I usually never know what’s going to spark a lot of conversation on my Facebook page, and the fact that my recent “birthday cupcake dilemma” quickly spawned over 2,700 comments was honestly quite a surprise! I was truly at a loss though and since I always learn so much from our readers I often turn to you guys when I need advice.
This is what my Facebook post said:
“I am in a bit of a bind (which I totally recognize is a first world problem by the way), but I would love some advice. My daughter turns 8 next week and since all the kids in her class bring cupcakes (or cookies or donuts) for the whole class on their birthday she'd like to follow suit.
Here's the problem: The school no longer allows us to bring in homemade baked goods for the class! It has to be from a commercial kitchen and because her class is nut-free it also has to be from a certified nut-free kitchen (no cross contamination). Believe me I've tried and I cannot find any wholesome bakeries around here that are also nut-free. And I refuse to overnight cupcakes from NYC for a bunch of 2nd graders...not an option! The school's ‘approved’ cupcakes from their cafeteria are highly processed and full of chemicals and artificial ingredients. It's totally against everything I believe in to support products like that.
BUT it's important to my daughter to be able to celebrate like her friends have. Does anyone have a viable solution or should I just suck it up and serve her class something highly processed and artificial? Yikes!!!”
In summary, these were my constraints:
- My daughter specifically asked if she could share cupcakes with her class…and as her mommy I do like to do what I can to make my birthday girls happy! If it were up to me I would probably do something other than food to celebrate at school, but again cupcakes are what the other kids bring so that's what my birthday girl requested as well.
- There is a (new this year) no homemade food rule at her school. Everything that’s shared with the class must come from a commercial kitchen. (You can send homemade items for your individual child only).
- My daughter happens to be in the one nut-free classroom for the 2nd grade. This means several children in her class do in fact have an allergy to peanuts and/or tree nuts therefore no food can be brought in (on any day…in her personal lunchbox or otherwise) that has been made in a facility that also processes nuts. So purchasing cupcakes that don’t contain nuts from a local bakery is not enough. I would have to find a bakery that does not make a single product (ever) that contains nuts! Not an easy feat here in Charlotte, NC.
- The school cafeteria sells highly processed birthday cupcakes that are certified nut-free, but they are also full of chemicals, preservatives, and artificial ingredients. I’ve seen the boxed mix that they use (they are most definitely not made from scratch). I let my kids participate and eat these cupcakes (or cookies or donuts or whatever the parent decides to bring in) when it’s someone else’s birthday, BUT the truth is I don’t like how someone else is giving my kids junk food every.single.time it’s one of the 20+ kids' birthdays in their class. Isn’t that what birthday parties (outside of school) are for? And here’s the kicker…since I’ve somewhat dedicated my life (through this blog) to trying to influence others to cut out processed food it’s kind of a moral dilemma for me to purchase and feed total crap to my kid and the rest of her class. I normally go out of my way to feed anyone and everyone I know the most wholesome food possible - to show how good real food can be! - so it’s only natural for me to feel highly uncomfortable about violating an important personal belief of mine.
All the Advice
So what’s one to do? Ask my Facebook crew for some advice. And man were there some heated responses that frankly were all over the board. Yes, people feel emotional about food decisions - me included. Some readers suggested good non-cupcake alternatives (like fruit kabobs, all fruit popsicles or non-food items like goodie bags, pencils, and books), some suggested alternatives that unfortunately wouldn’t truly be nut-free (Whole Foods or Earth Fare bakery, Edible Arrangements, etc.), some suggested things that just aren’t realistic (like trying to make the cupcakes myself in the certified nut-free commercial cafeteria at the school), some of course suggested that I just "suck it up" and buy the highly processed stuff (unfortunately a child’s own birthday is not the one and only day throughout the year they eat junk food…it’s never really “just one day”), and some also suggested things that are honestly a little unethical (like put my own homemade cupcakes in a grocery store cupcake box). As I mentioned above several kids in her class do in fact have a nut allergy and my house is far from being completely nut-free, so for many reasons faking out the school with my own homemade cupcakes is really not an option. And as I also already mentioned my daughter was dead-set on cupcakes so the fruit and other non-food alternatives unfortunately weren’t going to do the trick. I am normally a big fan of non-food rewards and parties at the school.
