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I am learning that being offered processed food when you’d rather avoid it is a hot topic. The other day on Facebook I asked, “What do you do when someone offers your children a treat that's likely full of artificial dyes/flavors, preservatives, and other chemicals?” I was floored at the range of answers….here are a few examples many of which are at opposite ends of the spectrum:
- “I think it is best to be gracious to people that don't eat like you and accept their food.”
- “I let my kids have them. I figure I have control over the majority of their food, so I'm not going to worry about the few times when I don't.”
- “Sorry this is crazy let kids be kids.”
- “I agree with many others who have said it's all about balance and moderation. We eat a whole food lifestyle on a daily basis...but, whenever there are special occasions, social events, etc., we just go with the flow and enjoy the company! :)”
- “If it is from a stranger like at a bank, we say ‘No thank you, we'll have a treat after lunch.’ or something else polite. If it is at a party, I feed my kids before we go so they can eat party food, but won't be so hungry that they eat a lot. If it's at a playdate, then we bring something healthy to share, usually a fresh fruit tray full of my kids favorites. They'll eat the junk too, but not as much.”
- “I am sort of surprised at some of the replies. This is a ‘real food’ page. Of course some are at different levels but to say things like ‘this is crazy. let kids be kids!’ -- I do not understand! I don’t think what kids eat define how great their child hood is or isn't?!?!”
- “Since when did ‘letting kids be kids’ have to mean filling them with processed, refined foods full of chemicals and additives?”
- “I go with the flow with a little when possible, but sometimes being polite means politely saying no thank you. I have to tell people no when artificial dyes and artificial sweeteners are involved. My mom raised me right and I know how to use my manners to say no thanks.”
- “If it's a meal, I'll sit down and eat. But if it's a snack, I have no problem saying no.”
Does the reason for saying "no" really matter?
I have so many thoughts based on the feedback around this topic. First of all, some readers have indicated that unless you have a true allergy or medical concern it’s not right to “break the rules” at a public place (i.e. by bringing your own food to avoid concession stands at an amusement park) or turn down junk food that others are offering you. For all those that feel this way…what’s your opinion about vegetarians? That’s not exactly a medical condition is it? It’s a choice. And a lot of times it’s a moral choice. So is it bad manners for a vegetarian to turn down meat when it is offered? I don’t see how that’s much different from my choice to not eat (or not give my kids) factory-made junk food.
Now, I don’t want to mislead anyone that I am picking sides here because most of the time I honestly don’t know what to do when my kids are being offered junk food. And I think that decision doesn’t come easy because there’s frankly no “right” or “wrong” answer. At what point does being polite need to override your personal morals and values (or vice versa)?
How do the French handle it?
There are a couple of quotes from the book French Kids Eat Everything that really stood out on this topic. I’ll do a more in-depth review of the book later, but for now how about this for food for thought:
“Nutrition and healthy eating habits, while important, don’t need to be the main focus. Rather, enjoying your food is the focus, and healthy eating habits are a happy by-product.”
“The French are not primarily concerned with policing their children’s food intake, or banning all ‘fake foods.’ Rather, their goal is to train their children to eat a balanced diet and to realize how much healthier they feel if they eat mostly ‘real food.’”
I’ve always said that I don’t want to teach my children to say “no” to highly processed junk food just because “mommy said so.” But teaching them to make good food choices all on their own is no easy task especially considering that (unlike the French) almost everywhere our kids turn they are faced with some sort of junk food whether it’s a birthday party, friend’s house, gas station, dessert menu, school event, T.V. commercial, billboard, mall food court, etc. In France it’s apparently “against the rules” for anyone to offer your kid food without your permission (especially in-between meals) so no wonder it’s so easy for them to not police anyone’s food intake. Regardless, I still think there’s a lot to be learned from their attitude.
Where do you draw the line?
I was listening to Michelle Obama talk about her “Let’s Move” program on NPR the other day and she made a valid point on this very topic. She believes that our kids shouldn't have to worry or obsess about nutrition when they leave the house. I wholeheartedly agree with that statement, but finding the right balance between the wholesome food you believe in and being “polite” to all the outside forces that seem to be working against you isn’t easy. Because let’s face it, as I’ve said before, it’s NOT just one cookie or one birthday party or one piece of candy. It’s never just one. Most kids are given junk food multiple times a week for all sorts of reasons including holidays, sports practice, dance class, church events, trips to the bank, celebrations at school, and birthday parties. Junk food is no longer reserved for truly rare and special occasions.
I may sound like I am all over the map here because the truth is I am. Where do you draw the line if you don’t want your children to be overly concerned about eating healthy while at the same time not compromising the values you desperately want to teach them? My husband thinks telling others “no” helps to spread the word that junk food isn’t always appropriate…how else are we going to influence a culture shift anyway? All I know is that I am constantly bouncing back and forth between telling my kids “no” and then giving in to the junk that’s being offered to them (and frankly that they want). But as stated above, I think one reader said it best, “Since when did ‘letting kids be kids’ have to mean filling them with processed, refined foods full of chemicals and additives?” So until the rest of America catches on to this idea how are you going to handle it?
Sharee says
Great topic! :) For me, I make sure the majority of what my kids eat is real whole food. I make sure they see *me* making healthy food choices. I teach them the difference between healthy and not (reading labels, buying organic...) and teach them cooking skills as they grow.
