from a commercial kitchen and because her class is nut-free it also has to be from a certified nut-free kitchen (no cross contamination). Believe me I've tried and I cannot find any wholesome bakeries around here that are also nut-free. And I refuse to overnight cupcakes from NYC for a bunch of 2nd graders...not an option! The school's ‘approved’ cupcakes from their cafeteria are highly processed and full of chemicals and artificial ingredients. It's totally against everything I believe in to support products like that.
BUT it's important to my daughter to be able to celebrate like her friends have. Does anyone have a viable solution or should I just suck it up and serve her class something highly processed and artificial? Yikes!!!”
In summary, these were my constraints:
- My daughter specifically asked if she could share cupcakes with her class…and as her mommy I do like to do what I can to make my birthday girls happy! If it were up to me I would probably do something other than food to celebrate at school, but again cupcakes are what the other kids bring so that's what my birthday girl requested as well.
- There is a (new this year) no homemade food rule at her school. Everything that’s shared with the class must come from a commercial kitchen. (You can send homemade items for your individual child only).
- My daughter happens to be in the one nut-free classroom for the 2nd grade. This means several children in her class do in fact have an allergy to peanuts and/or tree nuts therefore no food can be brought in (on any day…in her personal lunchbox or otherwise) that has been made in a facility that also processes nuts. So purchasing cupcakes that don’t contain nuts from a local bakery is not enough. I would have to find a bakery that does not make a single product (ever) that contains nuts! Not an easy feat here in Charlotte, NC.
- The school cafeteria sells highly processed birthday cupcakes that are certified nut-free, but they are also full of chemicals, preservatives, and artificial ingredients. I’ve seen the boxed mix that they use (they are most definitely not made from scratch). I let my kids participate and eat these cupcakes (or cookies or donuts or whatever the parent decides to bring in) when it’s someone else’s birthday, BUT the truth is I don’t like how someone else is giving my kids junk food every.single.time it’s one of the 20+ kids' birthdays in their class. Isn’t that what birthday parties (outside of school) are for? And here’s the kicker…since I’ve somewhat dedicated my life (through this blog) to trying to influence others to cut out processed food it’s kind of a moral dilemma for me to purchase and feed total crap to my kid and the rest of her class. I normally go out of my way to feed anyone and everyone I know the most wholesome food possible - to show how good real food can be! - so it’s only natural for me to feel highly uncomfortable about violating an important personal belief of mine.
All the Advice
So what’s one to do? Ask my Facebook crew for some advice. And man were there some heated responses that frankly were all over the board. Yes, people feel emotional about food decisions - me included. Some readers suggested good non-cupcake alternatives (like fruit kabobs, all fruit popsicles or non-food items like goodie bags, pencils, and books), some suggested alternatives that unfortunately wouldn’t truly be nut-free (Whole Foods or Earth Fare bakery, Edible Arrangements, etc.), some suggested things that just aren’t realistic (like trying to make the cupcakes myself in the certified nut-free commercial cafeteria at the school), some of course suggested that I just "suck it up" and buy the highly processed stuff (unfortunately a child’s own birthday is not the one and only day throughout the year they eat junk food…it’s never really “just one day”), and some also suggested things that are honestly a little unethical (like put my own homemade cupcakes in a grocery store cupcake box). As I mentioned above several kids in her class do in fact have a nut allergy and my house is far from being completely nut-free, so for many reasons faking out the school with my own homemade cupcakes is really not an option. And as I also already mentioned my daughter was dead-set on cupcakes so the fruit and other non-food alternatives unfortunately weren’t going to do the trick. I am normally a big fan of non-food rewards and parties at the school.