Taking a Stand
My daughter is also a child though, and it’s my responsibility to raise her and teach her what I think are important lessons along the way. Funny enough one reader (on Spoonfed's Facebook page) said she didn’t understand why people were saying for me not to inflict my own beliefs on my kids. She said “Really? Isn't that EXACTLY what we as parents are supposed to do? Especially in this case where her ‘beliefs’ are in place to make her kids healthy.” Yes, I want to be flexible and fun and make special memories for my children (which by the way DO NOT have to involve highly processed food), but I couldn’t believe how many readers went out of their way to email me and come write on my FB wall that I should not give in because it’s important to teach my children to stand up for what they believe in. Freaking amen to that. I explained to my daughter the constraints and then I truthfully asked her if she wanted to feed her friends cupcakes that contained chemicals. She of course said “no” (that’s my girl). You see, real food is no new topic around here plus - for the most part - kids want to do the right thing. And just for the record, if more wholesome, homemade cupcakes were an option we would be all over it. This dilemma is not about never having treats – I don’t think that’s any way to live. This is about not knowingly buying and serving chemically-filled, artificially made crap to our children.
So I gave my soon to be 8-year-old a long list of ideas (thanks to the reader comments) and asked her what - if any - would be an alternative to cupcakes that she would be excited about. After some deliberation she decided on ice cream…yay! I think it is MUCH easier to find somewhat wholesome store-bought ice cream that is also nut free. Plus I learned it is okay to bring in a big container to scoop out right there at the lunch table and also share some nut-free toppings to make a sort of “ice cream bar” for the kids. We eat ice cream at home occasionally and although we make it ourselves (yum) I think store bought, all-natural, organic ice cream is a totally acceptable treat to share at a time like this! She got so excited about the idea of offering an ice cream bar that she seriously didn’t say another word about the cupcakes. As I said she is a child after all, and I am honestly just relieved that we figured out a way for everyone to be happy…me included. :)
The Details
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In addition to the nut allergies my daughter's class also has three children with dairy allergies! So this is what we ended up bringing to school for her birthday celebration today:
- Nut-free organic store-brand vanilla ice cream
- Nut-free AND dairy-free organic coconut milk ice cream (for the 3 kids who can't have dairy)
- Enjoy Life chocolate chips that are both certified nut-free and dairy-free
- Organic Florida strawberries
Some schools in our district have gone "treat-free" all together when it comes to celebrating birthdays, and I am only hoping that will happen in our school at some point. Trying to accommodate everyone's needs today (including my own) was no small feat!
Jaclyn says
Thank you for sharing. I think you handled this perfectly and I respect you for doing what feels best for you, your family and the other school children.
Alison says
Ice cream was a good choice. What does your child do when all the other 20 kids have cupcakes? Does she eat them? Our school, thankfully, has gone to non-treat items. We have donated new books and games to the class. Another idea is to come in with a craft they can make and then bring home.
Assistant to 100 Days (Jill) says
Hi Alison. I do not tell my kids that they cannot have them if they are offered them. I let them make their own choice. For their own birthdays, we bring in small goodie bags that they distribute to their classmates...they love this just as much and it's what they expect now for their birthdays. I wish our school would go treat free, but, it's been an uphill battle. Jill
Jenny says
What a timely post!! My daughter will be 8 in 3 weeks and we will be facing a similar situation! Fortunately at her school I can make a snack, but there is still "peer pressure " to bring in those unhealthy cupcakes covered with tons of bright icing! She has decided she doesn't like cupcakes anyway and we are making brightly colored tarts with coconut pastry cream and lots of fruit!
Dea says
That is awesome, way to go!
Alicia says
I think that is great! I'm sure the kids enjoyed it more than cupcakes. The only problem (and certainly not an issue for your daughter's birthday celebration) is the hassle ice cream can cause if the parent can't be there to scoop it up (and time is a factor). We literally spend just a few minutes celebrating birthdays in my classroom. One little girl brought in clementines this year, and the kids LOVED peeling them! We do store bought treats as well, but parents are pretty much required to send something in that's healthy. Our kitchen also offers fruit with yogurt dip, yogurt, and some other healthier snacks at a small price to the parents.
