I usually never know what’s going to spark a lot of conversation on my Facebook page, and the fact that my recent “birthday cupcake dilemma” quickly spawned over 2,700 comments was honestly quite a surprise! I was truly at a loss though and since I always learn so much from our readers I often turn to you guys when I need advice.
This is what my Facebook post said:
“I am in a bit of a bind (which I totally recognize is a first world problem by the way), but I would love some advice. My daughter turns 8 next week and since all the kids in her class bring cupcakes (or cookies or donuts) for the whole class on their birthday she'd like to follow suit.
Here's the problem: The school no longer allows us to bring in homemade baked goods for the class! It has to be from a commercial kitchen and because her class is nut-free it also has to be from a certified nut-free kitchen (no cross contamination). Believe me I've tried and I cannot find any wholesome bakeries around here that are also nut-free. And I refuse to overnight cupcakes from NYC for a bunch of 2nd graders...not an option! The school's ‘approved’ cupcakes from their cafeteria are highly processed and full of chemicals and artificial ingredients. It's totally against everything I believe in to support products like that.
BUT it's important to my daughter to be able to celebrate like her friends have. Does anyone have a viable solution or should I just suck it up and serve her class something highly processed and artificial? Yikes!!!”
In summary, these were my constraints:
- My daughter specifically asked if she could share cupcakes with her class…and as her mommy I do like to do what I can to make my birthday girls happy! If it were up to me I would probably do something other than food to celebrate at school, but again cupcakes are what the other kids bring so that's what my birthday girl requested as well.
- There is a (new this year) no homemade food rule at her school. Everything that’s shared with the class must come from a commercial kitchen. (You can send homemade items for your individual child only).
- My daughter happens to be in the one nut-free classroom for the 2nd grade. This means several children in her class do in fact have an allergy to peanuts and/or tree nuts therefore no food can be brought in (on any day…in her personal lunchbox or otherwise) that has been made in a facility that also processes nuts. So purchasing cupcakes that don’t contain nuts from a local bakery is not enough. I would have to find a bakery that does not make a single product (ever) that contains nuts! Not an easy feat here in Charlotte, NC.
- The school cafeteria sells highly processed birthday cupcakes that are certified nut-free, but they are also full of chemicals, preservatives, and artificial ingredients. I’ve seen the boxed mix that they use (they are most definitely not made from scratch). I let my kids participate and eat these cupcakes (or cookies or donuts or whatever the parent decides to bring in) when it’s someone else’s birthday, BUT the truth is I don’t like how someone else is giving my kids junk food every.single.time it’s one of the 20+ kids' birthdays in their class. Isn’t that what birthday parties (outside of school) are for? And here’s the kicker…since I’ve somewhat dedicated my life (through this blog) to trying to influence others to cut out processed food it’s kind of a moral dilemma for me to purchase and feed total crap to my kid and the rest of her class. I normally go out of my way to feed anyone and everyone I know the most wholesome food possible - to show how good real food can be! - so it’s only natural for me to feel highly uncomfortable about violating an important personal belief of mine.
All the Advice
So what’s one to do? Ask my Facebook crew for some advice. And man were there some heated responses that frankly were all over the board. Yes, people feel emotional about food decisions - me included. Some readers suggested good non-cupcake alternatives (like fruit kabobs, all fruit popsicles or non-food items like goodie bags, pencils, and books), some suggested alternatives that unfortunately wouldn’t truly be nut-free (Whole Foods or Earth Fare bakery, Edible Arrangements, etc.), some suggested things that just aren’t realistic (like trying to make the cupcakes myself in the certified nut-free commercial cafeteria at the school), some of course suggested that I just "suck it up" and buy the highly processed stuff (unfortunately a child’s own birthday is not the one and only day throughout the year they eat junk food…it’s never really “just one day”), and some also suggested things that are honestly a little unethical (like put my own homemade cupcakes in a grocery store cupcake box). As I mentioned above several kids in her class do in fact have a nut allergy and my house is far from being completely nut-free, so for many reasons faking out the school with my own homemade cupcakes is really not an option. And as I also already mentioned my daughter was dead-set on cupcakes so the fruit and other non-food alternatives unfortunately weren’t going to do the trick. I am normally a big fan of non-food rewards and parties at the school.
