Can we please all agree to make this post a non-judgmental space today? Just like most other parents I am simply trying to do the best I can, and just like most parents—I do not claim to have all the answers. And as a result of some recent non-judgmental and constructive feedback from blog readers, I've been doing some thinking...and my thoughts are this: I never want my daughters to have to worry about food (or anything for that matter).
People sometimes imply that allowing your children to have free rein on junk food means "letting your kid be a kid," but in reality I think they are confusing "eating junk food" with the happy-go-lucky, carefree feeling we often see in children. And in my opinion there are many ways to achieve that bliss, which I can assure you, is not only from junk food.
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But I am the first to admit it's not easy to constantly find that fine line between standing up for what you believe in (nourishing my children with the healthiest foods on the planet!) and also not being too uptight. Whether we like it or not, there is a social aspect to junk food. I tell my husband all the time "we've been there done that" ...therefore I don't care if I never again chow down on a Little Debbie Snack, a box of Nerds, or a Push Up (really, I don't). But my children have not had the same experiences as me and no matter how much they "understand" why those foods are unhealthy who can blame them for wanting to see what they are all about? They are literally surrounded by this stuff on a regular basis - just look at school lunch rooms, TV commercials, and even check-out lines at the store.
The Feedback I Couldn't Ignore
Aside from our 100-day pledge (which ended in 2010) we have never been fully restrictive on what our girls can and can't eat. We certainly eat almost all "real food" at home, but now that our pledge is over our children indulge in processed "treats" at birthday parties, school celebrations, friend's houses, etc. I certainly wish they weren't offered junk food at so many events, but this is reality and I try not to stress about it (although I have become more involved at their school in hopes of continuing to see positive changes there). We also usually offer our girls a "once a week treat," which is pretty much the only time we eat any big sweets (other than a super dark chocolate square), but more often than not they have junk food elsewhere so others were almost always beating me to the punch when it came treat time. This means our treats together as a family didn't happen very often—or if they did my daughters would have to decide to forgo a treat that was being offered to them by someone else. Watching them make these decisions is what started bothering me deep down.
Then it just so happens that last weekend we had the chance to buy our kids their weekly treat, and by request we headed out for donuts (which I shared with this picture on Facebook). It was on that post where an interesting discussion started.
Although I can't always sit down and read every single comment personally anymore—I do read a lot of them and value what our readers have to say. And I certainly did not overlook the comment from Erin that said, "Actually, excessive discussion of 'good' food and 'bad' food can play a large role on eating disorders." Nor did I overlook the New York Times article that Marie shared that is entitled, "What’s Eating Our Kids? Fears About ‘Bad’ Foods." Then (as if I didn't already have my knickers in a twist enough) a kind reader emailed me personally and said:
"When I see your daughter questioning her food, I am encouraged by her awareness, but also concerned. I did the same thing, and my mom—who was also hyper-aware of food (and for good reason!)—encouraged this in me. I eventually become afraid of the food and restricted anything that wasn't 'healthy' —until nothing was (at the same time I over-exercised, because exercise was healthy too). It all made sense—until it didn't. I just encourage you, from the bottom of my heart, to be careful and aware and honest—but also leave some space for 'food to be food'—that's become my mantra." - 100 Days of Real Food Reader
Our Outlook Going Forward
I can truthfully tell you I have never even dabbled in eating disorders, although I (unfortunately) know many friends who have. Therefore I am no stranger to the subject and it's of course not something I would ever want my daughters to struggle with. So literally right then and there I had a discussion with my husband and we agreed to make a slight change. As soon as my daughters came home from school I told my 2nd grader, "We've decided that you can eat the foods you are offered (within reason) when you are not at home, and they will not count as your 'once a week treat.' The weekly treats we will buy or make together as a family will happen no matter what. Mommy feeds you so much good, real food at home and that's where you eat most of the time. You are such a healthy girl who is an excellent eater and also gets plenty of exercise so eating junk food at school or with friends once or twice a week could never erase that. Now eating cupcakes everyday (or twice a day) would not be a good thing, but a couple times a week is nothing for anyone to worry about." And you know what, in the grand scheme of things—even though my daughters have their moments of course—they both really are super good eaters. They eat a wide variety of whole foods including lots of vegetables and are also fairly willing to try new things. So I wasn't just talking the talk with her—even with highly processed junk food often feeling like my personal nemesis, I truly believe that eating it on occasion will not erase all that goodness.