Sarah says
Reading what you did brought a tear to my eye! You are so thoughtful. The fact that you got a different ice cream for the students with a dairy allergy as well, is just amazing. My son has multiple food allergies and I wonder what school will be like for him on special days when treats are brought in. Right now he is 2 1/2 and knows what he is allergic to and does not seem to notice too much when we go to a party, but I am sure it will get a little harder when he gets older. I always make him his own cupcake when we go to parties so he does not feel left out. You thought of a great solution. I love your blog
Laura says
I am soo proud of you! I was really hoping that you would get your daughter involved, which I thought you would! You and your daughter have accomplished a lot through this! You did prove to her (and your readers) that you don't have to give in to persuasion and the ways of others!! She will learn ALOT from this. You never know what stand she will make as she grows older! This has made my day!! You are an awesome Mom! :)
Food Allergy Mama says
You are a rockstar for holding your ground and not compromising AND for making sure ALL kids in the class got a treat--- the dairy allergy kids too. For real, I know it is a pain in the booty to have to think about that when your kid does not have allergies but as mine has dairy, egg and all nut allergies I greatly appreciate that someone would even think about that for a child that is not there own. You are a rockstar Mom!
Krystal says
I love that you were able to compromise & find a good solution without sacrificing what is important to you.
Valerie says
You're awesome! That's all.
Sheri says
I am so happy to hear you found a good solution to your cupcake issue. I had such an issue with parents bringing treats to school without my knowledge last year that I worked closely with the school principal to change this policy. Now only non-perishable items are allowed for birthdays and I can breathe a sigh of relief that my children are eating only the healthy lunches and treats of my choice and not eating the food that I work so hard to keep out of their diets. Way to go! Stay strong and your children will follow.
Kristi p says
Proud of you! Proud of your daughter! happy birthday to her!! What an awesome gift you gave her with this entire process.
Rebecca says
This is a great solution - kind of a "why didn't I think of that before?!" head-smacker. It makes perfect sense even for people who aren't focused on real food. As much as I aim to provide healthy food for my family, I don't worry about the treats my kids have at school; even if there are a couple of birthdays each month, a cupcake is very small. When you think about the not-as-bad ingredients in them (like eggs and milk - not so bad outside of allergy issues) and how small they are, the amount of chemicals in one cupcake is really not that hideous. It's all relative. Kids enjoy celebrating their birthdays at school and only get to do so until around 5th grade, for me a cupcake isn't a big deal - it's important to have perspective. (Also, as an aside, my 4th grader's school still allows treats and homemade ones; on her recent birthday, she took homemade cupcakes. She said how much everyone loved them because I was the only mom so far who'd brought homemade cupcakes!)All the same, I appreciate how your solution made your daughter happy, made you happy, and didn't make her stand out in a negative way (i.e. "her mom won't let her eat fun stuff!" or whatever kids say). If anything, kids will be talking about how awesome her birthday was!
mary says
Congratulations to you for coming up with a good solution to such a challenging situation! But as a teacher, I wish that birthdays could just be celebrated at home. With all of the allergies, and different family styles of eating, these treats and parties just cause a lot of unnecessary stress for moms and children :( As a teacher, I wish I could stop "in school" birthday treats, but my hands are tied. I do admire the lesson that your daughter learned through this...
Assistant to 100 Days (Jill) says
Hi Mary. I couldn't agree more about celebrating them at home, but, as I have found out, most do not agree. I have tried, to no avail, to get the birthday treats out of our school, but, you'd be surprised at the push back we get from both parents and teachers. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Jill
Carrie says
That's perfect! And I bet your daughter was a star because she did something yummy AND different! Glad you were able to help her have a great day and follow your convictions.
Jessica says
Ok...first of all my daughter's name is Kiran. I never thought we would see that name anywhere else for a girl. I loved reading the issue and seeing the solution. I gave in back in November (early into our journey on "real food". Our school is not quite so strict, but I brought what my daughter asked for. Funny thing is she said they did not really taste that good. Funny the things we thought tasted great all this time, really don't taste good at all!