Taking a Stand
My daughter is also a child though, and it’s my responsibility to raise her and teach her what I think are important lessons along the way. Funny enough one reader (on Spoonfed's Facebook page) said she didn’t understand why people were saying for me not to inflict my own beliefs on my kids. She said “Really? Isn't that EXACTLY what we as parents are supposed to do? Especially in this case where her ‘beliefs’ are in place to make her kids healthy.” Yes, I want to be flexible and fun and make special memories for my children (which by the way DO NOT have to involve highly processed food), but I couldn’t believe how many readers went out of their way to email me and come write on my FB wall that I should not give in because it’s important to teach my children to stand up for what they believe in. Freaking amen to that. I explained to my daughter the constraints and then I truthfully asked her if she wanted to feed her friends cupcakes that contained chemicals. She of course said “no” (that’s my girl). You see, real food is no new topic around here plus - for the most part - kids want to do the right thing. And just for the record, if more wholesome, homemade cupcakes were an option we would be all over it. This dilemma is not about never having treats – I don’t think that’s any way to live. This is about not knowingly buying and serving chemically-filled, artificially made crap to our children.
So I gave my soon to be 8-year-old a long list of ideas (thanks to the reader comments) and asked her what - if any - would be an alternative to cupcakes that she would be excited about. After some deliberation she decided on ice cream…yay! I think it is MUCH easier to find somewhat wholesome store-bought ice cream that is also nut free. Plus I learned it is okay to bring in a big container to scoop out right there at the lunch table and also share some nut-free toppings to make a sort of “ice cream bar” for the kids. We eat ice cream at home occasionally and although we make it ourselves (yum) I think store bought, all-natural, organic ice cream is a totally acceptable treat to share at a time like this! She got so excited about the idea of offering an ice cream bar that she seriously didn’t say another word about the cupcakes. As I said she is a child after all, and I am honestly just relieved that we figured out a way for everyone to be happy…me included. :)
The Details
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In addition to the nut allergies my daughter's class also has three children with dairy allergies! So this is what we ended up bringing to school for her birthday celebration today:
- Nut-free organic store-brand vanilla ice cream
- Nut-free AND dairy-free organic coconut milk ice cream (for the 3 kids who can't have dairy)
- Enjoy Life chocolate chips that are both certified nut-free and dairy-free
- Organic Florida strawberries
Some schools in our district have gone "treat-free" all together when it comes to celebrating birthdays, and I am only hoping that will happen in our school at some point. Trying to accommodate everyone's needs today (including my own) was no small feat!
Rachel Assuncao says
Oh, reading this makes me want to cry tears of joy. I wish more and more parents would take this approach.
Today at my daughter's school I learned that the school has been feeding the children a common shared snack for the last month in an experiment to see if it would make the school day smoother. She is 5 and can't explain clearly why she wasn't eating her own food. The school wanted to have results of the experiment in hand before they told parents they were feeding their kids!
The bottom line was that if I wasn't willing to continue allowing my daughter to participate in the shared snack that she would be expelled from the school. So, coming to read something like this gives me hope in the world!
Rachel Loth says
Rachel Assuncao - that is RIDICULOUS!!!!! Oh my goodness I would be so furious. I'd see red. They should not be experimenting with 5yr olds. Even despite all the food allergies kids have these days, that is so unethical. WOW. Im so sorry. I really doubt its legal to tell you that she has to eat the snack or she's expelled. If you know any lawyers I'd give them a call about that.
Sarah says
I'm with Rachel Loth, I'd be talking to an attorney. I can't even begin to articulate my frustration, anger, just rage over reading that a school would do that. I'm just disgusted with the absolute laziness of so many people. I'm also sick of being beat up by so many people for doing the right thing for my family. I'm completely frustrated with all of the parents who won't do or say anything but come up to me privately and say they don't like what's happening. I tell them to speak up but they don't.
Julie Penne says
Awesome. You are an awesome Mom for putting so much time into this to make your daughter happy. I like to make birthdays as special as possible too. Also awesome for for being so patient with all of those FB posts...I had to stop reading because some of them were so unnerving! And very awesome for not giving in and coming up with an alternative and letting your daughter be part of that decision. I had a feeling there'd be an excellent alternative she'd like. I bet all the kids were happy to have a nice change and delicious ice cream bar! Thanks for always being an inspiration! Maybe we can all change the world one snack at a time. :)
Michelle says
What a great idea! Way to involve your child for some critical thinking. You are a fantastic mom and what you are doing for your family and others is honorable. Keep up the good work!
tara says
LOOOOVE it!! So glad it all worked out well.
