Can we please all agree to make this post a non-judgmental space today? Just like most other parents I am simply trying to do the best I can, and just like most parents—I do not claim to have all the answers. And as a result of some recent non-judgmental and constructive feedback from blog readers, I've been doing some thinking...and my thoughts are this: I never want my daughters to have to worry about food (or anything for that matter).
People sometimes imply that allowing your children to have free rein on junk food means "letting your kid be a kid," but in reality I think they are confusing "eating junk food" with the happy-go-lucky, carefree feeling we often see in children. And in my opinion there are many ways to achieve that bliss, which I can assure you, is not only from junk food.
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But I am the first to admit it's not easy to constantly find that fine line between standing up for what you believe in (nourishing my children with the healthiest foods on the planet!) and also not being too uptight. Whether we like it or not, there is a social aspect to junk food. I tell my husband all the time "we've been there done that" ...therefore I don't care if I never again chow down on a Little Debbie Snack, a box of Nerds, or a Push Up (really, I don't). But my children have not had the same experiences as me and no matter how much they "understand" why those foods are unhealthy who can blame them for wanting to see what they are all about? They are literally surrounded by this stuff on a regular basis - just look at school lunch rooms, TV commercials, and even check-out lines at the store.
The Feedback I Couldn't Ignore
Aside from our 100-day pledge (which ended in 2010) we have never been fully restrictive on what our girls can and can't eat. We certainly eat almost all "real food" at home, but now that our pledge is over our children indulge in processed "treats" at birthday parties, school celebrations, friend's houses, etc. I certainly wish they weren't offered junk food at so many events, but this is reality and I try not to stress about it (although I have become more involved at their school in hopes of continuing to see positive changes there). We also usually offer our girls a "once a week treat," which is pretty much the only time we eat any big sweets (other than a super dark chocolate square), but more often than not they have junk food elsewhere so others were almost always beating me to the punch when it came treat time. This means our treats together as a family didn't happen very often—or if they did my daughters would have to decide to forgo a treat that was being offered to them by someone else. Watching them make these decisions is what started bothering me deep down.
Then it just so happens that last weekend we had the chance to buy our kids their weekly treat, and by request we headed out for donuts (which I shared with this picture on Facebook). It was on that post where an interesting discussion started.
Although I can't always sit down and read every single comment personally anymore—I do read a lot of them and value what our readers have to say. And I certainly did not overlook the comment from Erin that said, "Actually, excessive discussion of 'good' food and 'bad' food can play a large role on eating disorders." Nor did I overlook the New York Times article that Marie shared that is entitled, "What’s Eating Our Kids? Fears About ‘Bad’ Foods." Then (as if I didn't already have my knickers in a twist enough) a kind reader emailed me personally and said:
"When I see your daughter questioning her food, I am encouraged by her awareness, but also concerned. I did the same thing, and my mom—who was also hyper-aware of food (and for good reason!)—encouraged this in me. I eventually become afraid of the food and restricted anything that wasn't 'healthy' —until nothing was (at the same time I over-exercised, because exercise was healthy too). It all made sense—until it didn't. I just encourage you, from the bottom of my heart, to be careful and aware and honest—but also leave some space for 'food to be food'—that's become my mantra." - 100 Days of Real Food Reader
Our Outlook Going Forward
I can truthfully tell you I have never even dabbled in eating disorders, although I (unfortunately) know many friends who have. Therefore I am no stranger to the subject and it's of course not something I would ever want my daughters to struggle with. So literally right then and there I had a discussion with my husband and we agreed to make a slight change. As soon as my daughters came home from school I told my 2nd grader, "We've decided that you can eat the foods you are offered (within reason) when you are not at home, and they will not count as your 'once a week treat.' The weekly treats we will buy or make together as a family will happen no matter what. Mommy feeds you so much good, real food at home and that's where you eat most of the time. You are such a healthy girl who is an excellent eater and also gets plenty of exercise so eating junk food at school or with friends once or twice a week could never erase that. Now eating cupcakes everyday (or twice a day) would not be a good thing, but a couple times a week is nothing for anyone to worry about." And you know what, in the grand scheme of things—even though my daughters have their moments of course—they both really are super good eaters. They eat a wide variety of whole foods including lots of vegetables and are also fairly willing to try new things. So I wasn't just talking the talk with her—even with highly processed junk food often feeling like my personal nemesis, I truly believe that eating it on occasion will not erase all that goodness.