Jane says
Glad you found a solution. For the future, did you check farmer's markets around the Research Triangle? I have a family member with a home certified kitchen who sells baked goods at markets in your area that would meet the school's requirements and she makes a variety of items that would meet your healthier standards (I mean, frosting is never going to be good for you).
Lisa says
We are actually in Charlotte so quite a ways from the Research Triangle...thanks for the suggestion anyway though!
Amanda G says
Damn right! Lisa, you are my hero! Way to stick to you beliefs...you have taught your daughter such great lessons with this one situation. Compromise, standing up for your beliefs, and feeding children wholesome food.
Julie says
I know some parents are very adement about the tradition of bringing treats on a birthday, but I'm really all for moving away from food treats in general. Too many food choice and allergy issues, not to mention that kids need less "sweet treats" to make an occasion special.
What I really love is that you talked to your daughter about the issues that are important to you both; Celebrating her day, sharing it with all her friends (event he ones with allergies) and staying true to your food values. Way to go mom!!
Angie says
Perfect! I agree. We are the parents and it is our job to empower our kids with values and correct information. Of course these issues come up all the time and it is wonderful when our children make their own decision with some guidance. That is our job after all. I explained to my kids at the beginning of December why candy canes were not good for them. (the dyes --specifically red 40)I bought organic ones with no artificial coloring in them and told them they could trade ones they got at school for mine at home. I was so proud of them each time they told me they decided not to eat one. _Even at Grandma's house on Christmas day they turned one down. Knowledge is power and I hope to give my kids as much knowledge as I can so they are empowered to make great decisions on their own.
Candy says
Props to you, Lisa. I started reading through the comments on the FB post and got really angry. You and your daughter made a well-informed and diplomatic decision that showed great respect for everyone. Thank you for all you do!
Leash says
I'm glad you found a healthy fun alternative. Good for you to hold your ground. As for some of the negative comments on this page and Facebook it really makes me wonder why people Thames such offence to every little thing. In reference to the woman who rudly told you to "suck it up" and then got irritated that you politely pointed out that that wasn't an option for you morally, how would she feel if the school told her to "suck it up" about her child's food allergy? The school is tree nut and penut free but is it also free of dairy, soy or wheat? What about children who can't eat certain foods because of religious issues? What about religions that don't celebrate birthdays? Her child is to be accommodated because of health issues (albiet life threatening ) but yours are not? You as a parent are there to make healthy choices for your child no matter what your reasons for those choices may be (allergy related or otherwise). Also I feel that children with food allergy should be taught how to judge for themselves weather or not something is OK for them to eat otherwise how will they know when your not around? You were just trying to do your nest to make everyone happy and keep with your moral believes and I applaud you for that.
margot says
Sounds like a good outcome. I think kids can get excited about anything that's presented the right way - it's easy to distract kids from wanting cupcakes by presenting something else with equal excitement.
I, too, wish schools would get rid of any outside "treats" and celebrations centered around food. 20-30 extra days of eating cupcakes and birthday cake is a big deal in a year (in addition to the other crap average kids are eating). And it starts bad habits to teach kids that everything needs to be centered around eating unhealthy food.
I must say that I'm shocked by the extreme approach to nuts in your child's classroom. I have a nut allergy and my child does as well. We both carry Epi pens. Even though I'm in this situation, I'm constantly amazed by the hyper-sensitivity that parents have to this issue and the extent to which they expect everyone else to bend for them. My child has been taught to only eat the foods I give her to take to school. I don't need to limit what everyone else eats, and I don't need to turn the classroom into a paranoia zone that affects every other person.
Amy says
What a wonderful outcome! I am nervous for situations like this when my daughter gets older, but reading this makes me much more confident. A job well done on both solving the problem and parenting your daughter to make such good decisions!
Rebecca says
I'm so glad you found an alternative, it sounds like it was a hit! As a former teacher I would always tell parents that we did not do food birthday treats and that children should bring in non-food items or have a special adult come in to read to the class or to help out or have lunch. I'm sure parents grumbled at this but kids loved having their parent or grandparent come and read a favorite story (I taught first grade). We also had holiday "parties" that were healthy....we did a Valentine's breakfast with fruit salad and bagels and cream cheese, popcorn and 100% juice for Halloween with a movie, etc. I was fortunate to be at a school that actually enforced the federal government's nutrition policy. It helped that a lot of other teachers did the same. Keep on doing what you do!