Our school has a junk-free policy for birthdays which I love. This year one of my kids classroom's has adopted the crunch and sip program for all snacks (as well as birthdays), which I am all for although it is a bit challenging sometimes.
http://www.crunchandsip.com.au/
Marissa - Hip & Healthy Kids says
Way to go on finding a feasible solution for all involved. As a fellow health advocate (and mother), I completely relate with your thought process. We are already challenged in so many ways (food companies, etc.) to choose the best options for our families.
The greatest part of your story is definitely the fact that your daughter chose the positive outcome. One more influential powerhouse growing up to help us change this world. Nice job mama! :)
-Marissa (Hip & Healthy Kids)
Marissa - Hip & Healthy Kids says
Brice says
Lisa, as a parent of a child with severe food allergies, I very much appreciate your efforts to respect the needs of the children in your daughter's class AND stay true to your own beliefs to serve something that wasn't (so) full of junk! Thank you for sharing this story!
Fiona says
Glad you found a solution. My child's school is treat-free on birthdays, which isn't the end of the world, because I don't remember kids in the 1970s bringing cupcakes to school, and I survived.
Shannon says
I'm so incredibly proud of you for sticking to your guns and working with your daughter to find a solution that made you both happy... and everyone in her class! Great job, mom!!!
S. Davis says
excellent - love how you sought to honor your child, your personal convictions, and the "special needs" in the classroom - just love it!
Emily S. says
My food allergy kid isn't even IN school yet, but I'm already frustrated with the utter crap my kids get handed to them so frequently. 20% of American kids are obese (http://www.cdc.gov/healthyyouth/obesity/facts.htm), and there are cupcakes in the classroom. This blows my mind. Kids don't need Skittles or jelly beans to learn to count, they don't need candy canes and kisses around Christmas, and they don't need birthday treats! Why is this still even an issue? I can't even imagine what I'm going to be facing when my little guy hits school age (preschool might start next year). School lunch is enough junk food...
Andrea Stock says
Way to go! I'm so happy to hear you stuck to your beliefs and talked openly with your daughter. Kids are smart!
I'm so encouraged by this story and outcome.
Wendy Whitehill says
Nice job! And way to stick to your convictions!
Meredith says
AWESOME!! Great solution.
Sonya says
I love how you worked it out with your daughter. Our kindergarten teacher would do an appreciation ceremony where she would light a candle and say things she appreciated about the birthday-girl or boy and then they would go around the circle and each child would say an appreciation about the birthday child. (Treats might follow) but at least the ceremony part was about the child!
Stacie says
Glad you stuck to your guns and came to a solution with your daughter!
However, coconut is considered a treenut and I am very surprised you were able to bring it in!
Stacy P. says
Way to go, Mom (and daughter!). What a wonderful solution. I am going to save this for my kids' birthday celebrations.. :)
Julie Moore says
Let me just say, I feel your pain! I am the same way about treats going to school, wanting to accomodate the allergies and keep it a little more on the healthier end. It is NOT easy, and I have gotten some of the weirdest looks. I'll tell you what, though, the kiddos who had the allergies were sure happy, and so were their mommies and daddies, and everyone appreciated the times I was able to bring in the "slightly better for you" treats...especially my kids. That made it all worth it. And, for the record, we discuss options with our kids, too, and sometimes they are the ones who pick options even healthier than I would go! Makes me proud! :) Anyway, I'm so glad that you were able to "do the right thing" and have your teachable moment, too! Looks like it was a roaring success! :)
Molly says
Great solution coming up with something even more fun to overshadow the impossible to find cupcake!