And interestingly enough, even though my daughters have honestly never verbalized a complaint about our frequency of treats before, my 8-year-old seemed to really understand what I was telling her and even acted a little happy about this change. My kindergartner is still oblivious to quite a lot and frankly doesn't even know what day it is half the time, so I spared her this "talk" because I didn't think she'd even notice the difference at her age. But I do think what will go even further than this change is for me to (continue to) not act like the occasional junk food they eat is the end of the world (i.e. no guilt trip) while still educating them in a casual, non-threatening manner. I have also always been super careful about never criticizing my body in front of them, and I think that is another very important part of raising daughters with a healthy image as well. Now this parenting gig is something I am figuring out as I go (just like everyone else!) so we may continue to make adjustments as we move forward...but I can say that I do feel good about our renewed direction.
So today my 8-year-old came home from school and announced, "I had 3 oreos at lunch since it was a friend's birthday." Then she told me, "I read the ingredients, too." And I said with a surprise, "Oh really, what did it say?" then with a laugh she said "I don't remember." Sounds like we are on the right track with having a carefree, worry-free kid who is slightly more aware than the others. :)
Denise says
I don't understand how in the world labeling food as "good/bad" is going to somehow contribute to an eating disorder. There are good foods that we should base our diet on and foods that are bad for us that should be considered occasional treats. Calling them good/bad and enjoying them accordingly is not any different than labeling them always/sometimes. The problem is not in what we call food, it is what they see us do with food that will be passed down to our children. Someone can call food all the "right" labels but if they are constantly dieting and unsatisfied with their weight/appearance the kids will pick up on it. We can't let our identity be defined by our looks. Along that same line, I think obsessively telling our children how beautiful they are can backfire. We are essentially telling them they are worth something because they are beautiful. What happens when there is a car accident that scars their face or cancer that leaves them without hair. Tell your kids they are beautiful, but don't stop there. They are SO much more than their outward appearance. We need to be students of our children, finding and pointing out areas that they are gifted in, complementing character and helping them understand the unique individual that they are. Eating disorders have nothing to do with what words we use to describe food, and everything to do with the fact that we as a culture define worth by body image.
Dana Mauro says
Lisa....I hope this doesn't sound condescending , but I am proud of you. You are so honest and are showing everyone that this is a JOURNEY, one that you are still on as well. I applaud you for reconsidering how you do things and making changes based on the needs of your family. And that you are sharing it all along the way. I am so impressed by you....keep it up!!!! :)
Johanna says
You are the mom, and in my opinion, you know what's best for your child. Thanks for being transparent about this issue, as many people will hide the fact that their kid has an Oreo now and then (and we all do, don't we?) I was raised with very healthy food and a mostly vegetarian diet. I have a very clear memory as a child of being at a birthday party at a skating rink. Without parental supervision, I ate a little debbie, a chocolate malt, and a pepsi for lunch. Someone took a picture of me with it all in front of me. I was so, so happy that day. I keep that picture to remind me that it's just food and we occasionally have to let our kids be kids. Even if we have to look away. ;) Keep doing what you're doing - I love your posts.
Louise says
Great post. Thankyou for your honest words :-)
Stacey says
Bravo for this post! Thank you for your honesty on this issue. We feel the same way about "eating healthy" as a family. It can be difficult to keep everything in perspective. Plus, I believe if we make good food choices most of the time, then our bodies are better able to handle our occasional indulgences.
April says
My family and I have been eating organic and "real" food for almost 3 months now. When I asked my oldest (she's 8) what she wanted for her birthday dinner she asked for hotdogs(not processed) and breaded zucchini. This is the same kid who wouldn't eat anything green before we began. Yes there are foods out there that will tempt our kids but if it's not made into such a big deal by the parents, the kids wont see it that way too. I think when it comes to kids it's important that the parent live the life style: eat to live don't live to eat. My kids are happier now. And being happy and healthy means they are free to be carefree without the need or want for sugar.
Bee says
What I have learned raising a large family over that past 24 yrs is to not ban all treats at home. When fully banned at home, the overindulge when older and elsewhere, having that feeling of not knowing when they can indulge again. They learn mideration from us. Also, right from a young age, our tone & how we say things send loud messages. Saying we have to finish vegetables as if they are something not desired or a job sends a loud message. I watch how we say things and speak about healthy food like it is a treat we desire. I crack up when our 7 yr old asks if he is really, really good, can we get broccoli and apples. OK, but only if you're really, reallty good :) When I now see our older kids as young adults choosing fruit or vegetables over cookies just because they rather, that's when I know it has worked and keep it up with the younger kids.
Tam says
What a great blog! My kids are all young adults now but I enjoy seeing the great job you are doing with your family. My only advice...you are the only and best person to parent your children. People should not judge you for wanting to be a good parent. Keep up the good work and I love reading and seeing your pictures!