Taking a Stand
My daughter is also a child though, and it’s my responsibility to raise her and teach her what I think are important lessons along the way. Funny enough one reader (on Spoonfed's Facebook page) said she didn’t understand why people were saying for me not to inflict my own beliefs on my kids. She said “Really? Isn't that EXACTLY what we as parents are supposed to do? Especially in this case where her ‘beliefs’ are in place to make her kids healthy.” Yes, I want to be flexible and fun and make special memories for my children (which by the way DO NOT have to involve highly processed food), but I couldn’t believe how many readers went out of their way to email me and come write on my FB wall that I should not give in because it’s important to teach my children to stand up for what they believe in. Freaking amen to that. I explained to my daughter the constraints and then I truthfully asked her if she wanted to feed her friends cupcakes that contained chemicals. She of course said “no” (that’s my girl). You see, real food is no new topic around here plus - for the most part - kids want to do the right thing. And just for the record, if more wholesome, homemade cupcakes were an option we would be all over it. This dilemma is not about never having treats – I don’t think that’s any way to live. This is about not knowingly buying and serving chemically-filled, artificially made crap to our children.
So I gave my soon to be 8-year-old a long list of ideas (thanks to the reader comments) and asked her what - if any - would be an alternative to cupcakes that she would be excited about. After some deliberation she decided on ice cream…yay! I think it is MUCH easier to find somewhat wholesome store-bought ice cream that is also nut free. Plus I learned it is okay to bring in a big container to scoop out right there at the lunch table and also share some nut-free toppings to make a sort of “ice cream bar” for the kids. We eat ice cream at home occasionally and although we make it ourselves (yum) I think store bought, all-natural, organic ice cream is a totally acceptable treat to share at a time like this! She got so excited about the idea of offering an ice cream bar that she seriously didn’t say another word about the cupcakes. As I said she is a child after all, and I am honestly just relieved that we figured out a way for everyone to be happy…me included. :)
The Details
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In addition to the nut allergies my daughter's class also has three children with dairy allergies! So this is what we ended up bringing to school for her birthday celebration today:
- Nut-free organic store-brand vanilla ice cream
- Nut-free AND dairy-free organic coconut milk ice cream (for the 3 kids who can't have dairy)
- Enjoy Life chocolate chips that are both certified nut-free and dairy-free
- Organic Florida strawberries
Some schools in our district have gone "treat-free" all together when it comes to celebrating birthdays, and I am only hoping that will happen in our school at some point. Trying to accommodate everyone's needs today (including my own) was no small feat!
anna says
Ice Cream Bar is much more fun and exciting to me! What a great solution!
Mary says
Nice job!
Is the increasing amount of food allergies scary to anyone else? I know I'm getting old, but there was nothing like this when I was in school, I never knew even one child with a nut allergy. I just wonder if it's being caused by the garbage we eat.
Casey says
I definitely think all of the allergies have to do with the garbage that is called food in our stores. GMOs, chemicals, etc. who knows what we've done to our bodies?
Critical Reader says
Yes, it is somewhat scary and my gut feeling is that there are multiple reasons for the increase in food allergies. The garbage we eat might be one source. But there is also the suggestion, that the lack of dirt is associated with allergies. Especially the US have a ridiculous paranoia towards germs: hand sanitizers, wet wipes, antibacterial soap, bleach everywhere, etc. - I have never been to any other country where people are so scared of germs.
In addition, don't forget that parenting style has changed dramatically over the last decades. Nowadays parents (including myself) are way to focused on their kids and kids are more expected to fit into a box. And if the slightest thing is "wrong" with the kids, the parents need to find an answer and a reason to blame. Food allergies, sensitivities to chemicals, vaccination etc. are to often welcome excuses if our kids do not turn out how we wanted them.
Heather J says
Congrats! I think including your daughter in all of the conversations along the way, being honest about the dilemma, and the fact that it was her choice in the end are all such positive life-lessons...with or without food.
maryann says
you rock I think that's awesoem thanks for sharing. I think our biggest obstacle in life are about making decision for our kids. And reaching out when we are feeling threatened or feeling weak only makes us a stronger parent. Not only did you teach you child there is always a choice you taught her about bending, being flexible, compromising. You also taught her that being yourself and being confident worked out in the end. What a great learning experience as a parent and a child. Kudos.
Jenn says
I missed all the drama of the original post but it looks like you and your daughter made the most of this situation. She will have learned several good lessons: how to switch gears and offer alternative solutions; how to work within the constraints of the system and still stick by her principles; and maybe even to be a trend-setter with an all new birthday treat. Good work mom! You instilled some great messages to your daughter, the teacher, other students, and school with your compromise.