Teanne Gragg says
That is a nice alternative! I honestly wish treats *were* banned. My son is constantly left out by parents who don't know or don't get that he is allergic to nuts, eggs, and dairy. When they send in spur of the moment treats I have no idea I need to plan for them. I have sent in extra treats for when those occasions come up but it just isn't the same. Glad to see you included a dairy free option!
Kim says
Ice cream sundae bar sounds waaayyy more fun than the same old cupcake that everyone else brings. I'm glad to hear you and your daughter found a solution together. And all the better that you did not have to compromise your family's values to do so. Kudos.
colleen says
In my daughters class there is one little boy who can not have sugar on any kind, he has just been moved out of the special day class into the mainstream class (he is high function autistic) I am the class mom and just found out about this while we were having the Christmas breakfast. There was plenty he could eat but was really sad that he could not have hot chocolate. Well I talked to my daughter about her upcoming birthday and we decided to bring fruit ka-bobs so that he would be included with any discussion.
Stacy @School-Bites.com says
Yay for you! Good going!!!!!!!!!
Karen Graziani says
I. LOVE. EVERYTHING. ABOUT. THIS. POST. Seriously, if we actually knew each other, we would totally be friends. :) Congratulations on coming up with a great, FUN, special treat for your daughter, while at the same time, teaching her a truly valuable lesson and not compromising on your (our) real food principals. The way you handled the conversation with her is exactly the way I'm raising my kids with regard to food (and her response sounds so much like my kids! They're close in age - I have 7 year-old triplets and a 9 year-old).
Anyway, thanks for posting your great solution -- well done!
Karen
PS: I actually want to follow up offline at some point about a project I'm working on (on my blog) that you may be interested in... will circle back.
Jennifer says
Great compromise idea. Our school does not allow treats brought in for birthdays, which I love. They also don't incentivize the kids with candy (the treasure boxes, or as prizes for things) other than an occasional pizza day. They have eliminated giving out candy and treats for every little thing which I think reinforces a positive message of healthy eating and not working to get "treats" vs. other incentives.
The ice cream bar has made me ready for some ice cream though!
Christine says
Just thought I'd give you an idea of what to do for the days when the other 20 kids bring in unhealthy birthday treats. My nephew has some food allergies and his mom freezes some cupcakes that he can have and sends one with him when they have a class birthday. That way he can still enjoy a cupcake like his classmates yet his are safe for him to eat. You could do the same thing for your girls to avoid having them eat artificial indgredients 20 times a year.
Teanne Gragg says
I do something similar for my son (who has food allergies) but most of the time I do not know in advance.
Denise says
If your child has a life-threatening food allergy it is considered a medical condition. You can request a 504 plan be made for your child. In this plan you could include procedures for handling reactions, what treats he can and can't have, and how to handle birthdays. Some parents keep a few cupcakes in the nurse's freezer and replenish them as needed.
Chloe Blankenhorn says
What a wonderful solution!
kimberly says
well done pat yourself on the back!!!
Lisa says
Nicely done! You handled the dilemma well. Thank you for sharing your experience. I fully intend to do this for my daughter's 9th bday.
Annette Standrod says
Good Job Mom! That is an awesome idea anyway. Rules or no rules. Allergies or not. Awesome idea! I would like to do that for my daughters next year!!! Thanks for sharing.
Modern Mia Gardening says
Man, now I'm wanting an ice cream bar for my kids' birthday parties. That looks yummy! So glad to know she had a good time (in spite of all the behind-the-scenes drama). Happy birthday to your sweet girl!
Way to go, Mama Marissa!
Modern Mia Gardening says
Man, now I'm wanting an ice cream bar for my kids' birthday parties. That looks yummy! So glad to know she had a good time (in spite of all the behind-the-scenes drama). Happy birthday to your sweet girl!
Ana says
So glad you found a solution! This post was stressing me out! :)
Missy says
Thank you for sharing your solution! I'm glad that you found a way to make everyone happy and that her special day was made even more special by her awesome mom :)