Elle says
I admire your honesty and willingness to put yourself out there, even though there will always be those who feel free to criticize your personal choices for your family. I disagree with the notion that childhood memories have to be built around junk foods. I don't remember what we ate every time when we went camping (I can't even remember if there were smores involved), but I do remember the campgrounds we stayed at, when we got caught in a ridiculously cold night and what we did when we were there. I think its a fabulous decision to let your girls choose, very moderately, for themselves, but still educating them thoroughly and guiding them along the way.
Karey says
I'm glad you've found a happy medium for yourself and your family. I feel bad that you had some comments come in last week that concerned you in a way that made you worry. I'm a person that believes every family has the right to make their own decisions and that there shouldn't be judgement because you know your family best - outside of abusive or emotionally damaging abuse of course. I can tell you I dabbled in bulemia as a teenager and my mom never made food an issue - it was about me and how I felt about my body and how my peers were reacting to my physical form. Keep doing what is right in making sure that your children have balance and good food. It is such a blessing that we have food in our stomachs to begin with :).
Kristin says
I applaud your honesty and willingness to share all these conversations. I think you are on the right track :-)
michele says
Lisa, you did the right thing and I truly believe in the long run, this change you made will make a positive difference in how your daughters view food.
We go by the 85/15 rule. 85% of the time we eat really healthy(which is pretty much whenever we are in our home and what I send to school), 15% we can eat whatever we want (if we eat out or are at friends or whatever).
This was a fantastic post! Thanks for your continued inspiration.
Mary Stuart says
This is a great article and I appreciate your dilemma. We live in a very strange world and I, too, am simply doing the best I can in trying to educate my son without causing him stress. There is an actual coined termed, orthorexia, that is applied to folks (like me sometimes) who go overboard with the "everything MUST be healthy." It's a very strange culture that we seemingly have to get used to eating foods that don't nourish us. Thanks for your blog!
Kim says
Fantastic post! Great points for my husband and me to keep in mind as we educate our own kiddos on healthy but also carefree living!!!
Courtney @ FamilyGoneHealthy says
You are a great mom! I have two daughters, ages 3 years and 6 months, and I always worry about this same issue. I just wish that processed food wasn't the norm, it would be so much easier.
Amy Hayward says
I love this post! I try to do what is right for my children and it's great to know I'm not alone. My oldest, 14 1/2 years old, is beginning to make fun of organic food because obviously she doesn't have any diseases or illnesses. I'm just hoping that the values we have instilled will surface again after the rebellious teens pass. :) I feel so encouraged now.
Erica says
I think this change will be a positive one.
Fionn says
I too have the same issues and it is not only girls with awareness of image, food, body. This is a great way to parent, as you learn more you can be a smarter parent. I too try not to obsess about all the processed food. I don't have the support of my spouse so I have to hide the unhealthy food and try to explain why mommy feeds whole foods, why we don't buy school lunches, and why if we want a treat I bake it at home where I can control the ingredients. I am raising a very food aware young man who loves all things food and does not understand why you would not eat veggies or fruit. Thank you for showing how we parents are constantly changing our strategies.
Janne says
First, THANK YOU for your post!! Obsession, especially about food and weight, is something that many women struggle with. If it's not overeating or eating processed junk, it's counting calories and eating "healthy" food (that isn't really). Everyone has an opinion, whether it's militant dieters or militant "health" people (I had a friend who was Paleo and was insistent that every time I had a piece of bread I was ruining my health). I have switched to real foods (have been doing it pretty religiously for about 3-4 months) and my husband has started to change his views as well (he refuses to buy store-bought bread because he says it tastes bad compared to my homemade, whole wheat bread!). It's a process, and I'm so glad I started following your blog, and others, to help me along the way.
As someone who has struggled with weight and body issues for over 10 years, I appreciate your candidness. And I appreciate your fresh approach to balance. I'm sure your daughters will learn the essentials (they pick up more than we give them credit for!), and watching your smart decisions will help them make wise decisions on their own.
(By the way, your whole wheat banana bread is my husband's absolute favorite!!!).
Mandy W says
I loved this article. Thank you for your honesty. I have struggled with over-eating my whole life. This was modeled for me by many of the females in my family, particularly my mom. I have two daughters who are 3 and 1. I told my husband while I was still pregnant with our first daughter that I would have a complex about our daughter's eating habits. I have struggled with wanting to teach them healthy eating habits versus creating anxiety over food. I had always tried to limit sweets, etc, but I have only started to learn how to eat clean, whole foods in the last six months or so. Thankfully, our daughters are great eaters. They haven't had many situations where they have had to feel "deprived." My biggest struggle is how to handle all of the outside treats. Even at 3 years old, this happens so often! So this post was perfect for me! Thanks for all you do!
