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I am learning that being offered processed food when you’d rather avoid it is a hot topic. The other day on Facebook I asked, “What do you do when someone offers your children a treat that's likely full of artificial dyes/flavors, preservatives, and other chemicals?” I was floored at the range of answers….here are a few examples many of which are at opposite ends of the spectrum:
- “I think it is best to be gracious to people that don't eat like you and accept their food.”
- “I let my kids have them. I figure I have control over the majority of their food, so I'm not going to worry about the few times when I don't.”
- “Sorry this is crazy let kids be kids.”
- “I agree with many others who have said it's all about balance and moderation. We eat a whole food lifestyle on a daily basis...but, whenever there are special occasions, social events, etc., we just go with the flow and enjoy the company! :)”
- “If it is from a stranger like at a bank, we say ‘No thank you, we'll have a treat after lunch.’ or something else polite. If it is at a party, I feed my kids before we go so they can eat party food, but won't be so hungry that they eat a lot. If it's at a playdate, then we bring something healthy to share, usually a fresh fruit tray full of my kids favorites. They'll eat the junk too, but not as much.”
- “I am sort of surprised at some of the replies. This is a ‘real food’ page. Of course some are at different levels but to say things like ‘this is crazy. let kids be kids!’ -- I do not understand! I don’t think what kids eat define how great their child hood is or isn't?!?!”
- “Since when did ‘letting kids be kids’ have to mean filling them with processed, refined foods full of chemicals and additives?”
- “I go with the flow with a little when possible, but sometimes being polite means politely saying no thank you. I have to tell people no when artificial dyes and artificial sweeteners are involved. My mom raised me right and I know how to use my manners to say no thanks.”
- “If it's a meal, I'll sit down and eat. But if it's a snack, I have no problem saying no.”
Does the reason for saying "no" really matter?
I have so many thoughts based on the feedback around this topic. First of all, some readers have indicated that unless you have a true allergy or medical concern it’s not right to “break the rules” at a public place (i.e. by bringing your own food to avoid concession stands at an amusement park) or turn down junk food that others are offering you. For all those that feel this way…what’s your opinion about vegetarians? That’s not exactly a medical condition is it? It’s a choice. And a lot of times it’s a moral choice. So is it bad manners for a vegetarian to turn down meat when it is offered? I don’t see how that’s much different from my choice to not eat (or not give my kids) factory-made junk food.
Now, I don’t want to mislead anyone that I am picking sides here because most of the time I honestly don’t know what to do when my kids are being offered junk food. And I think that decision doesn’t come easy because there’s frankly no “right” or “wrong” answer. At what point does being polite need to override your personal morals and values (or vice versa)?
How do the French handle it?
There are a couple of quotes from the book French Kids Eat Everything that really stood out on this topic. I’ll do a more in-depth review of the book later, but for now how about this for food for thought:
“Nutrition and healthy eating habits, while important, don’t need to be the main focus. Rather, enjoying your food is the focus, and healthy eating habits are a happy by-product.”
“The French are not primarily concerned with policing their children’s food intake, or banning all ‘fake foods.’ Rather, their goal is to train their children to eat a balanced diet and to realize how much healthier they feel if they eat mostly ‘real food.’”
I’ve always said that I don’t want to teach my children to say “no” to highly processed junk food just because “mommy said so.” But teaching them to make good food choices all on their own is no easy task especially considering that (unlike the French) almost everywhere our kids turn they are faced with some sort of junk food whether it’s a birthday party, friend’s house, gas station, dessert menu, school event, T.V. commercial, billboard, mall food court, etc. In France it’s apparently “against the rules” for anyone to offer your kid food without your permission (especially in-between meals) so no wonder it’s so easy for them to not police anyone’s food intake. Regardless, I still think there’s a lot to be learned from their attitude.
Where do you draw the line?
I was listening to Michelle Obama talk about her “Let’s Move” program on NPR the other day and she made a valid point on this very topic. She believes that our kids shouldn't have to worry or obsess about nutrition when they leave the house. I wholeheartedly agree with that statement, but finding the right balance between the wholesome food you believe in and being “polite” to all the outside forces that seem to be working against you isn’t easy. Because let’s face it, as I’ve said before, it’s NOT just one cookie or one birthday party or one piece of candy. It’s never just one. Most kids are given junk food multiple times a week for all sorts of reasons including holidays, sports practice, dance class, church events, trips to the bank, celebrations at school, and birthday parties. Junk food is no longer reserved for truly rare and special occasions.
I may sound like I am all over the map here because the truth is I am. Where do you draw the line if you don’t want your children to be overly concerned about eating healthy while at the same time not compromising the values you desperately want to teach them? My husband thinks telling others “no” helps to spread the word that junk food isn’t always appropriate…how else are we going to influence a culture shift anyway? All I know is that I am constantly bouncing back and forth between telling my kids “no” and then giving in to the junk that’s being offered to them (and frankly that they want). But as stated above, I think one reader said it best, “Since when did ‘letting kids be kids’ have to mean filling them with processed, refined foods full of chemicals and additives?” So until the rest of America catches on to this idea how are you going to handle it?
Nikki says
Very, very interesting read. I'm just at the beginning of this journey with my 15 month old son so I'm trying to arm myself with the necessary tactics. We are all about real food now with him but I do wonder how this is all going to pan out when he is older and the junk is being offered left and right.