Jessica Mayer says
That sounds like a great solution. The hoops we will jump through to make our birthday princesses happy, right? I only wonder, with so many children having allergies in your daughters class, and many other classes as well, do you feel it is your responsibility to accomodate every child's needs and not THAT child's parents? Sure it wasn't hard to substitute the coconut milk ice cream in this case, and I know you can't even bring a non "nut free" bakery item into the classroom, but... The real world is not going to accomodate the children with all the allergies, and I know they are only in second grade but it is something to think about.
Lisa says
Jessica since she is in the "nut-free" class we are actually required to accomodate that allergy. I just though while I am at it why not include the dairy allergy kids as well so no one is left out. :)
Bridgette Leyendecker says
Perfect solution! What you are doing for your family now will speak volumes to them when they are older and can truly appreciate the depth of it. Way to go!
Pam@behealthybehappywellness says
We have moved to the "no treats" policy and although it bums my kids out, it is much easier than trying to figure out how to bring something healthy. The school still makes them feel special by singing songs to them, wearing a crown, etc.
Kristin says
Great solution! Glad to see you stuck by your principles and your daughter was happy with the outcome. How frustrating that you can't bake anything, it is REALLY hard to find healthy baked goods. Thankfully my daughter's school requests only healthy treats for birthdays. Of course the schools suggestions for healthy food include things like go-gurt and goldfish crackers, but a little better then a bright red cupcake. Thankfully we can still bring in home baked nut free items. so my daughter will be bringing in some white whole wheat pear muffins for her birthday later this month. Though I agree, it would be nice to eliminate birthday treats and snack in general.
Rebekah says
So glad you got this worked out. I was wondering especially after seeing the FB post and all the drama there. I think it is funny that people get there panties in a wad over you wanting to parent your child and raise her healthy.
Ashley says
Wow! This is a great solution--and I'm sure the kids really appreciated this different treat!
Jennifer Glasgow says
This is a fabulous article. It's a good case study for all parents! We are the parents, and it's easy to forget that when we want to please our children. The beauty is that your daughter got to help make the decision, it fit in with your lifestyle, didn't compromise your morals and was probably a bigger deal and more fun than the cupcakes would have been. Disappointments happen for everyone, but teaching your children to problem solve and make changes in light of a disappointment will serve them far in life! Thanks so much for your blog. We are on a babystep journey to process free, and I am grateful for all your help!
Mandy says
Aw I am glad you talked to your daughter about it (I think I may have struggled in my own mind if in your position) and everything worked out!
Colleen B says
You know what I love MOST about this post...that you KNEW that your daughter was intelligent enough to make an informed decision and you didn't automatically think that her not having those cupcakes on that day would be depriving her of some childhood right. It bugs me so much when people act like not allowing your child(and in this case, it wasn't you not allowing, it was her deciding!) to eat some processed treat = deprivation. It shows what a warped sense of deprivation we have in this country. Because once they learn, once they feel healthy, once they "Get it", it isn't that hard to them to say no! And honestly, don't we all need a little more practice on looking a piece of chocolate cake in the face and saying "no thank you!"? Kuddos to you for showing your daughter how to do it. Kuddos to your kiddo for making a good choice. And bonus that her choice likely tasted a WHOLE lot better than the original option!! But I think real foodies know a secret, real food almost always tastes better then the fake stuff! And I agree, your school needs to change. This whole "no homemade" stuff is a step in the wrong direction. And the fact that they are now making money off that is just pure wrong. My brain always wants to follow the money chain in a decision to find out why it was made. That leads me to wonder if it was based on actual health of the students (ah...not likely if the substitute they brought in is all processed) or based on their bottom line. Sad.
Dr. Laura says
Good for you! I hope you don't mind if I copy this idea in April for my daughter's birthday. I understand this battle...and hope our school will go treat-free as well. But until then, we must try to stick to our morals while also helping our children feel as if they have an equally fun birthday at school. THANK YOU for showing how it can be done!
Christie @ Pathtothehalf says
Love love love your solution! Great job mama!
Leslie says
Our elementary school fazed out birthday treats...they started with the entering kindergarten class 5 years ago and continued thereafter. The kids don't even realize there was a change in policy. Instead, a "special person" can come on the child's birthday and read a book to the class. This has turned out to be much more special treat than any cupcake ever was!
Cady says
Our son is in a preschool classroom with a total of 24 kids. We have the same store-bought-only rule. My husband and I really don't love the idea of him having blue-tinted cupcakes and frosting with sprinkles basically twice per month, but we also feel it's important to let him do that if he wants to (and he does, at three years old - maybe when he's older he'll feel otherwise). For his birthday, I brought in a treat from Edible Arrangements. The kids were excited because it was something new, I think. And they all love fruit! But goodness, having to also be nut- and dairy-free really IS quite a tall order to fill. Kudos to you for sticking by your principles, AND for involving your daughter in the decision. Glad she had fun and got to celebrate and feel special, without pumping all the kiddos up with chemicals. Cheers to that!