As for saying "no, thank you" it depends on the situation. If it's at a bank, hair cutter, or some other place where you aren't close with the person we say no thank you and instead once out to the car, give them a less yucky treat (yummy earth lollipops). I let them know it's ok to have a treat -- and still avoid the yuckies.
If it's a person we're close to - a friends party, in laws, etc. I let them have the yucky stuff. I'd rather not make a big issue of it or even just say no thank you as people tend not to take this well. Usually this means a piece of cake (I usually have our drinks with us in sippies). One usually small piece of yucky chemical cake is not great, but when you look at the big picture of mostly healthy whole food I can deal with it.
Kathy says
Just having healthy food in the fridge and when you eat - at home if at all possible - is a big part of the battle. My daughter has a smart phone and we scan the UPCs of sweet cereals and other processed foods using fooducate. She no longer drinks any fruit flavored drinks and was mortified when she learned that most breakfast cereals have known cancer causing additives.
At an early age, get them involved in planning meals, cooking and even growing food. They will not always make the healthiest choices, but they will have the basic nutritional info. We make our own nut butters, salad dressings, marinades, etc. Just GET THEM INVOLVED!!
Jane says
When I was a kid, my mom had different food than all the other moms. Intead of ordering out pizzas for my sleepovers, We all made tacos. At christmas, we all (at age 12 and up) made christmas candy together.
And then, when I started going to other houses for slumber parties, the mothers told me that their daughters requested what *my* mom did. As adults (and in many cases, mothers) my friends are now cooking like my mom taught them. Little efforts like that can make a difference!
WhitMc says
I love that you opened up this discussion, first on Facebook and here. It's different for every family and for different situations. My daughter is only 2, so controlling her food is much easier than it will be in a few years. But I gave up refined sugar about 5 months ago, and I have had no problems politely declining offers of treats from friends with the explanation of "I don't eat refined sugar" much like a vegetarian doesn't eat meat.
But I agree, it's about educating our children about nutrition, so they understand why we are saying "No" to treats and so maybe, when faced with a decision on their own, they will choose fruit over candy.
I was raised in a healthy household where raw veggies were always the snack available between meals and we each got one box of sugar cereal a year. And I certainly would load up on candy and other treats at friends houses and once I was on my own in college, BUT, I had the backdrop of healthy eating, and I knew that my choices were unhealthy and I knew how to make healthy choices. I think the biggest problem is when kids (and adults) think thinks like "Fruit juice from concentrate" is healthy because it says "fruit" and Goldfish crackers are healthy because they are "made with real cheese." That is what we need to work on--really drawing the line where it should be drawn.
destiney says
i honestly say that is your at a party or such i try to get my kids to eat more healthy options but when it come to cake or other junk food that they eat what once or twice it's fine to let them have it. i would feel like a total meanie to not let them indulge when its in a social setting and all the other kids are allowed. and my reason is that i can't say i am ever perfect and i have gotten junk food on the sly before. I just make it a point to let them know why that cake or popsicle is not good for them so they can learn to think about there decisions when eating food.
RJ says
My daughter is only seventeen months so it is still easy for me. I say no thank you. If it is a gift her dad eats it or we toss it. If we are at a party and she is offered something I say no thanks. Depending on the person offering I may or may not offer an explanation. I am sure tactics will change as she gets older.
Tracy says
Oh gosh, where to start?! I can see why you're flip-floppy, because I am too. It's a daily battle. Kids can't go to school one day without "junk" being offered to them. I pack my kids lunch and they cannot get the school lunch. But without fail, a teacher "rewards" the kids for something, sometimes multiple times a day. When my older daughter was in preschool, I talked to her teacher about different rewards, and encouraged a play money reward system where at the end of the week, they could "buy" things with their play money. Now, being in 4th grade, the teachers just go for the "easy" rewards of candy. And the kids love it. I try not to be too uptight about it, but even letting my kids go to friends houses, where I know that they don't share my food values, I try to ask impassively about what they eat and TRY not to let them see my blood boil. Part of my problem is that I have two girls and I feel that the pressure to look a certain way from society, I want to avoid from them. When we talk about eating healthy, we talk about how our body uses food to give us energy and help our bones and muscles grow and avoid words like "fat". We focus on healthy, so as to avoid the physical obsession. So I try to teach them and hope that they will learn to make the best choices, but at the same time, try not to freak out when they do have the treats, for fear that they will become compulsive closet eaters to avoid my wrath. I agree that the occasional artificially dyed thing is probably going to be okay. I won't buy them for my house and I regulate the amount of treats they get, but I don't want to push them in the other direction by being so strict about it. Like you, I am wishy-washy on the subject!
Jodie says
Thank you for writing this. I do think everyone once and a while a treat is OK. But, I am having a hard time deciding what to do about my in-laws.