Julie says
I think what makes this different, and harder, than vegetarianism or allergies is that it's not absolute. When someone offers me a hamburger, I have no problem saying, "No thank you; I don't eat red meat." But when someone offers my kids a donut covered with artificially-colored frosting and sprinkles, I can't truthfully say, "No thank you; we don't eat junk food." Because, occasionally, we do eat junk food.
Ellen says
ditto!
Rosanne says
We are not entirely whole foods yet but are working toward that goal. My youngest son has a number of food allergies - including ones to food dyes. They are pretty serious - yellow #5 almost caused his throat to close up when he was a toddler. I guess because of this, I'm okay in saying no thank you. Keep in mind I come from an Italian family where food pushing is an art form. My son is 11 yo now and he will say No thank you to almost all junk food almost all the time. I have had people make comments that it is "rude." I just look at them and say with a puzzled look, "So, it's polite for you to force food on my child that makes him feel sick?" I personally don't feel like it is polite to push food on people (especially kids) if they don't want it or their parents don't want them to have it.
I'm not saying we never have junk but I will never force my child to eat processed junk that makes him feel badly just to be polite if he doesn't want to. I make sure he is polite about it and doesn't make a fuss. Trust me, I have food allergy issues and have felt pressured to eat things I shouldn't and then paid for it later - all because I didn't want to be "rude."
I am a big dog person, so forgive the analogy, but people are MORE polite about other people's dogs than their children. It is rather taboo to offer someone else's dog a treat without asking first. I'm not sure why that doesn't apply to kids too????
Shay says
I believe the problem here lies in our culture. You basically said it when you explained how the french don't have the same exposure to processed foods as we do. I have two kids - 4 and 1 and we struggle with this almost every day. My MIL even went so far as to say that I was damaging my children by not letting them have junk food all the time. The special events and moments for "treats" aren't so special anymore - they are a regular event. I politely decline when appropriate and I try to set a good example by bringing healthy snacks along with me and serving real foods at our own birthday parties and dinners. Most of our family has caught on, but now my oldest is about to start school and I'm afraid I won't have as much input about what he is getting throughout the day.
MamaG says
One great tip I read and am teaching my son is the difference between "go foods" (or I sometimes call them "grow foods") and "slow foods" instead of good and bad. We can make a choice to eat both kinds of foods but he can better understand the consequences of eating either food type.
Brianna says
I really think it's all about being GRACIOUS and THANKFUL. I can graciously decline food at a friend's house by saying "Oh, that's kind of you, but I'm fine, thanks." Then I say, "But I am thirsty and I'd just love a glass of water." That way, the person can still "serve" you something, there are no 'I'm better than you because I choose not to eat that' vibes, and you can MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE. My hubs and I don't have kids (yet!), but I appreciate the approach my whole-food-loving cousin takes with her 3 yr old: "Oh, she's fine right now (or "just ate" or whatever), and her she's great about letting me know if she's hungry/thirsty." Then she turns to her daughter and says "Elle, can you show so-and-so _____toy/game/skill?" She redirects (Translation: MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE). We are a food-centered culture, but that doesn't mean that our every interaction with friends/family on the SAD (Standard American Diet) has to be driven by food. Say "no thanks," demonstrate by your words and actions that you're thankful that they thought to serve you something, and then focus on the art of conversation. :)
Ellen says
While I don't think the vegetarian analogy is exactly dead-on, I do think that it is on the same spectrum. I think you have every right to make choices about the food you give your children, and it is all in the way you deal with it. We move a lot, so I have seen it ALL when it comes to schools handing out treats, sports teams, etc. I have seen great things come of opening a conversation in a positive, constructive way. Having guidelines for refreshment after practice are do-able, (water and fruit were the stand-bys for my our soccer team.) In terms of birthday treat bags, I have found that leading by example and openly discussing it was a good way to change the tide in our circle of friends. In the same way, we saw healthier treats brought into our classrooms by friends following our yummy muffins. Teaching my children why I shop a certain way, evaluating options, eliminating dyes, etc. help kids make their own decisions. Giving your children the vocabulary to speak up makes it easier for them to do so. "I've already had 2 treats!" was something I was told that my son said at the end-of year party to a mom that had brought in special treats. It made for a graceful way to decline yet another treat. Or, "Thanks, but I'm having fruit!" (or whatever) is another easy exit. It reminds me of a "no littering" campaign in a place I once lived. If you lead by example and people can see what a positive difference it makes for the whole community, people are much more receptive. (After all, a healthier is better for their kids too!) If your choices are seen as a REJECTION of them, they are more likely to classify you as rude and a "controlling mom." I think it's crucial to stay in positive dialogue with the main stream in order to change the way the community around us operates.
gwen says
Good topic! I am constantly dealing with this. My son is 5 and my daughter is 6. I don't want to feel like I am judging others by my choices. It is extremely frustrating when it is the grandparents constantly offering them awful things though. They know my values and still try to sneak junk food to them.
We offer quality whole foods at home and then on special occasions we let them splurge.
Someone already mentioned earlier that it seems like it isn't only special occasions anymore though, it is a daily thing. everywhere we go, at least once a day someone is offering my kids junkfood! why do others get pleasure giving kids sweets!!?? It just depends on the situation but I will allow one of "something" and then say that is all. I am usually prepared with alternative snack options.