And as a parent of a severely nut allergic child, thanks for not "tricking" the class by bringing your own. My daughter has approx 5 minutes to get epinephrine in her and its nerve wrecking thinking of someone else accidentally feeding my child something at school. That being said, I personally loved it when one year my daughters teacher asked the parents to tell her in advance what was being brought for a celebration so that I could bring a identical substitute in so my daughter doesn't always feel like an "issue". :( and as long as the treat didn't contain actual nuts, being processed around them weren't a problem since she wasn't eating them. We felt less like a nuisance to everyone and she felt more included (this year they just don't let her have anything :(
Molly says
Sounds like a win-win situation. Your daughter gets to share a birthday treat with her classmates, everyone is safe and you have not had to compromise your principles. My cousin's son has multiple food allergies and I am learning that allergy friendly is usually not healthy. For example, Oreos are fine for him but a local, organic bakery is not. Go figure.
Becca says
You are one awesome Mommy!
Chelsie S says
Love it! Hope the other kiddos loved it enough to follow suit on their birthdays :-) If everyone brought different things maybe none of the kids will think that they HAVE to bring cupcakes but see that they can have a lot of fun trying things that are different and healthy.
Bobbie says
You forgot Facebook posts that said 'talk to the school about how you felt about processed food' and personally saying that the cafeteria idea was not realistic was kinda rude. I generally don't care and I didn't suggest that, but if you HAD talked to the school about it I don't see how unrealistic it is to have you create something in a cafeteria kitchen if you had permission. it just comes off wrong to me as a reader.
Lisa says
Bobbie - The reason that was not realistic for me is because of the time that it would take to carry it out (not because it's not a good idea). I work full time and am a mom and only had a few days warning to figure this out. Just for the record I have talked to my school PLENTY about this topic already and will most certainly be bringing up birthday treats in the future: https://www.100daysofrealfood.com/2012/10/04/the-healthy-child-and-earth-committee-at-our-school/
Economies of Kale says
I'm so glad that you were able to work out a compromise with your daughter :) My mum is a teacher and with all of the allergies, they moved to having a cardboard cake for kids' birthdays. Yes it meant that the kids were not eating junk food, but it also was a bit sad.
Trish says
Wow, so proud of you! That was quite a dilemma that I would have just gave into. You are an inspiration. Thank you!
Michelle says
That's an AWESOME compromise, and I think that an ice cream bar is much more enjoyable than cupcakes anyway. I also love that you gave her a list and let her choose.
Kacie says
Lisa,
I think you are a wonderful mother. I feel very strongly that parents really want to do what's best for their children. We do the best we can with the resources we have and what we know. I for one have learned so much from this blog and your facebook page. There were some responses on this particular post, that frankly, we're very offensive. The one that bothered me the most was "Just make your own cupcakes and put them in the store bought container". This to me shows a real lapse in integrity. I know children that have serious peanut allergies. God forbid something get cross contaminated (by accident of course) and a child have a reaction. How would the parent feel? How would the child feel knowing the "treat" they made for the class harmed one of their friends? I try very hard to be open minded and not to judge others. I don't judge that particular mother even because that's not who I am. However, I would hope when and if parents find themselves in this kind of situation that they use their brains and think of ways to make their child feel excited and happy, but also follow the rules and regulations that are there for reasons.
On a side note... I had a proud moment today! I was at a play group with 5 other mothers. There were some wholesome food options, but many foods that I would consider "non-food". My son went straight for the strawberries and carrot sticks! I was so happy I almost cried! When he did that, the conversation began among the mothers and I'm happy to say that you have 5 new fans on facebook! We eat clean in our home (with our "treat" day being Saturday) and it's all because I came across this blog. Once I was on the wagon, I never looked back! Wahoo!!!
Katie says
Great solution all around! I love this site and you continue to offer such great ideas!
I have to say I was absolutely HORRIFIED by some of the comments on Facebook. My daughters have severe food allergies and I was disgusted thinking that I may not be able to trust other parents to follow rules that are there to protect kids like mine. Trust me, if someone were to follow thru with some of those lame-brain ideas (like using a bakery box for treats that didn't come from that business), at our school, there would be legal action.