They only live a mile away and we are there at least once a week for a meal (and this summer it has been more like 3-5 times a week, sometimes I am not there with the girls) The thing is that they have white bread, JIFF peanut butter, and bright yellow cheese (at home I made my own bread in the bread machine, buy organic peanut butter and we have white organic cheddar). My daughters get their way when Grandma cooks and usually have a PB&J sandwich or a grilled cheese (by the way, my MIL is seen as some kind of hero because she "bakes her own bread" when really it is Rhodes frozen dough, which still has HFCS & soybean oil in it! Seriously, her SIL and my FIL say, "what a woman" when she does this!) My FIL is extremely set in his ways, does not like whole wheat products and is hesitant to try new things, and is very vocal when he does not like something. My MIL seams to have this mentality that "name brand" (vs store brand) and "homemade" (like hotdogs made at the meat market, they still do not have the best ingredients) equals healthier. I hate to always say "you have to read the label" and "HFCS/Soybean oil is in everything" and "I don't want the girls to eat this and that" So I usually keep my mouth shut. I don't want to sound like I think I am better than them because I watch what we eat. (she is getting better about blurting out, "I have cookies for dessert" and asking me before offering them one)
But since we have been eating over there more and more, I feel like I need to do something. ****If anyone read this, have any suggestions?****
And I wanted to add this, my 4 year old recently took swimming lessons and on the last day all the classes got a little treat from their teacher. My daughter got 2 pieces of candy, as did most of the other classes. But I noticed once class got oranges from their teacher. I thought that was really nice of that teacher, hope my daughter gets him in her next session :)
mandy says
i lived right next door to my mil for a long time. we had a lot of trouble with her respecting my rules about food and tv. she actually coaxed my girls to lie if asked about being fed junk. that was it for me. i marched right over there and blew up. my girls weren't allowed to go over for about a month, then everything calmed down, and she started to respect my wishes. now we get along great, and i can trust her. she still doesn't grasp the concept of what my kids can and cannot eat, but she tries. i usually just pack all their food everywhere they go. i'm sure you don't want to purposely go over and blow up on your mil, but i just wanted to let you know there still is hope! somehow.
Jenifer says
I really wish I would have seen this conversation on the FB! One thing I didn't see anyone say is that most of the time I don't have to say anything at all. My children do! My kids have a profound understanding of the fact that most of the sugary crap being pushed on kids these days isn't really food at all! Its PHUDE. Chemical concoctions made to look and taste yummy. But they are with out a doubt BAD for you. So my kids politely so no thanks when they are offered something bright blue or red or sprinkled or covered in sugar. And if they aren't sure, then they will quietly ask me. And if there are other choices they will always pick fruits and veggies. The answers should come from your kids because they understand WHY the answer is no. Assuming of course they are old enough to speak ;-)
Liz says
Part of the reason for the obesity epidemic is that people eat when they are not hungry. If someone offers food, why would you accept unless you were hungry and wanted to eat what was being offered? We need to stop viewing food as love in our society. On a similar note, "no" means "no" and we are entering dangerous territory when we teach our children to comply "just to be polite". A simple "No thank you, I"m not hungry right now" should suffice.
Jasmyn says
I must add though, that I sure did say NO THANK YOU, when my nana (my grandma) once tried to give my then two year pepsi in a sippy cup! There are, of course limits! If it had been juice or perrier or something, then sure, why not. They sure don't get this stuff at home so once in a while....
Jasmyn says
I don't police my girls at all. When we are out they are free to pick and choose for themselves. They are only 3&4 but I trust their choices. My girls will usually pick a handful of chips (one at a time throughout the event) fruit, or veggies or things from a cheese tray here and there, have their meal and then cake if it's a birthday. My kids usually prefer to have a piece of fruit, a raw carrot or a piece of cheese to gorging on junk. They are at home with me through the day or are provide with a lunch from home when they go to school, they eat well probably 95% of the time with the remaining 5% being grandma or grandpa treats and special events. In the (canadian) school my children attend teachers peak in lunch bags and remove foods that are allergens (make sure there are no nuts or peanut butter) or are plainly pure junk. If a child's remaining lunch is not sufficient, the student's parent is then called. Junk food, even on birthdays, is not allowed and food sharing or swapping is strictly forbidden. I think this may be too harsh but at least I know just what they eat even while at school. Anyway, the point is that they eat very well most of the time. Most people that would be offering my kids food feel similarly to me or at least know where I stand and are pretty good at offering mildly crappy food and at least some healthy options to go along with it. I must also add that I do say things like "let kids be kids" because seriously, they don't care or understand why, they just hear no. I don't want junk food to take on the whole "forbidden fruit" thing that it likely would if I got all nervous and anxious every time we went out and packed food separate from the other guests and further made the other food appealing but forbidden. I know my kids will be teenagers and will have the ability to choose for themselves. I'm hoping they'll look at junk and think "whatever" and just move on to something healthy and delicious because they don't even need to think on it, they just want to.