I recently fought cancer so most people who know me don't question my motives. (: Which is also crazy. So I am excused from eating junk because I had some disease? Are people just waiting for a disease to hit them before they start making good choices? Somehow it doesn't click for most people until something major happens. I am not going to push my ideas onto others, but I am also not going to compromise what is important to my family just to avoid offending someone. I am offended that anyone would offer my kids processed/artificial foods. (:
Tiffany Britton says
Our friends and family all know how my husband and I eat. If we're invited to someone's home for a meal, we know they're trying to serve us a meal that they believe is "healthy" and we eat what we're served. If we're at a gathering, and there are snacks available, we just decline, because it's not a food-centric event (the food is there just because it's polite to offer a snack to visitors).
What irks me is that we're given piles of junk at the end of races that we'd never purchase, so why would we eat it after running a half marathon?
Elizabeth says
I don't have kids but I think there is something old fashioned and nice about saying, "Thank you for offering- you are so sweet to do so. If you would like one, please help yourself, but I'll give it a skip this time." Sometimes people press me, but I have no problem saying that I am "watching my blood sugar ranges" even though I don't have diabetes.
I have bad reactions to preservatives and artificial colourants, and have to make it clear to my loved ones that I don't eat these things. If I have a meal with someone who I don't know well enough to go into my food preferences, I have a snack beforehand and bring a giant balanced salad. I'll skip over dishes that are make with heavily processed foods and load up on the other dishes or my salad. No biggie. It's just food. I'm not going to get my panties in a bundle over it. And my friends shouldn't either. :)
Kim says
My approach is to understand that my husband and I make food choices for our children, not other people. If I feel my son's diet has room for a cupcake at a party, then I allow it. If I feel he's had enough junk lately, I politely refuse and leave it at that. At home, I discuss with my son how food falls into 2 categories: to be enjoyed anytime and to be enjoyed sometimes. He understands that sometimes I say no to a certain food because he doesn't need to eat it at that time. As he grows older, he will learn to moderate his own choices.
Lisa says
"2 categories: to be enjoyed anytime and to be enjoyed sometimes"
I really like this approach and will be appropriating it! ;-) Thanks for the idea!
Kim says
Certainly! Always glad to pass around good ideas :)
Mandi says
I was just thinking about this very issue and trying to decide where I stand. I was raised with very strict restrictions against coffee, tea, and usually caffeine (oddly enough chocolate didn't count). It was not hard at all to say no to iced tea that was offered or coffee crisp candies and it was a very clear cut decision. Since I am homeschooling my 5 year old for now, it makes it a bit easier. But the constant assault of junk food and sweets is overwhelming at every social function every single time. It is hard for my whole family, me including!
To make things a bit easier I always bring healthy snacks in my purse. My daughters love the baby food squeeze purees. I think I will start packing meals for anytime the kids with others. We look like the health nut freaks, but what can you do? I think my friends are getting used to it too.
Jessica says
95% of the time I just flat out say "no thank you". If it's a lady at the bank, or the barber they don't need an explanation. These are my children to raise as I see fit, end of story. Now the one exception to my rule is Birthday parties. I do let my children have cake with the other kids. I get one slice of cake for both of my kids and me to share. But no other "junk" food. I let them eat the Hot dogs and such so they don't feel left our and that's enough in my book. I don't feel the need to explain myself to anyone, I am the parent and my work is law. I'm not going to let the possibility of offending someone get in the way of teaching my children to make healthy choices. If they do get offended it's probably because deep down they know they shouldn't be feeding they're kids that stuff either.
Karen says
If it's the difference between a whole grain pasta or white flour pasta, and you are a guest in someone's home, then yes, it is rude.
Sometimes I get miffed at folks who turn down certain foods based on 'principal'. I raised 3 children with life-threatening food allergies and sometimes artifical flavors can mean the difference between a person feeling 'normal' or feeling like an outcast. And what I really hate is when people use minor food intollerances--call them allergies--as an excuse to refuse someone's hospitality. It really muddies the waters and confuses people who don't understand true food allergies and the risks of exposure.
Molly says
I agree...slightly. I do disagree with a few other posters who will say they are allergic as an excuse when in, reality, they are not. However, my two year old son is not allergic but extremely sensitive to soy, soy by-products, eggs, and any form of dairy product or by-product. No, his sensitivity is not life threatening, but we will deal with diarrhea, vomiting, and a complete mood and behavior change if he eats even a little bit. So to us, this is certainly an excuse to refuse someone's hospitality. While I certainly feel for you and your kids with life threatening allergies (the boy I nanny for has several, and I am well-versed in the epi-pen), what may seem like a "minor" reaction to you is NOT a minor reaction to that person.
Amee says
I usually feed my kids before, but give them the option of eating there. My daughter has dye allergy and she knows it, at 5 she has no problem telling people she can't have a certain item. Sometimes we just go with the flow. We eat healthy at home, some cake isn't going to do anything to harm them, most likely be their favorite part of the party.. Life is too short to be obsessed about food.
Katrina says
I think teaching our kids at home is the first step and then reinforcing with politeness outside the home is the second. But even if you want to extend the analogy to include "religion" it is a similar value. We teach our children what we "believe" and practice, hoping that they will make the same choices without becoming hateful, offensive, or rude in their demonstrations of that to others. Balance and love are key. Some religions (foodies) make the choice to be entirely separatists. Some are so integrated into the mainstream as to seem unnoticeable. For me the key is to have a sense of humor and to remember, above all, that people and relationships are more important than things and food.