Jackie says
You are such an inspiration! We are making changes in baby steps towards a real food lifestyle and your blog is where it all started. This post is the reason we follow your blog and believe in your cause. You live in the real world and see through all the garbage the food industry has brainwashed us with (ex/ you are depriving your child a happy life if they don't eat brightly colored cereal for breakfast). I appreciate your honesty and advice!!! Understand that despite criticism you are doing the right thing!!!!!!!! It is good to adapt to new situations and roll with the punches but stay on course! You are doing the best thing for your children!
Alissa says
I watched a mother who constantly dieted and asked me if she looked fat. And not suprisingly, I became obsessed with what I did and didn't eat which led into a full eating disorder in college, and to this day, more thoughts that should be during the day are dedicated to food. I struggle with teaching my daughter to be a different way but worry that the bigger deal I make about eating healthy food, the bigger deal she will make, and the cycle will continue. Its such a struggle to find a balance with letting them make their own food choices and not criticizing when they make the choice to eat a frosting-covered cupcake over an apple. What child would not make that same choice??
Jennifer says
I also appreciate the thoughtfulness of this post and that you take constructive feedback to heart. I "casually" struggled with eating disorders in college and have found that by eating what I want when I'm truly hungry, I end up making better choices as a whole and never worry about my weight. Now that I have kids, my approach is to make a single dinner (no short-order cooking) made up of healthy choices and to offer a "treat" very sporadically. When I do offer a treat, I do not make a big deal out of it because I don't want my kids to think that "treat" food is any more special than our regular food. Given that food is part of your livelihood, I think the change you're making will be a good way to diffuse some of the negative energy while keeping with your core beliefs.
Emily says
I love your blog and I love your open, honest, practical posts. I think you are absolutely on the right track with your girls. Giving them knowledge and the room to make their own good choices will help them to feel empowered and will likely lead to a positive relationship with food for a lifetime.
Rebekah says
Hi Lisa!
I think how you talked about it to your older daughter was perfect. I think it's optimal to have the strictest rules apply inside the home and more relaxed rules elsewhere. This ensures mainly good food habits, but allows for social flexibility. What you outlined are basically the same rules I have for my four-year-old as well. While we're home, treats are limited, but still available at certain times. While away from home, if a friend offers us a treat, we accept and say thank-you. Sometimes I'll ask her to wait until after dinner or something, but in general, we say yes. I don't have any food allergies/intolerances to contend with, so this is much easier for me to navigate than for some.
While I do think it would be harmful to a child to instill fear and paranoia about their food choices or berate them for what or how much they eat, I really think the issue is intent and how you talk a child about food. Encouraging healthful food choices is not abusive. Having rules about when "treats" are okay is not abusive. Balance should always be the goal!
I think what is so very unfortunate is that most of the food that is offered to children is pure junk. It's truly sad. Yes, it won't kill them to eat it occasionally, but I can't believe how many times a week my daughter is offered candy or another sugary treat. It can be discouraging.
Anyway, I think how you addressed the issue with your daughter was great and I love your blog!
Ruby says
This brought tears of pride to my eyes! Please don't ever stop doing what you do.
Sara says
Good for you! I absolutely agree with your honesty and openness here. I think as a blogger we (you especially, being so well-known) can feel under the microscope and it pushes us to be better... but also a bit further into the world of obsessive. I love that you are taking a step back and adjusting to a more relaxed view that will still keep your family eating healthy, but not obsessed. Thanks for keeping it real. :)
Sam says
Great post!
A couple things; first, don't be discouraged by those whom judge you. People need to realize that we judge simply by the choices we make every day and there really is no need to verbalize them. We have a right in this country to raise our children in the ways we feel are right. We aren't going to agree with everyone. There is so much good to glean from your site-- I don't agree with everything but would never judge you for it. It's your family-- your decisions.
That said, my second point is that as long as you're not making the food issue about weight or appearance, it's likely you won't raise kids with eating disorders. I agree that there is a balance (and again, everyone's is different) but engaging your children in thinking about what they put into their bodies can't possibly be bad if it's done out of love and concern for their health and well being.
Michelle says
Thank you for sharing this post - this is something that's been on my mind lately too as we enter our birthday party season (from now until mid-August, it seems there is at least a party every weekend). I have an almost 5yo daughter and I want to raise her to make healthy choices about what she eats and how she lives, but I think the key word there is choices. Really, I like to think we're all trying to do that and we just have different ideas on how that looks. But if we are always making the choices for them, how is that teaching them to make a good choice? So I've been trying to loosen up as well :) Just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate your ideas and insights - even when I don't always agree with you, it's been really good to think about the topics you bring up.