And interestingly enough, even though my daughters have honestly never verbalized a complaint about our frequency of treats before, my 8-year-old seemed to really understand what I was telling her and even acted a little happy about this change. My kindergartner is still oblivious to quite a lot and frankly doesn't even know what day it is half the time, so I spared her this "talk" because I didn't think she'd even notice the difference at her age. But I do think what will go even further than this change is for me to (continue to) not act like the occasional junk food they eat is the end of the world (i.e. no guilt trip) while still educating them in a casual, non-threatening manner. I have also always been super careful about never criticizing my body in front of them, and I think that is another very important part of raising daughters with a healthy image as well. Now this parenting gig is something I am figuring out as I go (just like everyone else!) so we may continue to make adjustments as we move forward...but I can say that I do feel good about our renewed direction.
So today my 8-year-old came home from school and announced, "I had 3 oreos at lunch since it was a friend's birthday." Then she told me, "I read the ingredients, too." And I said with a surprise, "Oh really, what did it say?" then with a laugh she said "I don't remember." Sounds like we are on the right track with having a carefree, worry-free kid who is slightly more aware than the others. :)
Heather says
When I have these issues in my life (most recently, stressing over finding a non-GMO pectin to make homemade sugarfree jam with) my lovely friend who happens to be an organic gardener & an original 60's-era hippie tells me "It's hard to be a purist." That is the most freeing advice I've ever gotten. Enjoy your new-found freedom & know that you're doing a wonderful job :)
Steffanie Mormino says
I love this post and completely agree! We eat mostly real foods but moderation of the bad stuff when presented gives our children a skill of self control and decision making that they need to practice before becoming adults. I also believe its important that our children eat the foods that others prepare when visiting friends. It can be disrespectful if not. You are an awesome mamma!
Sara says
This may be my favorite post on your blog thus far. I don't know what the other 7 pages of comments say, but I hope they're all as positive as the comments on this page! I think it's so important to feed our children well and educate them so they can make good choices, but also helping them have a good relationship with food is so important and I think this new way of thinking for you is awesome.
Diedre says
Thank you Lisa for this post. As a mother of 2 young boys (age 2 and 3) I strive to maintain a real food household. It is not easy since my husband still has his quaker granola bars and likes ice cream. He also loves to take the boys to get a donut or a pastry from our local bakery on sat mornings. You know what it is okay. I was raised on good food but had junk food in the house and was critized about my weight by my mom. I have found that all of my friends do not follow a "real food" eating mantra --they are doing the best they can. My kids always have gold fish and graham crackers at church nursery and playgroup. I still try to bring homemade snacks with me but they still want the gold fish. I let them and that is okay. I encourage healthy choices and offer at home and do what I can. We order pizza out and I also make homemade whole wheat pizza. It is not the end of the world. I love that this blog is REAL and not so extreme that it is impossible to live by. My husband was banned all junk food at home and was never allowed McDonalds. When he left for college that was his diet - candy bars and fast food. I do not want that to happen to my boys. Keep up the great work and raising your children.
Nicole says
Very good post. It's very respectable to re examine your current values when someone addresses an opposing point of view. Or not so much opposing as just the warning that was given to you. It shows what a caring and intelligent mother you truly are because you are not only thinking about your children's nutritional needs but the reality of human behaviour. What you are doing for your daughters is distilling knowledge that they will take with them for the rest of their lives. They will be able to make more informed decisions through this as adults. I'm pretty jealous that my parents didn't teach me or inform themselves through research on how to eat a healthy balanced diet of real foods. Not understand how horrible processed food is.
Natalie says
I definitely applaude your commitment to keeping your family healthy, I would make sure that you err on the side of caution when it comes to eating disorders and how much emphasis you are placing in food. As a recovering anorexic, I have become an advocate of spreading awareness and prevention. Obviously there are many factors that lead to eating disorders but I recommend that you spend some time researching orthorexia. It sounds like if anything, you and your daughters could run the risk of suffering from that eating disorder.
Kelly says
I LOVE this post!! We are slowly transitioning our family to more and more Real Food, and I have struggled with this issue, without even really being able to "name" it, specifically. This post, however, is exactly what has been flopping around in my brain, and I think you are handling it beautifully. I appreciate your honesty, vulnerability, and willingness to make public such a personal issue. Your website has been such an encouragement to me on this journey. Thank you!!
Mandy Houghton says
This is FANTASTIC! My kids have become more aware and are making better choices. Although I cringed today when my son asked me if he could have a piece of candy (DOTS) from a bag he received at a school fair (fundraising for malaria prevention nets), he asked...he would have never asked before and I would have never questioned it. But he asked! And I said, "yes". It was okay. He somewhat enjoyed the treat, but then helped me make dinner tonight with produce from our weekly trip to the farmers market. I believe a little wiggle room goes a long way. Thank you so much for your honesty and for being willing to change the rules along the way.