Angela says
This is a hard topic. I have a nephew who has deadly food allergies. We have taught him from age 14 months when we found out that he cannot take food from other than his parents. We have emphasized this stringently! When younger - he would just look at people and say nothing and wait for his mother to say something because he was so shy. Now at age 6 he is required to say no thank you politely. He is not required to say anything about his food allergies but he is allowed to say I might be allergic. I need to ask my mommy. But only if he wants to. Allergies make it necessary and usually most people respect this but surprisingly not always. Most of the time its a lack of knowledge.
I think its the height of rudeness for anyone to express negative things about the way another person feeds their child. Health and welfare issues are sometimes out of necessity and other times our of choice - either way - its a parents responsibility. Most people would never consider saying anything to you about how you dress your child - I can't understand why they think its ok to say things about your health choices for your child.
I think its best to tailor your decisions based on your families needs and the situation at hand. I try to eat clean as much as possible. If you can decide ahead of time - maybe that will help. If I am invited to dinner at someone's home I never say anything, but I do offer to bring something. If I am invited to dinner out I try to make the 'cleaner ' choices without making a big deal. Sometimes I say no thank you to offered junk food - other times I take a small amount. My 88 year old grandmother buys these giant cookies at the grocery store bakery. Sometimes she offers to share one with me. Its easier to say - I'll just pinch off a bite and give you the rest than to say no and see her disappointment or to explain.
I think the main thing is to have a balance and positive attitude towards good food that is good for you to teach kids how to eat well. Too much influence one way or another is a possible risk to eating disorders.
L says
Very interesting topic. We are slowly making the paradigm shift towards whole organic foods. It is difficult considering our time and budget constraints but we are working towards it because it is important to us. We have had some very frank discussions as a family about the ingredients in various fast foods and junk food treats.
My in laws believe in eating crud. Pizza Hut is our Christmas Eve dinner. McDonalds is served to my kids every time they go there. The last time they stayed the night they again ate at McDonalds. My mother in law got very offended when my kids were discussing how McDonalds is not a healthy food choice and echoing some of the conversations we had. It seems my my mother in law took this as a judgement on her and is now not watching the children any more.
Valarie says
I've experienced the other side. I am a good cook, and was often asked to prepare our holiday dinners. I did so using all fresh and organic (when possible) ingredients. EVERYTHING was homemade down to the cranberry sauce, relishes, breads, etc. My former brother-in-law's wife always brought her own food...and no, it wasn't "gluten free, sugar free" or anything else. At the last dinner I made for the family, the only thing she served herself and her children, that I had prepared, was the turkey. She brought instant mashed potatoes, canned cranberry sauce, and canned corn. I thought it was rude to prepare nearly another whole meal, especially when dietary concerns were not the reason why.
Another time she was at our home and asked for a PB & J sandwich for my niece. I pulled out natural peanut butter, homemade and low sugar strawberry jam and whole grain bread. She asked me, "don't you have regular white bread and regular peanut butter?". I said we had stopped eating "regular white bread" many years ago and I wanted my peanut butter to have, well, peanuts in it, and nothing else.
My niece and nephew are always sick with colds, stomach aches, etc. Enough said.
LessSugarNaturally says
OMG she brought her own instant mashed potatoes, canned cranberry sauce, and canned corn? Who would do that??? That is so ridiculous it's kinda funny.
Jean says
I agree with previous post. Understand why you'd be offended but that's so silly it is funny! Instant potatoes.... OMG!!!
Sandi says
Obviously this comment is late, but I felt I had to say something. Although I am firmly in the real food camp (most of the time, anyway), I think this comment delineates exactly the dilemma that this post is bringing up.
Valarie, if you went to your BIL's house and all they were serving was canned corn, instant mashers, etc, and you wanted to bring your own real food, would you want them to think you were rude, as you state you thought of them? I understand it's fairly ridiculous to think that someone would bring their own processed stuff to a house that is serving fresh, tasty, lovingly prepared whole food, but that's the choice of the family bringing it. We should respect the food choices of others, as we would like them to respect ours. It goes both ways.
I generally bring my own food to get-togethers, but my family is a "please bring something along" kind of family, so my son and I can quietly just eat what I have brought and have whatever else we choose to eat that others have brought. My family thinks I am a little over-the-top about my food choices, but I am fortunate that they respect my views, even if they don't agree.
That being said, Valarie, I'd love to come to your house for dinner. :)
RevAllyson says
I give in to junk once in a while. We sometimes buy it (says the lady with the empty box of Fiddle Faddle in the kitchen...). We do try to limit it, though. Dyes have turned out to not be a problem for us (yes, I know the arguments against them, but it's my choice) but we are exceptionally careful with HFCS and other artificial sugars because they cause issues with the boy-twin's autism. I know perhaps it's a cop-out, but I will often say things like, "Oh, that makes our boy very ill, so we can't give it to him."