I was also angered by those who suggested ostracizing the kids with food allergies. In particular, one comment about kicking them out of the class during the party. So, those kids get removed from the class 25+ times a year so the other kids can have a party? Wow, just wow.
colleen says
Regrettably, it is really hard to trust anyone, when it comes to food and safety. I had a baby-shower recently and a friend brought soup that looked wonderful. I found out it contained MSG, shellfish and milk which I have very bad reactions to including facial swelling and uncontrollable sneezing. I told her I was sorry I could not have any and she responded how about a just a little...another time a friend told me not to read the label just eat it and worry about later. They just don't get. I wish I could just eat whatever and not have to worry about it!
Katie Liz says
@Kacie and Katie: I understand how serious allergies can be, but it isn't fair to punish the rest of the class just because of one child's problem. Peanut butter(and other peanut products) was, and still is, one of my favorite foods. It is an essential part of childhood! You cannot make dozens of other children suffer and miss out on PB&J sandwiches, PB cookies, and products that *might* be cross-contaminated. If your child really is THAT sensitive, he/she can just leave the room and work quietly in another classroom/school office/etc. The other children could even go out of there way to wash their hands, wipe down their desks, and throw away the trash before you son/daughter re-enters the classroom. It is absolutely wrong and it sickens me that children are being forced to sacrifice their favorite foods because of kids like yours. :((
Katie says
@Katie Liz, to save you from being sickened from a kid like mine, or punished, or make such a huge sacrifice, how about your kid leaves the classroom to go gorge on this "essential part of childhood". Good god, do you really think we enjoy having to deal with a truly life-threatening situation? Just count yourself lucky...
Beth says
I honestly don't understand this mentality. It's not like your child is on lock-down from EVER eating peanut butter again in their entire life. Just not at school. And really, if your biggest problem is that your child can't have a PB&J at school, then I seriously think you need to sit down and think about your privilege. IT'S PEANUT BUTTER. A FOOD. JUST A FOOD. It's not that' big of a deal. Really. Breathe. You and your kid will be fine.
Lisa says
I am so glad to hear about your proud moment today...it's the little things! And thanks for helping me spread the word :)
Suzanne says
I'm surprised they let you bring in coconut ice cream to a nut free school! Our school is also but free and we can't bring in anything with coconut. Glad the day worked out!
Leash says
Coconuts are actually in that palm family and have no association with tree nuts. They are generally categorized as a seed or a hard shelled fruit. The FDA recently started adding coconuts to the list categorized as "tree nuts" but scientifically they are in no way related to them and although people with tree nut allergy can have allergies to coconuts there is no scientific evidence that one is linked to the other.
Lisa says
The school isn't nut-free just her class, but yes coconut is allowed.
Karen says
With the obesity epidemic, it absolutely FLOORS me that there are still cupcakes sprouting arms and legs, and walking in and out of our classrooms daily! Maybe there wouldn't be so many food allergies if we stop putting all this crap into our bodies!
Good job solving this dilemma but I agree with the post above. We didn't eat all this food in class growing up and we didn't starve.....we didn't get fat or have diabetes either!
I have a son who can't eat chemical laden food for fear of allergic reactions to the chemicals. I got sick of being the food police and it's one of the reasons I now homeschool. Also as a former public school teacher, I would NEVER want to have to spend all my time figuring all this out for 28 kids in a classroom...... Crazy if you ask me!
Tracey says
Good for you! And your daughter who seems to have found an acceptable to have a birthday treat with her friends while also staying away from processed/artificial icky stuff!
I saw your FB post and was actually really confused why people were telling you to just "suck it up" and let her have the processed cupcakes. I go through this all. the. time. with my parents who insist that a little treat "once in a while" won't hurt! Well, when you get treats like that at school, at the grandparents, at friends houses for play dates, church, etc. it adds up to more than "once in a while!"
Great job mom! I appreciate your take and stance on real food!