Susan says
Lisa,
I love your blog, and I appreciate all you do. I have learned so much from you. I especially appreciate your honesty, and I also love your non-threatening approach to so many topics. Other food bloggers try to use scare tactics and instill fear in their readers. I hate to see that approach, but when I do, I always think of what a much better job you do in helping share information and helping educate your readers. Keep up the great work, and thank you for all you do!
Rhonda says
Thanks for posting this, it has got me thinking. I agree. It's hard to find that happy medium. I don't want my kids to stress out over food either. Teaching them to make good choices most of the time while not stressing out over the "bad stuff" will hopefully lead to a life time of good decision making. I often provide an alternative treat (such as homemade cookies, cake, or an all natural ice cream) to show them that they can have a treat without adding all the preservatives and additives and therefor not feel deprived. Your right, if you say no to all the things you feel are "bad", you could lead to them eating it without telling you and that could lead to bad eating habits and weight gain.
Lindsey says
Wow! Thank you! I am a new mom and have loved reading each of your blog posts ever since I have found your blog a month ago. You are such an inspiration and encouragement to me! Thank you and keep it up!
Tara says
How do you not obsess over feeding them real food when it's theorized that artificial flavors and colors and other additives cause ADHD and autism? I don't know how to find the balance.
Katie says
I think it is wonderful that you could take constructive feedback and apply it to yourself in such an honest way. I try to feed my family mostly real food but we do allow plenty of treats too. But I still struggle with other people's criticism of how I feed my child. But I am so proud that my 3 yr old is not the average picky eater and likes vegetables and eats what my hubby and I eat. Even at the age of 3 she will you tell you that we eat good food and exercise to be strong and healthy. As long as our beliefs about food are shared in a positive way, I think kids are not hurt by it. I applaud you for sharing your views on your blog day after day, even with the constant negative, judgemental comments.
TJH says
Another wonderful post! I am sorry to hear and read the judgemental posts that sometimes accompany your blog because I believe you're trying to do the best for your children--- and everyone knows there are a gazillion definitions for what that means. You put yourself, your thoughts and your family out there not to tell people this the only way to be but it is the way for you. I am curious if after any of these processed food situations if they experience any symptoms digestively that make them notice the difference? I am curious as I noticed this as I am addressing food allergies that equate to a real food plan. When I inadvertently ingest something I notice how different it makes me feel. Curious if others have had this reaction too?
Bohohippiemom says
Lisa, you do what works for your family. Don't worry about what everyone else has to say. Thank you so much for keeping it real. So many people are so worried about dying, they forget to live!
Kitty says
I'm raising my four year old grandson and your page has been a great help to me. He gets much healthier lunches than my own kids received 25 years ago. Thank you!
Tracy says
It makes me happy to see parents who are encouraging their children to eat healthier and having meals at home as opposed to driving them through the drive through every night because, A mom doesn't want to cook or it's fast and easy. I applaud you for doing what you are doing for your girls. If more parents were like you childhood obesity would be at a low. Now if we can just teach kids to not sit in front of the tv or computers all day.
Laurie says
Thank you for addressing such an important topic. I am a 31 year old mother to a beautiful daughter and I have personally battled an eating disorder in my early 20s. I will tell you in my humble opinion that your high focus on food is by far the healthiest (mentally and emotionally) that I have come across. For me the most detrimental contributing factor growing up was a mother who measured her food and counted every calorie. She bought us soda, chips, cookies etc but refused to eat them because they were 'fattening'. She spoke negatively about her body and only ate processed 'fat free' foods. This my friends is what leads to poor understanding of food, nutrition, and crumbled my body image. After counseling and the birth of my daughter I vowed to raise her with a healthy body image and a love for HEALTHY food. We eat as 'real' as possible but we are still on our journey. I guarantee you she knows the difference between healthy and non healthy foods but the focus on REAL food. There will nerve be calorie talk in our house and fats are celebrated because the right fats feed and nourish our body. I personally am at my healthiest physically and emotionally with food and that is thanks to websites like this. When you focus on all that you can and should eat it takes away from the thought of what you shouldn't. Lastly I will say that the most impressionable thing from my childhood was watching my mother look at her body in the mirror and speak so negatively about herself. Mothers praise your beautiful selves and do that in front of your sons and daughters!!!!