Molly says
I was originally of the mindset of 80/20. We eat REAL at home and I thought perhaps, at school, during parties or friends' birthday parties, etc.., they are offered treats, moderation is okay. HOWEVER, it is nonstop, thereby making it NOT moderation. Truly, this past year in Preschool (a very nice one) there was some type of event at LEAST weekly. The event or party was filled with cupcakes, juice boxes, etc. But, even the snacks they give them daily are not always whole foods. When I try to talk about it, people look at me like I have three heads. Similarly to another commenter, I have often felt ostracized by friends, family and other parents in social settings for the choices we are making for our children. "You are crazy," I hear constantly with a laugh so that it is joking, when in reality, it is no joke... In addition to school, once activities are considered, they are offered junk daily. Friends bring snacks to ballet class and (kindly) try to share with my children. Sunday school snacks are all processed, even soccer snacks are often processed (oranges with Capri Suns or fruit roll ups). School starts in September and it is already on my mind how to handle this differently and more effectively so that my children are not served processed food daily. I do not enjoy conflict (who does?) or stirrin up the pot at school, but would I rather make nice with the grown-ups at school or know that my children are being given the best nutrition possible, thereby setting them up for the most success (emotionally and physically) possible? At the end of the day, I have to do what I know is healthy for my children and that will be the driving force behind the choices we make. What does everyone do for Halloween?
Reanna says
I consider Halloween to be one of those rare treat times and let him have his candy. He's actually pretty picky so some of it just gets tossed. But if we are eating right the rest of the year a few days spread out over the year are not going to hurt.
Besides, we live for Halloween! It's our favorite holiday and we do lots of fun things that time of year. I don't know to what extent other families pile on treats and goodies during holidays but for us it was never much and I've kept that tradition for my son. A little for Halloween, Christmas, Easter and he's good. I bake my own goodies, too, so with the exception of Halloween the majority of the treats are quality-controlled deliciousness.
R
Krys says
Halloween is a free-for-all, though we only trick-or-treat the four blocks to my in-laws. The kids can eat what they want (after I inspect the bag). My son has some and puts some in his stash. A couple times a year... I have to go through his stash to throw out the stuff that is old, i.e. Halloween candy at Easter and vice versa. I think it's more the idea of it. But the more good healthy food they eat the more the other stuff just doesn't taste as good.
Rachael says
We started eating cleaner the beginning of this year. Because I didn't want to be an obsessed food nazi, I didn't know how much I was getting into my kids about eating healthier until one day in March. When my daughter, who is 8, came into the car after school, she had McDonald's food (apple juice and sliced apples) in her hands. I asked her where she got it, and it came from her teacher, who had rewarded all her students a happy meal for doing so well with the state testing. But she reassured me that she told her teacher, in front of her classmates, that she wasn't allowed to eat it because it isn't healthy! So, all she took from the kids meal was the apples, juice, and the toy. Granted, still not the greatest, but way better than the burger and fries! :) I think kids want to make healthier decisions, but it's hard with all the things they are offered, especially at school! If we give them guidelines at home, and tell them that they don't have to eat everything that is given to them, they will make a better decision. This school year, though, is going to be hard. My youngest is going to all day kindergarten, and the parents have to take turns providing an afternoon snack. The snacks are supposed to be healthy, but I don't think a lot of the parents understand what "healthy" actually means. Right now, I'm torn on if I should just provide a snack for him everyday, or just go with the flow, and let him have what everyone else provides.
Chana says
Just got into an argument with my mom as she always wants to give my 4.5yr old treats. I typically say "no, he doesn't need that". She eats junk 24/7, so for her, giving my son treats 3-4x a day, is nothing. If he already had a donut in the morning, I really don't feel he needs to have a ice cream cone in the afternoon. She brought up the fact that "you think you're so pefect; you think you're better then everyone else". I don't believe that at all. My husband and I have made a choice to feed are kids as healthy as we can, and if that means saying no to others who want to give them treats, I feel we can.
Hally says
GREAT post. You know, I think we all have this idea that we owe other people an explanation if we say no. If someone says, "Would you like some Cheetos?" all we have to say is, "no, thank you." They didn't ask, "Would you like some Cheetos? And if no, why not?" And even if they did, we don't have to answer that part!
The quote from the book is exactly how I feel:
"...their goal is to train their children to eat a balanced diet and to realize how much healthier they feel if they eat mostly ‘real food.'"
I have three children, each of whom has food sensitivities. None of them are *allergies,* they are senstivities. And for most of them, the symptoms are emotional/behavioral. However, I don't really see the possibility of my 7-year old having an emotional breakdown in tears and frustration much different than the possibility of, say, anaphalactic shock. Is the former life-threatening in that moment? No. But so what? Nobody wants to feel that way. And if avoiding processed sugar and corn helps, so be it. Honestly, I have been *shocked* at the decisions she's made on her own, when I'm not around. Why has she done so? Because she *knows* the difference when she eats sugar & corn and when she doesn't. She doesn't like to feel the way she feels when she's consumed them. On occasion, there has been an instance where she *really* wanted something everybody else was having. So we had a short discussion, talking about the pros and cons, and what might happen. And she still chose to eat it. And the next day she started having an "episode." But I reminded her what it was from, and she even handled it a little better than usual. And, I think, reaping what she sowed really taught her something.
My 2 year old is sensitive to gluten. When it comes to making sure he's not getting any, I view myself as his bodyguard in that respect. He turns into an absolute nut job if he has gluten. And that's no good for us, either, having to deal with it.