Tracy says
I think I maybe got a little off-topic with my last response, and just wanted to add my recent real-world expierence with being polite vs. honoring your values: my mom and my three-year old niece were just here visiting, and every meal of every day, we faced this dilemma. My niece eats sugar with every meal, cheetos and doritos between meals, and drinks only juice or milk. Actually, I never saw her drink water during the entire 10 day stay. The only breakfast she would eat was cream of wheat with brown sugar, and she wouldn't eat any fruit other than watermelon. One morning, I made the requisite bowl of cream of wheat for her, and my mom looked truely alarmed when my niece was eating it, asking in a panicked voice, "did you put the sugar in it for her?!!?" Frustrated, I asked her, "if she's eating it, does it matter?" (I had put the sugar in it, actually), but clearly, this little girl never gets the opportunity to even try it without sugar- for fear that she may not like it!! What I want to say, is that a lot of friction was caused by my judgement of her eating habits and the percieved threat of changing them. I think it's important not to get too high up on your soapbox with people who don't understand or value real food. It may even be worth staying off the box alltogether, especially with family. The better route is to model the behavior and let others watch your kids enjoying good, healthy food. By the end of the visit, I just let it all go, and one of the last things my mom said to me, is that she was very inspired by all the good food we had during the visit and that she wants to start cooking again! Also, by the end, my niece had tried a few new things, and while my daughter did ingest some some doritos and juice, we're back on track now that those items aren't in the house any longer.
Emily S. says
We're still making a gradual progression toward healthier and healthier eating. I strive for balance. But the amount of pure crap that my children routinely come home with from school, church, friends and grandparents just floors me. I actually get a little bummed because I'm never the one that gets to offer the occasional ooey gooey DQ sundae because I know they've already had far too much access to garbage all day/week/month/year. Sigh. How about if, instead of using food to make an experience memorable, teachers and grandparents and others strove for a meaningful connection and sincere relationship?
Sarah Warren says
Sorry for all of the typos! Very passionate about this subject!
Jackie @Auburn Meadow Farm says
I read a quote recently that applies:
The only man who is really free is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse. ~Jules Renard
Two ideas come to mind as I read this. First, when you choose to be different, you shouldn't have to explain yourself, but you will. Don't lie, don't preach, don't get mad, no is all that is required.
Second, it would be nice if we'd stop questioning people and pushing our will on them. I have become acutely aware of how many times people press others for information or to push their ways on others that is decidedly inconsiderate. Pressing people about their work, their marital or child status, their diets, their whatever... I try really hard to not do this to others, and even then I sometimes fail...
I also tried to make the kids not see forbidden food as "forbidden". In my experience, the kids often recognize that this is a loaded issue and they may just lie and hide food... it gets especially hard in joint custody situations.
Jennifer says
Some of the things you used as an example for "pushing our will" on others can be considered small talk. In addition, often these are things that get discussed, at least superficially, when you are getting to know someone. You can't really know someone, and therefore have intimate relationships without being able to talk about them or you. Just because you have a discussion about a topic does not mean that you are pushing your will on them. In fact, I think that many people would be better off if they remember this. Conversation is not bad. Judgement can be.
Sarah Warren says
I believe you have to stick to your guns on this issue. If you are all over the map on this, then your kids will be too! If you are trying yo teach them what foods are nourishing to their bodies and which foods create dis-ease, then you need to be firm on it. You can prepare yummy desserts & treats for them. You can read labels and choose healthy options! I have come under pressure before, and crumbled because of family, but I no longer crumble! My kids' health and general well being is way more important to me than what ANYONE thinks of me as s mom or a person. What my kids' think of me being consistent and protecting them from the reactions that their bodies have to certain foods, and from just feeling yucky afterwards means more to Mr than other people's opinions of me ever will. Raising kids is not a popularity contest. That's not the way I choose to live my life, by going along with the herd mentality, and doing it just because everybody else is. You can't be all wishy-washtub while trying to teach your children values! How much is someone's opinion of you going to be worth to you if your kid(s) are not in good health (either now or down the line)? They are and always will be your kids! You want them to have a full, happy, healthy life! Do you think if you stick to your guns, and politely refuse franken-food, and it's not popular with the masses, that you would ever look back and say "Man, I sure wish that I would have appeased those people's feelings at the risk of my son's/daughter's health!"? No, but think about if your kid got sick from that junk- can you see yourself saying "Man, I wish that I would have stood firm in my beliefs to not let anyone feed my kid(s) that junk that got us to where we are now!" A regret that I never want to have, myself. Most of raising kids is consistency. As your kids age, you are likely to encounter many other situations where their friends are doing this, that, or the other, that you as their mom going against isn't popular. You need to evaluate what is important to you, as your job as their mom! Good luck!
Becky says
"No thank you" means "No thank you." It doesn't mean I need to explain myself. I grew up with a parent with severe food intolerance, so I guess I just picked up on it early, how to use an appropriate social grace to decline food and still enjoy the company of others. I've found that if I don't make a big deal about it, no one else does either. I was recently invited out to lunch with coworkers for a birthday celebration....at ChickFilA. I didn't want to decline, I would be upset if someone didn't want to come to my birthday. So I went and just socialized with everyone else. No one cared that I didn't eat. I had lunch at my desk later. No biggie. Now, all that said, I eat dinner with my 85 year old grandparents once a week. For them, I smile and eat what I am served. I personally feel I owe them that grace, and they mostly cook clean food as people did many years ago.
Laura says
I LOVE this post. This is something that I struggle with all the time. We eat primarily vegan with a huge focus on local, organic and in season foods. Our kids adore the food they eat and always ask for more, but they certainly wouldn't turn down a plate of processed sugary treats if given the opportunity. I have no issues with being polite and accepting one treat to save for after dinner (but we keep those very limited), BUT it irks me when people give food to my children without asking me first especially if it is something processed/full of sugar. I have, on occasion, told my children that we could go to the produce section (instead of the treat being offerred) and they could pick out any treat they would like from there! We're very fortunate, that they think being able to pick out some tropical fruit that we don't normally get is indeed, a treat.