Karen says
Good for you! I joined your group at the beginning and have watched you go through many changes. I will admit that when you first started on this journey, I would find myself a little upset with the ultra strict, unforgiving diet you put your family on. I recall you being upset with your mom while on a visit for serving refined wheat (white flour) pasta instead of whole-wheat. I come from a food allergy family, and when you live with restricting foods as a matter of life and death, to witness people being that diligent on principal alone tends to make me role my eyes a bit. I'm glad to see you've relaxed your standards a little bit. Many food allergic kids end up with eating disorders due to fear of dying from eating something as simple as a peanut or a piece of cheese. You are doing a great job teaching your girls how to identify healthy food and make good choices. They will always come to you for answers.
Krista says
I loved this post! Most people are so caught up in their own thoughts and wants that they never take into consideration what you just realized. There is definitely a fine line between making your children aware but also allowing them to
Be children and learn some on their own. I love following your blog and it has definitely made my husband and I rethink our lifestyle of eating for our own girls!!!!
Mel says
Love your blog. Not only are you teaching your daughters how to feed a strong, healthy body you are also teaching them that it is ok to admit that you are wrong and change your mind. I tell my kids to make the best decision they can, with the information they have at the time and when that is no longer working reevaluate that and change course. All are great lessons for children and you should be proud about your commitment to raising happy, healthy children. Way to go Lisa!
Naome says
Thank you for this well-written and thoughtful post! I know how hard it is to do (or in your case, write) things that may be controversial and to receive feedback that isn't completely supportive. Isn't it annoying the way so many people will praise your posts but if one person has something a little different to say then that is the one comment you spend hours agonizing over? You're doing a great job!
I'd love to say more but my toddler decided to shampoo her hair while I wasn't watching...
Keep up the good work!
Melissa T says
Thanks for this post, and your honesty! My twins are only 3 (and so still pretty oblivious), but this is something I've thought about a lot - your balance makes sense to me, and I appreciate your sharing the work-in-progress that parenting (and really, life!) is. I love this blog, and look forward to seeing how your renewed direction works out for you and your family.
Julie says
I usually never comment on posts like this....but THANK YOU!! You have encouraged me more than ever! I have 2 kids ages 11 and 16. We have been on our whole foods journey for about 3 years. We are FAR from perfect but strive to eat real food as much as possible. This has been a huge journey of learning and trying to do whats best for my kids. Thank you so much for being so open and honest. I believe it gives others hope that have just started their journey. Thank you again!
Jill says
I love how you wrote this post. In a way it was kinda amusing because this is EXACTLY what I do! With birthday parties, Tball, soccer and such, the "junk food" is everywhere. My 5 yr old know artificial colors and too much sugar are not good. I've cut back on juice, even though 100% organic juice, and I have noticed a big difference in him, not nearly as hyper. He now only gets juice in the morning, one serving of milk if wanted and water the rest of the day. I ALWAYS pack his lunch with all healthy options but ALWAYS put a cookie or two with it. I shop at Whole Foods so at least there's no artificial colors.... but your so right! You can't make them afraid of food or deprive them of what all the other kids in class are having. I figure if I keep explaining what is healthy and why he will grow up to be an educated adult and make good decisions knowing how things taste and the effects of eating the best he can. Let's face it, sometimes, SOMETIMES, we have to satisfy our taste buds! LOL LOL Your a great mom so relax!
Patricia says
Thank you for addressing the negative aspects of associating food as bad. Growing up, I knew that pizza and fried chicken was bad for me, but I'd eat it when offered and then, when I had some privacy, I would throw it up plus the next couple of meals just to make sure that the bad stuff was out of me. I honestly thought this was better than digesting the foods normally. I know this isn't how everyone thinks about food, but It happened to me. I hope my story helps bring awareness to this issue. I recommend teaching your family about eating a balanced diet from known, whole sources while emphasizing that they shouldn't feel guilty for eating other things. Thanks.
Jessica says
Awesome post!
Jill says
Hi Lisa and Jason - Great article - I really enjoyed it. This is something that has crossed my mind often and I'm so glad you shared this. Hope you are both doing well! I miss working with all of you! Jill
Lisa says
Awww...thanks Jill. We miss you too and hope you are doing well with your new job! :)
Buffy Bowman says
You are so sweet. You sound like me. I have worried a lot about what my kids are eating and then worry that I'm worrying them. All in moderation I guess. Today I was volunteering at my daughters school in the first grade and was working with the kids who still aren't reading very well. One of them was acting so tired and just didn't want to read (he acts like this all the time). I asked him what he had for breakfast and he said, "Chocolate cereal." Hmmmm... No wonder. My husband is a school teacher and I used to work with Special Ed kiddos. I really wish that parents could see how important good nutrition is and how it directly relates to performance in school. We both see it all the time.