I am also eager for treat-free schools. I believe it's 2014 where it becomes mandated but I'm not sure.
amy says
Horray for your little girl! This was a much better idea than cupcakes. For everyone complaining that its still a treat, well as far as treats go it's not that bad. Strawberries and a few chocochips as toppings? Not a big deal at all. Organic icecream usually has a smaller sugar content anyway. Good for your girl. I just might do this next year for my sons 6th birthday I know all the kids in his class would love the change up from cupcakes!
jessica says
I hate birthday treats. I have the kids with food allergies. my 1st grader is the nut allergy and has texture issues and wont eat any of the cupcake or cookies that are brought in. my poor little 4 yr old has the milk allergy and nut allergy and everything has these things in it. i have to bring in her own treats for her all the time. and its not hard. But just time consuming and annoying.
Kamela says
Great idea/solution and unique in the sea of "me too" store bought crap. We should all take a little more time to think about solutions to everyday choices for our families and I applaud you for not backing down. It's not very easy some days! Thanks for such a great example!
Dawn says
I think it is essential to teach children our values about family, the way we treat people, God, and so many other things. Why food would be any different, I can't imagine. Perhaps that is why our children are taking on the values of television shows. Such a shame. If you value junk food, then teach your kids to value it, but don't just let them go along with no values at all!
I absolutely love that you found a way to make it work for everyone involved, and without making a fuss and having your daughter feel "different". And thanks for not rising to the insults and such, simply moving forward and taking us along on the journey. So very impressed, I guess that is why I enjoy this blog! Thanks for all you do!
Kim says
Applause applause!!!! Your solution was great and fun. I especially like that your solution included the children who had dairy allergies. These kids might have been left out if you went with cupcakes. I appreciate the fact that you teach your children and give them choices to learn and solve problems. This part of the process you went through is just as important as staying true to your priorities on food! A belated Happy Birthday and best wishes for the new year.
Christy says
Awesome idea!
Rysa says
Love your solution!!! I know what you mean about it being a challenge with food allergies. We are only eating real foods and I have a child with dairy, egg, and treen nut allergies. Eating anywhere other than home is so stressful and quite a feat! I homeschool, so I haven't had to deal with the school food issues, thank goodness. I applaud you for standing your ground and finding a solution!!!
Amanda says
Yay!!! I'm so happy you both found something you could agree on and you didn't have to resort to chemically laden...artificial junk. WTG Mama!!!! We did an ice-cream bar last year, but I didn't even think to mention it to you.
Cyndi says
What a wonderful solution! I love it! I know next year we will be in the same position, I am so happy you shared this. GREAT IDEA!
Marilyn says
Good for you! I am so happy you stuck by your beliefs, because that really is what this whole thing was about and you got to instill a seed of strength in your daughter. Keep watering it! It will grow!!!
Julie says
Thank you for all this information. My son's school sounds very much like your daughter's school in terms of the "approved snack" list. Even fresh fruit and vegetables, although encouraged, must be cleaned, prepared, and packaged by the grocery store. Fortunately for us, there's no birthday cupcake tradition, but it's still difficult to choose snacks or treats that are acceptable to both our family and the school and still affordable for us.
Critical Reader says
The artificial ingredient dilemma was nicely solved. However, ice-cream (organic or not) is still a treat and junk food and it bothers me that kids are fed treats everywhere. There were a few posts mentioning that at their schools it is not allowed to bring food for birthday parties - what a nice idea.
brista says
I think your post is overly critical. Did you read the whole post? She clearly explained in her post that she also thinks kids are fed treats too often and wishes her school was treat-free. She also said she'd rather send non-food rewards but it was her daughter's wish to have a special treat. And I think it would be very hard as an 8 year old to accept that even though it's your birthday and even though everyone else gets to bring a treat, you have to bring stickers.
Yes, she could have been the mom who says NO WAY NO HOW! but instead came up with an excellent compromise that was both healthier than the processed cupcake alternative (although yes, still a treat and not an every-day food) while still making the birthday girl happy. You have to pick your battles.
Lisa, I think you came up with a great idea. An ice cream sundae bar is unique and since it probably hasn't been done before in your daughter's class, the kids will probably be talking about it for days to come!
Critical Reader says
You misunderstood my post. I have read the original article and commented that the artificial ingredient dilemma was solved. My post was more meant for all the comments raving about the "healthy" alternative.