Having lived in Europe for the last 4 years (and having never lived in North America with kids) I find the cultural patterns interesting. In France, they actually banned ketchup in school because the government was concerned that it was dulling the children's senses for tasting the flavours of REAL food and they took the measure to ensure that the strong food appreciation culture in France would be preserved. The schools have replaced the ketchup with...fresh TOMATOES!...I thought it was brilliant! That said, there is still room to improve the school menus here.
Jamie Rowe says
My 3 year old loves fruit and veggies, but she also loves sweets. I try to keep about 80% of our diet healthy. The other 20% is for parties, cook outs, play dates etc. I do limit the amount of sweets though. No giant piece of cake, just a small slice. No second servings. Most of my Mommy friends feel the same way so usually we all bring healthy treats to share. My in laws are the worst. They are super sweet but the whole family has food issues. They are over weight and diabetes, heart disease, and cacncer run rampant in their family. My 11 year old nephew is borderline obese, but yet is allowed 6 dinner rolls, pop, and piles of ranch when we go out to eat. They never make mean comments when I tell my daughter no more junk, but they will offer it to her over and over. They are getting better though by keeping a supply of fruit for her. Unlike my nephews who have a cabinet full of processed, junky foods at the grandparents house. I think in today age of easily found info, it is inexcusable that so many people are so ignorant about making healthy choices for their children (the majority of the time).
Mindy says
For me, it is easy to say no. I have a spice allergy. For my kids, it was hard at first. But, we have noticed that when my 7, 2 and 16 yr olds eats highly processed food they gets VERY sick shortly afterward. They start off with a huge sugar high (if it is sugary)and end with several trips to the bathroom including throwing up. They realize this is no fun and will generally turn it down now on their own in favor of our version of it. I do take our own food to outings and parties because of this. People are more shocked that my kids eat veggies and fruits then in the fact that I brought my own foods. They are simply amazed with my kids eating habits.
mandy says
we bring our own food everywhere, too. i just say my kids have food allergies. i've come to realize that is the only way some people can understand. and i think it technically can be considered allergies. their bodies have adverse reactions to the junk. we definitely use our manners about it, though! mindy, is your spice allergy to capsicum? i have that, and it closes my airway. i've just never met another person with that allergy.
Tracy says
I agree with the general thread of thought here- it's definately OK to say "no thank you" in an effort to live out your ideals and morals (and it also helps spread the word that kids DO ACTUALLY LIKE healthy food when people see your kids eating real food snacks), but it's also OK to be flexible with your children's diet (and your own, for that matter). In fact, I would say a pinch of moderation and flexibility is probably key to long-term success. If your children are never given the ability to make their own decisions (and face the consequences thereof), they really are being denied a learning opportunity. True, the consequences of poor food choices are not as immediate as say, the consequence of choosing not to pick up one's toys (the toys get taken away), but my three-year-old daughter sometimes chooses not to eat what's for dinner, so she learns (in a very direct way) what it feels like to go to bed hungry. Usually, this happens when new foods are introduced, and more often than not, she eventually ends up eating (and liking!) those very same foods she initially rejected. I'm convinced that the opportunity for her to make choices and live out the resulting consequences has given her a more natural relationship with food, rather than a parent-mediated encounter involving threats and denials. [By the way, "making her own choices" does not mean unlimited choice, but rather the decision to eat or not, or to eat more of one vegetable if she really doesn't like the other] I realize the daily bombardment of junk food is not as simple, because kids will almost always just choose to eat the junk food, but if they never get to try it, the allure will grow and grow. I simply have better luck when I don't turn eating choices into a big stand-off with my daughter (Believe me, I tried it!) One of the main reasons I started this real food diet is because she seemed to be hungry (literally) every 20 minutes when she was eating processed foods. Her body still craved the essential nutrients and as a result, she was always hungry! Now, I fill her up with as much good stuff as possible and then go from there. I don't have processed food/snacks at home but I don't stop her from eating a cupcake at a party or a piece of pizza when out with friends. Like others who have commented, at playdates or group settings, I just bring good food to share with everyone. She always ends up eating a bit of both the junk food and the whole/healthy foods she's familiar with from home. I think the best thing we can do is to give kids every opportunity to like, enjoy, and even crave, real food by cooking real food at home, talking about the benefits of whole foods, and being excited about- and innovative with- real food: cook with your kids! take them to the farmer's market and let them choose what looks good, watch cooking shows, grow a garden, tour a farm, read books about food and meals in other cultures,etc. I think that the combination of the parents'enthusiasm for cooking and food, the availbilty of real food at home, and their own bodily cravings for real nutrients will keep kids on track.
Mindy says
I COULD NOT AGREE MORE WITH YOU!!!!!!!!!
Trista Bytheway says
Of the comments I've read, this is the one I agree with the most; quite possiblly spot on! Educating our children and letting them choose, I think , is really all we can do. Growing up, we never had "sugar" cereal for no reason other than we couldn't afford it. And guess what? Once I moved out of the house I bought it as much as I could and ate it as often as I could. Depriving our children of something they want does nothing other than create an intense desire for it. But if we can educate them to make good choices on their own, then eventually this will become a moot point.