In my experience, there's nothing quite like having "junk" food after a period of time without it. My body tries so hard to reject it. It simply makes it not worth it.
LM says
It is completely within your right to not want your children to eat foods you do not allow in your own home. No questions would be asked if you were following a specific diet for religious purposes, such as Kosher. A simple "no, thank you" should suffice. If the other person is offended perhaps you aren't meant to socialize with that person.
vikie says
I have spent considerable time teaching my kids (ages 6 and 8) about nutrition and their bodies. Now I don't have to monitor what they eat when they're at a party or function. My daughter will politely ask if the food has HFCS, partially hydrogenated oils, artificial colors or flavors, MSG, etc. Usually, the host doesn't know what is/isn't in the food so Hannah nicely says, "No thank you." Of course, everyone who knows us knows we're "weird" about what we eat. We're also vegetarian:-)
My oldest went to "real school" for kindergarten and I packed her lunch every day. I offered a few times to let her buy lunch, but she said she'd rather have what I packed for her. It definitely helps that we are home all day so that I know what they're eating.
Jenifer says
Kudos to your daughter! My kids are the same age as you, and although we eat a whole diet at home, they LOVE anything they can get their hands on elsewhere. My 6 year old boy especially. He literally cries because I won't buy him Lunchables & that's what "everyone" else takes to school for lunch. :rolling eyes:
This really is a struggle for me, though, because he's almost gone on a food strike. He's stopped eating most everything that I pack in his lunch & will only eat a few things at home. I don't make seperate meals for him, so sometimes he eats & sometimes he won't until the next morning because he doesn't want anything we have... no fruits, no veggies, etc. The kid is 6 but only weighs 40 pounds even though he's pretty tall for his age. He's skinny! I know he'll eat again eventually, but it's rough dealing with this right now.
TracyDK says
I think that this can only be answered on a case by case basis. And generally you can explain things to your closer friends so that they can have something else to offer when you're there. (for instance at a supper or something. We make concessions for those who have particular diets for various reasons.) You can politely say no without telling them that you'd rather your child not be poisoned. (yes I've heard a parent say that to another in reference to a cupcake.) And my question to is this...if it is a party or something can't you offer to bring something, to help out. And I'm not meaning something like taking celery sticks to a 2 year old's birthday party. But ask of she'd like help making cupcakes. And make some scratch cupcakes. I have friends who don't like food dye because their child has autism. So I always make sure that what her son gets is completely dye free. I'd have the same reaction even if it wasn't desired just because. The only thing that worries me is in our school system, no homemade anything can be brought to class parties. It ALL has to be purchased at the store. So birthdays, holidays...NOTHING but store bought sweets and whatnot. UGH!
Jenny says
Lol, I have been on the flip side of this argument. I have had my food turned down by both vegans and vegetarians. We eat whole healthy organic foods but we eat meat. I have been turned down and felt fine about it and I have been turned down and felt insulted. It doesn't have anything to do with being turned down it has to with how you choose to do it. "No Thanks" is fine. "No thank we don't eat that" accompanied by a long rambling speech or lecture is rude. On the flip side of this my in laws refuse to eat anything I make because it's weird (translates to has spices and herbs) and doesn't come from a bag, can, or box and therefore can't be trusted. Go with your gut because there is no winning or one size fits all solution.
vikie says
I have friends who are diabetic and only eat processed store bought food or processed fast food from restaurants with a 100% sanitation score.
It's beyond me why anyone would make those choices over organic, healthy fruits and vegetables.
Crista says
I am diabetic and since embracing the whole foods diet my diabetes has gotten so much better. I cut out one of the insulins I was taking and I am down to taking the lowest unit of the other insulin that I have ever taken. My doctor says that if I keep it up I should be able to get off insulin completely. It is amazing at the differences in my health that I have accomplished simply by choosing whole foods over processed foods in the last 7 months.
Colleen says
Jenny I agree... a quick, "no thank you" is usually all that is needed. Most people don't want to hear about your eating philosophy. I've had the most trouble with pre-school (the snacks provided are less than nutritious) and family. Family is more difficult because in many homes food equals love. Particular dishes have deep meaning, recipes passed down from grandma and they bring warm memories. By offering and indulging in these treats they are trying to recreate those past experiences. Refusing can feel like a harsh judgement. For myself, I try to take a balanced approach but it isn't easy. Treats are really treats anymore... they are consumed daily! Remember when they used to show a Disney movie on Sunday nights... what a treat that was? Now, our kids don't think of movies as special events. It's the same with cookies, cakes, candies and other foods... wouldn't it be nice to make them feel special again?
Courtney says
I am a vegetarian and have no problem politely saying "no thanks" when people serve or offer something with meat in it. I think the same goes here. Depending on how frequently your kids are going to parties/gatherings--I would just tell them to make the best choices they can based on what is there and if they feel like indulging in the "junk" occasionally--thats ok too. I think completely restricting their choices may lead to resentment. If they are on a real food diet most of the time--its likely that they will feel the difference when they indulge and be less likely to do so next time. I don't think they should feel the need to embellish on the reasons they don't eat the junk either---I think doing so is going to alienate them from their peers.