Stacy says
This actually made a lump in my throat and I teared up!!! I am SO proud of your daughter and you for not giving in and showing everyone, the kids, the staff, the other parents -- that there IS an alternative!!!! And kids want healthy food! It's not all wheat grass and tofu! So proud of you all. Well done.
Mallory says
I'm so glad you posted this!! My littles one are still a few years from school, but our public school system has required store bought food since I can remember and I kept wondering what I would do when the time came. I am keeping this in mind when those notorious classroom birthday parties start being a part of our lives! Love the alternative you came up with :)
Denise says
I bet all the kids will be wanting their moms to bring in ice cream. I think its great how you stuck to your beliefs. What a great way to teach your daughter that sometimes you have to take a stand. My daughter is two and a half. She is allergic to nuts and dairy. The fact that you thought of the food allergy kiddos is amazing. You have no idea how much it means to them. My daughter already is starting to feel left out at parties even though we bring allergy friendly cupcakes with us. This Christmas one of her aunts actually made cupcakes she can have. She talked about it for days. She was so excited that she got the same treat as her cousins. I can't imagine how excited those kids in your daughter's class must of been.
jessica says
@denise: my mom makes my daughter who has been allergic to milk and nuts since she was 1, cupcakes for her and we always have them on hand. It does get easier with time. We always have things with us that she can have with us. most of my friends always ask what they can have on hand for her.
Maureen | Orgasmic Chef says
I was of two minds before I read the conversation with your daughter about chemical free and the suggestion of a sundae bar. What a clever idea and much better than cake in my opinion. :)
Amy says
PS the school has a real racket going there! What a money-maker that must be.
Amy says
Yay for you! "Suck it up," my patootie! I'm tired of the bad food snowball. It's so much easier to just give in sometimes, but people don't realise how often nasty food is offered. A liitle here, a little there adds up FAST! In all shelves at Walmart and Safeway, there is ONE kind of candy that is all-natural. There isn't a single cupcake or cookie there that isn't just full of nastiness. Around this small Midwestern town, that's it for grocery stores. So guess what everyone buys? The kids are deluged with junk and my head is spinning trying to have alternatives and politely saying "no thank you." Food dyes turn my kids into lunatics; this isn't me just being a health food nut.
Michelle says
I LOVE how you incorporated your daughter in the decision making and you both thought of an alternative and it made her happy too of the "different" choice. Glad everything turned out and it was a success!!! Thank you for all you do and I hope to keep strong in following in your footsteps! God Bless!
Natasha says
I am SO SO impressed with you right now. I JUST came from a screening of Genetic Roulette, and it wasn't as if I didn't already know how gross GMO food is - but this shocked me to my core. Correlating ingestion of some GMO foods with affecting your digestive system on a cellular level so that it actually PRODUCES chemicals that inhibit the nutritional value you get from food. In essence, your digestive villi becomes a factory that reproduces these toxins over and over, and never, ever stops. Also, all kinds of drastic studies on humans and animals over decades, showing a crazy dramatic reduction in allergies, autoimmune disorders, and autism - the list goes on. These are things I knew on a certain level - but this documentary drove it all home in a powerful way. I have an autoimmune disorder myself - and after 2 years on a more organic diet my symptoms have reduced dramatically. But after seeing this documentary - we are no longer making exceptions to GMO in our diet or our home. There is just too much at stake - and our country has been used as a LAB for decades by chemical companies making an astounding profit by co-opting our entire food supply and sneaking toxins into our diet, with disease rising in direct response to those introductions of processed food - and particularly GMO food. So yeah - it DOES matter when you make an exception. Do you want to ruin your life obsessing about it? Maybe not. But I would far rather be a little obsessive than to give one more cent of my money, or one more of my cells to Monsanto. You did the right thing.
Jessie says
I love this idea! I'm so sick of all the highly processed treats my son gets ALL THE TIME at school! Whether it's someone's birthday, a holiday or the teacher being nice, my son is constantly getting treats! I love how you can bring an assortment of toppings , that can be healthy and fun, and it won't turn your childs poop bright blue! :)
Natalie says
Wow!! You are such an amazing mom!! I think that was a perfect alternative (and a lot more fun!) to the cupcake dilemma. I admire the fact that you didn't back down from your beliefs and that your daughter was willing to make the compromise. Maybe more parents in her class will follow in your footsteps and bring in healthier alternative treats besides cupcakes. I love your blog and I wish you and your family the best. And I hope your daughter had an amazing birthday!! :)