Liz says
I agree with you! If we eat healthfully most of the time, an occasional "treat" will not hurt. The last thing we want, is to be "snobs" with others, who may not be as "educated" health-wise. I like the idea of bringing a healthy snack to share. This might actually encourage the other parent to try healthy snacks too. AT the same time, we dont have to feel forced to eat bad food either. There is definitely a balance. Kids can taught to eat well, but we dont want them to feel resentful of the fact that they cant have a treat once in a while...because that will have the opposite effect of what we're trying to do. (Last thing I want is for my child to grow up and move and out feel relief that he can finally eat crap in peace! lol!) Teaching them to make good choices, teaching them that they can say no politely, and teaching them that they can "choose" a treat now and then, is totally ok. Making the treat a rare thing is key.
Michelle says
Absolutely!
Ellen says
excellent approach and what I aspire to with my own kids. I'm sorta a sweet tooth, unfortunately.. so my son said to me just today, why is it that kids like candy. then they become adults and say "NO CANDY!!! " To their own kids!" It started a great conversation, one which my 10, 6 and 4 year olds could all totally appreciate.
Mary says
I can't wait for the discussion on "French mds eat everything" . As one who was partially raised in France, is married to a French and spends quite a bit of time there, I am surprised by the over glorification of the French in that book (and by Americans generally). French kids do eat a lot of junk and unhealthy food, as do the French adults.
Stacy says
YES! THANK YOU! I live just over the border in Switzerland and PUH-LEEZE about French people/children not eating junk food! And there not being fat women/men/children? Of course there are! And also in Switzerland, Germany, Italy, Spain, Portugal... I mean come on. There is McDonald's and plenty of Europeans inside gobbling it up. Do Western Europeans have the same obesity epidemic as the United States - No, at least not yet! But do kids eat candy, french fries, pizza ... of course! In Switzerland High Fructose Corn Syrup is banned, so everything is just filled with sugar. It might be marginally better.. I guess? But of course there are artificial dyes, preservatives, etc. In FACT, I was in France just 4 days ago and was so excited when I went into a Casino Supermarket and saw a massive array of British and U.S. food items! Like, JIF peanut butter, Duncan Hines frosting, and Cadbury's chocolate. I quickly became dismayed after reading package after package and realizing it was all just utter crap. All that nostalgia - poof! I didn't want to eat any of it. I ended up with a 5 ingredient jar of lemon curd.
Anyways I am just so aggravated with people are like OMG EUROPEANS ARE SO PERFECT AND AWESOME AND EVERYONE IS SO FABULOUS, and it does nothing but speed false information and make others feel bad about themselves. /end rant...
If you don't want to eat something, for whatever reason, just politely decline. If someone's feelings get hurt then perhaps you shouldn't be around people who don't respect a polite no....
Nissa says
I think a simple "no, thank you" is all that is needed. My childrens' health and happiness is my top priority, so I don't think I should feel bad about turning down something that is riddled with toxic chemicals and dyes. I just don't get the mindset of "let kids be kids"=feeding them junky non-food items.
happymomsusan says
i think it depends. having a "we don't take food from strangers" rule can go a long way to simplifying the discussion.
while we need to teach our kids the importance of eating real foods, we also need to teach them the importance of kindness. when a neighbor or relative bakes a from-scratch treat and offers it to our children, the kindest response to to graciously accept what we are offered and eat a token amount. when we are guests in the home of another, good manners dictates that we accept what we are offered.
as a hostess, i do my darndest to accommodate the multiple food requirements of all my guests. at a single dinner party (thanksgiving for 20, i had to accommodate gluten free, dairy free, onion free, vegetarian, paleo, diabetic, salt-free, organic, sugar-free, raw, and garlic-free requests. that's enough to make your head spin. imagine my dismay when a guest brought her own food "just in case she didn't like my cooking." (this was after several email exchanges to verify her dietary restrictions of the moment).
i don't want to raise my children to be like that guest, and that means i have to teach them better.
i understand health restrictions. i'm not suggesting that we ingest foods where one single bite can send us to the emergency room. i am suggesting that we apply some common kindness when we are guests.
Reanna says
This is a good topic to discuss/debate. We grew up without junk food because there was not room for it in the budget and it wasn't really necessary. I find myself maintaining the same philospophy in my food purchases, allergy issues aside.
I think there are two parts to this, though. First, where you live seems to be a factor. I am in the eastern part of Washington state. I've notices many plances have candy bowls in the reception areas but nobody actually activly offers the goodies. That makes a big difference. It puts the control in your hands, where it belongs. Second, education and open dialogue with your children is key. I probably have one of the few 14 year old boys who is absolutely disgusted by HFCS and natural flavors. He refuses to eat stuff with those two things in them. Why? Because we talk about stuff.
We discuss politics - he was the only kid in his kindergarten class who knew who the presidential candidates where in 2000. We talk about sex, alcohol, drugs, violence, trust - we lost a cousin to a brutal murder four years ago. We talk about corruput politicians - he watched All the President's Men with me and had tons of questions. We talk about corporations, oversea factories, exploitation of people, the rich and the poor. Yes, he's a teenager now but we've always discussed this stuff in age and understandably appropriate manners.