Amanda G says
I think your husband is right on! Unfortunately, as parents sometimes we have to make the hard choices. I am a vegan who also only eats real food. I allow my kids to have organic dairy, but we've cut out all added sugars. I am learning to be more assertive when it comes to saying no, and at the end of the day, I feel confident that I've done the right thing. I've even thought about just saying, "no thank you, we're allergic to sugar". If people are offended, I think it's because they know deep down that they are making the wrong food choices for themselves and their families.
Jennifer T says
We made the change to eating better almost 5 months ago and admittedly, it's been hard for my 3 and 7 year old. I took away almost all of their favorite "treats". We went to visit friends and her 4 year old greated us with a bag of marshmallows for my daghter because on our last visit they shared them and I said no. (and felt bad because he was making a kind gesture and remembered what she liked) I'm trying to teach them about good and bad food and they're making better choices on their own now! My mcnugget junkies now happily tell people how awful fast food is and never ask for it any more. I don't want to be "that mom", but I do draw the line. Popcorn and pretzels with friends, sure. Lollipops and marshmallows, no. they seem to understand and so far I don't seem to be destroying their childhood. Heck, if our parents had known about how bad convenience foods are, I probably wouldn't be in the middle of working so hard to lose 50 pounds.
Rachel says
This is such an interesting topic. As one who was vegan for several years, I can tell you that diet can cause such a divide in important relationships. I think discussion as a family is vital. Teaching your children about why we eat certain things and not others is important, and when they start getting older, letting them make choices for themselves, good and bad, and using them as teaching moments. Also, coming up with a plan before you go to these events and decide where you will draw a line makes it so much easier. For myself, I give parameters such as "pick one treat" or "x #'s of servings." I think sticking up for your beliefs is important, but I also believe that relationships are often more important that food, and can therefore make cause for a little compromise in some areas. Little kids who feel excluded constantly because they cannot participate in parties will grow up to resent healthy food and over control of a child's food has been linked to eating disorders later. It's all about teaching, guiding, and allowing for growth (AKA mistakes and some bad choices). I have also found these two points vital: 1. Never discuss why you do/don't eat certain foods while eating - nothing is worse than telling someone how horrible something is to eat when the person you are talking to is eating that thing. 2. It's okay sometimes to just say, "I don't like . . ." or just declining an offer of food, rather than get on the soapbox. Actions speak loudly. People will notice that you eat healthy and that there are certain things you don't eat. They will be more willing to discuss these with you, and approach you with questions with an open mind than if they feel they are preached to.
Courtney says
I totally agree---I think that sometimes people get turned off from changing their eating habits because they're tired of being preached to about it.
Heather says
I really like what you said. It is good advice.
Andrea says
Thank you, Rachel, for your realistic approach to this. I so badly want my kiddos to eat healthy and make great choices all of the time, but I know they need to internalize the reasons we eat healthy and do it for THEMSELVES (with the proper amount of guidance and errors, etc.). We have come up with the rule that they can eat what's offered to them when we go to other's homes, only because to me that relationship is much more important than an occasional splurge. But I will respect what other people choose to do, always.
More Than A Mom says
Interesting points for both sides. When you said if you are a vegetarian turning down meat, that is a choice the individual has made for themselves. Does the line blur a bit when making a choice for someone else (e.g. not wanting your own children to eat a certain way but they would like to eat it)? I'm of the "in moderation" and as a sometimes treat school of thought. Also, through the teaching of your children in making good choices there does have to be a point where they need to be given a little freedom of choice and see how they react. They likely will think it's too sweet or not taste very good and only have a bite anyway if their taste palette has been trained well.
Finally, I sure hope people aren't offering food directly to children. They should always ask the adult they are with if they can give them a treat. I wouldn't take food from strangers and my children should know not to either. If it's at a party or playgroup setting then that is what my comments above are referring to.
Ruth says
Last night at work, a girl brought in brownies. I said no. I'm not perfect, but I'm trying.
Then I got this attitude that I was somehow better or holier than her.
In a society that is fat and cognoscent of what they are eating, I was somehow making this girl feel bad and guilty for not eating the right thing.
vikie says
Sometimes I take the attitude of
"They can all be fat, dumb, and broke".
We live in a society of debt, mindless TV, and overindulgence in food and drink.
My family chooses to live debt-free, read books and play games instead of having cable, and we eat plant-based, whole foods. That makes us weird, but stealing from Dave Ramsey, "Normal is broke (and I add fat and dumb).
and I'm sure this comment will not make me any more popular
Hilary T says
I agree!
Melanie says
It's not the "debt-free", "plant based, whole foods" that makes you 'weird' ... but quite possibly the fact that you call others fat and dumb. You should encourage by setting an example ... not by being condecending.
Reanna says
John Lennon said "Keep you doped with religion, sex, and TV and you'll think you're so clever and classless and free."
R
Cathie says
Great comment, Vikie! I was going to say that the idea of self discipline has gone by the way side. Nowhere is that more evident than with food and food choices. People do not know when to stop. When I was growing up a soda or a dessert was a treat I got maybe once or twice a month and it was SMALL. People have forgotten how to say NO and enough is enough. I do believe that processed foods MAKE us want more- I have found since I eat almost all real food I am don't eat as much and am not as hungry. Plus I have lost 42 pounds. Yes!
I am also the cook in my family. My kids eat what I buy and make and that's how it goes! They can buy and cook their own food when they are on their own, but for now . . .
Stephanie says
We do the same things and I feel the exact same way!