Louise says
You are a marvelous Mum. Your approach to the changes you wanted to make was thoughtful, in the very truest sense of the word. I only wish I could take on board constructive advice in the manner you have shown. Well done, and what lucky girls to have a Mum like you.
Sarah says
As someone who grew up in a household that valued eating healthy food, yet always allowed room for treats, I have only now, at 27 come to understand that eating does not have to be an all-or-nothing mentality. From the age of 12 to 25, I struggled with anorexia and was unable to healthfully understand the distinction between 'normal' eating and 'healthy eating'. After numerous treatment facilities, and finally one that taught me to value food as nourishment, not a chore, did I finally understand the difference.
I believe the attitude you have towards food, one that values it for its nourishment, its ability to sustain life, and even it's social component is one that will allow your daughters to develop their own relationship with food that is balanced.
I so appreciate all that you share on this site, and I hope that someday, when I have children I too can demonstrate the true value of a nourished life.
Linda says
Lisa, I appreciate your post and it is thought provoking. For us eating "healthy" is a matter of food allergies. We will need to find that balance but it is a matter of educating my children so that they can avoid things that are harmful to their system and creates illness in them. Something to think about definitely.
Leah says
Lisa:
I wanted to tell you how much I have enjoyed your blog and recipes. I feel privileged to have an opportunity to share your insights and knowledge about the tremendously difficult decisions that face every one of us in our time and culture regarding food.
Eating is one of the greatest pleasures in life and at the same time choosing the best way to nurture ourselves in modern times is one of our most challenging yet basic daily necessities.
Take comfort in your reflecting and active nature. Thank you again for your ideas. They´ve been a source of education, motivation, and reflection for me and my family.
Best wishes,
Leah
Kicia says
I only have a 2 year old, so I don't know the school routine yet.... but isn't it possible that there are a handful of like minded parents of her classmates who can get together and pledge to only send healthy snacks. Then possibly create an easy snack cookbook for all the other parents, and offer it to them as an alternative snack for birthdays etc. Even if only 10 participate... that's a third less junk and a third fewer decisions your kids have to make. Spread the awareness rather than making your kid feel different. I realize this is sometimes impossible since some schools require store bought items only with labels.... butmaybe in that case you could distribute a list of healthier processed snacks to the parents.
Elizabeth McKinney says
Hi Lisa, thank you for your vulnerability and candor in this post. I am slowly learning how to use less processed foods and cook in a healthier way (I've dabled with your meal plans and recipe index- thank you!) but I am far from where you are. Nevertheless, I'm inspired by your commitment, creativity, intellectual flexibility and most recently, your unpretentiousness. Thank you for having ears to hear that constructive feedback and the confidence and humility to share with us. God has used you to reshape my view of food and I know my daughters will benefit greatly.
Cheryl says
Thank you Lisa for this excellent post!! Since I started reading your blog in February and making major food changes in our family, I have struggled with not being the "food Nazi" of the house. My kids are much older than yours (18, 15, 12, and 11) so I have to realize it will take time for bad habits to be changed. So I am learning to accept gradual changes and I keep reminding myself that we are better off now than we were 6 months ago. There is a fine line between educating your children and scaring them to death! And having two daughters also I agree that you have to be so careful about the whole body image thing. Sounds like you are handling it well with your daughters. Keep up the good work, this blog is SUCH a help!
Lindi says
I need to find that happy ground as well. I know I'm obsessive about food but its hard not to b when you know just how bad it is, I mean isn't it a good thing that we want what's best for our children? I think you're doing a wonderful job, you deserve a hats off to you!!!
Bess says
I REALLY appreciate your honesty! Thanks for sharing.
Em says
Thank you for sharing this heartfelt, sincere post!!!! Thank you, thank you again. Well written. I love your blog and what you are teaching your family and the world. I have taken many of your practices and put them into play at my home with my husband and I.
I want to teach my kids the same things, one day, and I think this is exactly the approach and outlook. I never want my kids to panic when they are out, or with friends and not know what to do. I think this approach allows for freedom within boundaries.
You earned your gold star for the day!
Amy says
This is EXACTLY why you are by far my FAVORITE real food blogger. You strive for good health & great nutrition while not expecting perfection. Striving for perfection almost always ultimately ends in failure.