I have never suscribed to cable TV and those awful stations geared towards children. The best thing parents can do is get rid of those influences. Talk about inundating your kid with piles of crap. The "food" commercials are horrible! But he knows that if it is advertised on TV it's probably not really food and he shouldn't eat it. :) I think that because I never catered to this kid-centered philosophy he was more interested in what was going on around him and listened to what people were talking about. I have no problems saying "no thanks!", and I have a tree nut allergy to fall back upon. Because of our openness and honesty in my family I know my son has no problem say "no, thanks!" too, but he usually explains why and that's more or less what we need to work on. He's a tad more blunt. :) (Did you know that has stuff in it that came out of a beaver's butt - hell no I don't want any of that!). He-he.
Also, we read Michael Pollan's Food Rules together and he loves it. I borrowed it from the library but I plan to buy my own copy to have as a coffee table book. That way, anybody visiting is free to look at it and you never know - they may take home some knowledge and make a change! Meanwhile, stick to your guns and do what's best for you and your family.
R
Jennie says
I think the best part about this topic is the number of kids (including mine) who don't just accept offered food, but look to their parents for the answer. How great is that? My kid knows I have low opinions about junk food etc. and is willing to honor that, most of the time.
If I've accomplished anything, having him think twice about eating food that isn't healthy is a Great thing.
Alecia@tincantreader says
This has been a recent problem for me. If it's only occasional, I really don't mind my kids having some processed junk food. Lately, every time my kids come back home from playing with the neighbors they have some kind of candy with them. After the neighbor boy had a birthday party, they were coming home with left over goody bags FULL of candy multiple times a day! I finally had to come down on my kids about it, and threaten punishment if they came back with anymore candy. What's difficult for me is that I'm not there when the junk is being offered.
Aggie says
I have a bit of a different perspective, because my daughter has several food allergies, but I think both our goals are the same, to keep our kids healthy. I simply say no thank you and if they offer again (and people almost always do) I simply repeat myself. We have had several discussions at home about what is good for her and what isn't so she will even answer for herself now when I'm not available. What it comes down to, is that it's up to you what goes into your children's body. Is it uncomfortable sometimes, YES. As your children grow they are going to be in the position of having to decline and it's up to us to show them to either keep quiet and go with the flow or to stick up for what they believe in and say "no thanks" even if it might be awkward.
Jen says
I'm sure it's harder when children are young but I say stand your ground. I feel no guilt when my 9 year old politely turns down hot dogs or other junk offered to her. She has learned through my example and doesn't want it. Once kids get out of the attachment to junk food they won't want it either. They will get more enjoyment out of eating foods that they helped make. There is nothing we deprive ourselves of including the occasional treats like candy etc. If we can't make it, we buy from someone who did, not a factory.
I will not apologize for eating healthy and being concerned about mine or my family's health, nor will I give in to peer pressure from anyone else. We don't eat 100% clean but we choose wisely. We eat this way because we want to, just like others choose to eat processed foods.
Bike_Mom says
Thanks, Molly, Valarie, Vikie, and so many others for your insight! So good to see other moms so concerned about their kids well-being.
This is something I have really be struggling with; hence the reason I am following this blog. When my son was born, we ate very healthy. Snacks were fruits, veggies, etc. Over the past 10 years, I have watched the slow erosion of my influence on my son. The "polite" peer pressure to provide trendy school snacks seems like a small thing, but coupled with peer pressure to "fit in" creates a slippery slope. If I had nickel for every kid that came to my house and said, "I don't like vegetables." well.... let's just say I wouldn't have to worry about the college fund. I have to admit I have succumbed to the pressure to provide junk food for my son's friends.
The point is:
I agree there needs to be balance. More important than the food itself is the process of teaching our kids how to make choices.
It should be OK and I think it is important for our kids to observe us politely say "No, thank you." to things that don't mesh with our values and lifestyle. I wish that I had done it more often over the past few years.
On a side note, I try to send healthy food for school snacks. Some teachers seem really put out to have to give out grapes cut in small clusters or cherry tomatoes, possibly because it's just not the norm. The more we are willing to assert a whole foods culture, the more it will become acceptable.
"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed people can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has." - Margaret Mead.
Karla Porter Archer says
We dealt with this early on with our children and gave them the words to feel comfortable with declining something.
Our kid's preschool 'tolerated', with eye-rolled amusement, our homemade popsicle we brought for our children on the days the ice cream man made visits (which irritated me that they did that in the first place, but that's another rant... ;)
Bike_Mom says
I know what you mean. Even with all the awareness initiatives, the schools only give healthful eating lip service. We've had some really great teachers who encourage healthy eating and lifestyles, but we've also had some that haven't a clue.
Kudos to you for being proactive!
Jean says
Are you serious?!?! The ice cream man visited the school! Reading this and other posts have made me want to homeschool when my kids are old enough for school.
Makenzie Verbout @ Mak & Cheese says
From a vegetarian's perspective...this is interesting. I found that before I became vegetarian (when I didn't eat a whole lot of meat to begin with and was pretty picky about the meat I did eat) I did feel obligated to eat meat when offered even if I didn't want to eat it. Like you say I didn't have an allergy, medical reason, or "official" excuse to say no. To me, it seems it became easier to refuse once I was officially vegetarian. I think to a certain extent it's because it sends a message to the person offering the meat "This isn't about you or your meat not being good enough" and the focus is on a decision I've made about consuming all meat which has nothing to do with them.