Danyelle says
I feel that way when faced with this situation, ppl truly think that you think you are better. They have ZERO idea how bad some of the foods relaly are.
Susan says
Danyelle- I can so relate to that! After I read a book called "Death by Supermarket" a few years ago, I stopped shopping at the grocery store. I'm lucky that my health food store is even closer than the grocery store! But I had a neighbor who kept asking me if I had tried this new product. Everytime I saw her, she would ask if I had tried it yet. I blew her off by saying that I hadn't been to the store, but by the third week, she asked how it is we eat if I am never at the store. So I told her I hadn't been to the regular grocery store, but to the health food store only. After a 5 minute lecture on how expensive the health food store is, she told me that I can find all the same things at the grocery store for much, much cheaper. So I explained to her that we don't eat processed food she gave me a rude chuckle and said, "Well, of course, only the best for you, Susan." I later found out from other neighbors that she told everyone I am a snob because I think I am better than everyone else because we eat real foods. Whatever!!
I've learned to brush off everyone comments with this thought: They can't help but be nasty because their bodies are so filled with chemicals that it has affected their brain!!
Heather says
I have encountered this kind of situation before too. I don't understand why we can't choose to eat how we want to eat without people being offended. I think it just makes people feel badly about their eating habits so they want to give us a hard time.
Leash says
I really like this topic for 2 reasons. 1) what happened to growing up with morals and values and teaching them to our kids? When I was growing up if your parents said you couldn't have something you couldn't have it. Period. End of story. There was no argument or need to explain yourself to anyone. Noone respects anyone's believes anymore moral Ericson or otherwise. You shouldn't have to worry about saying "no, thank you" and offeding someone. 2) I think there are way to many people out there whoes mindset is "well I can make that choice for me but I can't force my kids to live like that" and they end up making separate meals for everyone in the household. Why? If your philosophy is to eat healthy then your kids eat health too and when they grow up and move out then they can make there own choices about what to put in there body and hopefully you will have rubbed off enough that they will make those same food choices.
Mandi says
Amen!
Melissa says
Amen!
vikie says
Absolutely!
Julie says
It is such a hard call. I deal with this ALL THE TIME with my four year old daughter. And it is mainly with the grandmothers who feed my kids junk and I feel afraid to say something since I don't want to be that obsessed, controlling mother about food with my kids. But the thing is, I AM that mother who wants my kids to eat healthy, whole food 80 % of the time. People always say "that's what grandparents are for, to let kids do what parents won't allow" but my mom is feeding my daughter at least once a week. You are right, Lisa, it isn't moderations. It's the oreos brought in my parents for snack at day camp, it's the tootsie roll at the salon after getting a hair cut, it's the candy-ridden favor bag at a birthday party, it's grandma taking the kids for ice cream. It is a great topic to discuss, but always a constant judgment call. Let me know if you figure it out, because my oldest is four and I have a feeling this is only the beginning. Interestingly enough, we lived in NYC for the last 6 years and moved to TX a year ago. In NYC, I didn't encounter this as much. In general, my friends there and our neighborhood in Queens, really valued eating whole, real foods, so snacks & treats were cut up fruit and veggie booty was as junky as it got. I didn't encounter candy treats, junk food as snack at school, until we moved here.
Jean says
The grandparents are the worse! We are scared to leave our kids with them for extended periods of time.
Stephanie says
This thing with the grandparents has me worried. My boys look at their grandparents like they walk on water. Love them to death and I wouldn't change that for anything. However, when it's the grandparents offering junk and the husband says they don't see them that often leave em alone and let them be kids, it makes me wonder if they see that example and think grandmom and grandpop eat those things so it's okay and mom is crazy. I try and say no but I can't always be there and the grandparents sneak junk food to the kids against my wishes. I don't want closet junk eaters any more than I want them eating it at school everday. I have no idea how to handle this!
Mrs. B. says
When I was growing up my mom's favorite snack was apples and popcorn, but about twice a year she'd give us popcorn and homemade fudge to drizzle over. OMG! Don't knock it until you try it. And sometimes in the summer she'd let us buy neon orange Flinstones pushpops.
My mom was a stay at home mom and we never had the money for junk food. She made everything from scratch because we got more from it nutrtionally and my mom to this day has a hatred for chemicals that aren't necessary.
When we went to someone's house I don't even remember being offered junk food. It was usually fruit. When and if we can have children I think I'll offer the good snacks at home and let them decide for themselves about snacks they're offered elsewhere.
Annie says
We have friends (one family in particular), who are constantly eating and constantly giving their kids between-meal snacks that are usually junky. When we are there, I let our granddaughter have a small portion of the first snack offered (i.e., one piece of candy or one cookie), then when other snacks are offered, I politely tell her or whomever is offering that she needs to wait until after lunch (or dinner, if that's the next meal).
Our granddaughter gets a small treat without going overboard, and the host family sees my limits as reasonable, although they don't follow such limits themselves.
Sara says
I like your analogy to vegetarians. I am a vegetarian and have no problem saying "no" when someone offers me food that I choose not to eat. I think that the same can apply to all choice made about what foods to eat. If you choose to eat only whole foods, it is completely okay to say "no" to processed junk without any explanation needed beyond "I choose not to eat that".
Food Babe says
Tell it sister. Great food for thought for even for someone who doesn't have kids! :)