Heather says
I love how you shared a few different options to your child and let her pick which one she would like. I love the idea of the ice cream bar. My kids are allergic to dairy so that wouldn't work for us but thankfully our school has not forced us to purchase baked goods. I sure hope they never do because with all of my kids allergies, it would be impossible to afford to bring in anything for school treats if I couldn't make it myself! And the parents at our school are still very big on bringing in treats for birthdays. I send in a cupcake for every birthday so my daughter can have something that doesn't have dairy in it.
Tracy Ann says
Thank you for keeping it real. Talking about all aspects, good and bad, of eating real food. And most importantly, modeling the change you want to see in this world. You rock!
Nicole says
A ice cream bar! I want that for my birthday! :) good choice! I just started making a menu for my 1 year olds birthday I have a 2 1/2 year old do I'll have a lot of little guys around and I want to have a great healthy non toxic party. I'm getting a lot of greatful for being picky with food choices but I want to prove that it can be done! Going to order some food dye today off amazon!
Robin says
I don't like when people generalize- no to this unhealty cupcake choice must mean we never let them have any treats ever. It's not true and it's mean. My sons get plenty of treats, but I wouldn't have been able to give in to the cupcake issue ether.
I'm glad your daughter found something that worked for her. I wish my school was treat-free. The kids bring in absolute junk for their birthdays. I feel awful passing it out to each kid, but unless the school changes the policy, what can I do?
Linda Glotfelty says
Good idea, not even much of a compromise.
I am with you -- what about birthday parties at home? As a teacher, there is no way that I could allow the time out of my required "bell-to-bell instruction" to throw a birthday party in class. I look forward to the day when my whole school or district takes a stand -- as it is, fewer and fewer families send in birthday cupcakes, and we either send them with the kids to lunch or send them out the door with them at dismissal. We feed our students breakfast, lunch, and afternoon (fruit or vegetable)snack. That's enough eating!
Tanya says
Hi Lisa! I didn't see your original post, but have you checked with Decadent Designs Bakery in Ballantyne? I know they do nut-free baking, as my child has a nut allergy. I have not been as diligent as you about ingredients, although we are making strides as a family to eat more whole foods. Thank you for the inspiration!
Lisa says
I did not know about them...good to know for future reference!
izzi says
I think that if you had not already had this conversation with your daughter about bringing something other than cupcakes, then you should not have posted this question! I was someone who suggested, What about bringing Mini Cupcakes, since you said you HAD to have cupcakes, and you HAD to have it from a store!! Next time you should provide all the info, ie, that you hadn't honestly spoken to your daughter about your concerns and such. I think she would have said that right away and you could have avoided the whole situation. I'm glad it worked out. And I wish more schools would ban any food parties for bdays and holidays. Or maybe just 1x a year. I guess I'm of the mind that, yes, you explain your beliefs but you can compromise if you have to, which you led us to believe based on your question, then you critique us for saying, sometimes you may have to compromise! The whole thing's kind of a mess. Anyway, glad she had a fun ice cream bar!! Good for you for figuring it out too.
Lisa says
izzi - Posting my question (and seeing the answers) is what gave me the idea that there might be some better alternatives that could be just as much fun as cupcakes! So sharing my dilemma helped me out quite a bit. :)
Susan says
I love this!! As my husband always says, "There are no problems. Only solutions!"
Kristen says
I'm cracking up over the fact that some people actually gave you the canned "don't inflict your beliefs on your children" argument. IN REGARDS TO EATING HEALTHY, TAKING CARE OF YOUR ONE AND ONLY BODY, AND PRACTICING WHAT YOU PREACH. Literally laughing out loud. What a dumb thing to say. I'm teaching my daughter to walk. Flame on me for inflicting bipedalism on my child.
Claudia says
You know what? You just gave me a GREAT Idea for my son's birthday next month!!! I am so doing this!
Carly says
Good for you! I love that you included your daughter in the decision (and that she chose not to feed her friends crap). My sons preschool still (thankfully) allows homemade (it's a co-op so parents must bring snacks once a month).. But they have a no refined sugar, preferably organic, no cake (just muffins) policy. It makes me feel slightly better about his snacks while he's there.