Sherm says
I appreciate this post. We are all doing the best we can and learning as we go. One of the reasons I stopped "liking" the blog on Facebook was the constant teacher/school bashing that was happening in the comments. Coming from a family of educators, I can assure you that for every complaint about "unhealthful" food, there are just as many parents complaining about schools overstepping in trying to encourage healthful eating. It is a no win situation, and frankly, schools have a long list of things to worry about that come ahead of birthday treats. If a new, non judgemental approach is coming, perhaps I will rethink that "unlike"...
Debbie says
Beautiful post. As parents we just try to be the best and do our best. I think you are doing an amazing job.
Teach, educate, guide...all wonderful things. No parent is perfect.
Thank you for such an amazing blog. You have empowered me as a mom to make some HUGE changes to our eating. I too have a very young daughter and worry about what she was consuming.
Since finding your site, we have not bought one box of cereal. All home made and 100% real.
Baby steps, but moving in the right direction. Thank you.
Robin McAfee says
If I only I had been educated back when I was younger(70s, 80s) about these types of choices; however, back then there wasnt the "healthy" choices/environment like there is today. Only exercise became popular...who doesnt rememeber Olivia Newton-John's Let's Get Physical!" lol
I think that what you are doing is awesome! You are making them aware of both avenues at an early age, so that when they do become adults and can make their own lifestyle choices, they have exactly that - a choice. They will be educated (well) about good foods and bad foods.
I enjoy your site so very much...so much that I wish I had children of my own to fix these cool lunches that you send off with them.
When I was in elementary school I use to help out with the hot lunch packs(yes as an elementary student). I think about those lunches compared to what you prepare today, and Im quickly reminded of how blessed we are with better knowledge and better foods. My mom use to pack my lunch all the time with cool things, but that was a different time period and this is now.
I cannot speak for others, but I can for myself...so THANK YOU for sharing daily and inspiring at least me!
Robin McAfee~
Emily says
I love this post! I have struggled with this myself. I became aware of the food we were eating after I had my daughter and her dad often tells me I read to much about it but the truth is, there was so much we didn't know and now that we do we can't ignore it. but, I don't want my daughter to have a complex about food. I have been a bit overweight all my life. my parents controlled what we ate pretty strictly and as soon as I got my own money, I spent it on junk food. I don't want to create the same situation with my daughter. I don't want her to constantly be thinking about food. There is enough for her to worry about. Thank you!
Nicole Patteson says
Excellent post! All concerns Moms have about installing the right view of our daughters! The fact that you wrote this post and deal with this struggle is proof you're a a great Mom!
Sarah says
Thank you for this! After learning that the snacks my 1st grader was having DAILY at school were 99% of the time gummies, pre-packaged cakes/cookies, etc., we had a chat about him taking his own snack every day. I told him he could make the choice each day if he ate the provided snack or his own. I have worried if that was the right way to approach it, but I'm happy to say he usually eats what he brings from home! I mean really, does a class of 6 and 7 year olds need a "fruit" roll-up at 2:30 to sustain them until 3:20? I'm so glad snacks are no longer part of the day in 2nd grade! Thanks for all you do and for keeping it real! :)
maureen says
you are awesome!
Ashley C. says
Good job. Time and time again I am reminded of "balance". Its impossible to control every aspect of our children's lives. You've done a good job teaching your children healthy habits and eventually we have to let them make some choices on their own! So I tell myself to smile (helps me to stay calm) and then ask them about how they handled their choices and decisions!
Elizabeth says
Lisa,
I love this article and even went back to skim through some of the mentioned comments on the picture you posted. I do not feed my son nearly as much nonprocessed food as you do, but I still get complimented at the amount of fruits and vegetables he will eat. I do not worry about giving him sugar or even calling it "treats". Even the best diets and life style plans usually call for a "cheat" day. I concentrate on teaching my son that food is fuel for his body, just like gas in a car. The best thing any parent can do is to give their children all the tools they need to make their decisions, and know that sometimes they will make good ones and sometimes they won't.
Leslie says
Thank you so much for this post! I tend to get anxious when we don't eat perfectly. It's nice to hear it from someone other than my husband that junk food every once in awhile is not the end of the world since we eat real food the rest of the time.
Leah says
Your post brought tears to my eyes. We all do the best we can for our children and it is hard sometimes to know what is right. Your compromise sounds perfect. You are a great Mom and a couple Oreos is not the end of world.