I definitely agree that you should be able to politely say no to anything. If someone came to my house for dinner and they refused one portion of the meal I can't imagine that I would be offended. But, to play devil's advocate I think the processed thing might come off differently than vegetarianism because you aren't saying "Sorry, we don't eat cookies at all." When you say no thank you because of the particular ingredients I can see how someone might get the message "Your cookies and the ingredients in them just aren't up to our standards" which has potential to offend. So to the point above, it might take just articulating the reason behind it when politely refusing, "Those cookies look delicious, thanks so much for offering. Unfortunately, due to dietary concerns we try to limit our girls intake of [ingredient X]." (That's not a lie. You are concerned about their diet. It is a "dietary concern" and sounds pretty official.)
Also, I think "in this day and age" with so many varying eating habits - vegetarian, vegan, gluten-free, dairy-free, etc. - it will slowly become more acceptable to politely refuse food in a social, family, etc. setting.
Lisa says
This is such a hard one. My child is allergic to wheat and nuts and one of the very few perks of this is he cannot eat a good majority of processed junk food. He has never had fast food. My family feels like its sad that he cannot have those things so they go out of thier way to get him safe treats(still junky and filled with sugar, just gluten and nut free) and it is so frustrating for my hubby and I. No matter how much we try to explain that yes he will laugh and smile when you offer gummy bears, but he will literally squeal with glee and jump up and down if you hand him a plum or peach... they just dont get it. Its been hard to modify our food (we dont have any of his allergens in our home) but it has been worth it to see that I have a child that loves every fruit he has ever tried, loves fine cheeses, loves oatmeal with honey. When I head for the kitchen hes at the door whining for fruit, not junk. I would never have believed it had we not seen it with our own eyes. Protecting his body from his allergens ( and junk and a result of that) has created a child who loves healthy food
Candace says
Please don't pretend you have allergies instead of just saying no. Food allergies can result in a life threatening reaction where the person can die within 20 minutes without treatment. If dyes or sugar affect your children's behavior, then explain that if you will, don't pretend a food allergy. One bite can kill my child whereas one bite may make yours have an awful day. Don't confuse the information to the 'unaware public' please!
I get incensed with the amount of candy offered in school by the teachers; and the class parties where everyone brings cookies or cupcakes or donuts; the birthday parties where pizza is served before the cake and ice cream. Too many snacks for our kids!!!
I have one child with multiple food allergies and one without. I politely say no to the snacks at the bank, hairdresser, samples in stores etc. I feed my kids before the party so they can refuse the pizza and be thrilled with modest birthday cake. (Except for my food allergy child, I bring his special treats along.)
A simple "no thanks" is enough, no explanations required.
I feel sorry for those with relatives who push junk food on the children. Would it be possible to provide meals or snacks and keep the children away during mealtimes?
LessSugarNaturally says
A few weeks ago a relative of mine was trying to convince me/couldn't understand why my daughter and I couldn't just have one piece of the amazing pink velvet cake she got from a top notch bakery. I tried explaining that it really didn't bother us but I could tell it was really awkward when everyone was sitting there chowing down and we weren't.
She asked what I would do if we were invited to someone house for dessert (non-relative) and couldn't believe I would still just refuse. (Bad manners I guess?). I used the same vegetarian example. Would you force a vegetarian to eat just one little piece of scrumptious meat?
People don't have a clue just how immoral and bad our food supply is. When we learn what is in processed foods (or the effects of oversugarization) we feel disgusted by that food. I really feel for their ignorance.
Anyways, I heard a new term yesterday. I told my daughter we are "Healthatarians".
I do let my kids make their own decisions though as to wether to accept something or not. It's a good barometer of what we need to work on. I will put a halt on the amount though.
When it comes to kids education is key. I can't really comment on little kids because I started healthy eating late in the game, and my specialty is teenagers. Educating them about better and great choices, googling weird ingredients, learning about genetically engineered foods, baking and providing great treats for them at home, not wavering in your own food beliefs is what will make older kids turn down junk food.
When visiting others we try not to make a big deal. I always volunteer to make dessert and/or bring some snack foods (I'm posting a review on that tomorrow). Then we make the best of it knowing that we make the best of it at home all the time. That's what I always tell them. Just do your best.
Now I have one teenager who won't eat junk food and one who still loves it, but is sloooooly starting to get it.
Bike_Mom says
I would add, would they offer that piece of pink velvet cake to someone who was diabetic? There's an element in our culture that disregards the importance of manners for the host. When having company, I make sure I plan my menu to include options for the vegetarians in our life.
Kristy says
I just had this struggle yesterday. My mom watched my youngest (1.5 years old) for the day. She came home with a happy meal toy, a box of fruit snacks, and FIVE full-sized candy bars. Seriously. She is one year old! I understand the grandma mentality, but leave it at baking cookies together, for crying out loud. Needless to say, the candy and fruit snacks went in the trash, and I am dealing with a highly emotional, moody toddler today. There is no polite way to get through to my mom, it seems. She lives on a processed food diet and thinks all kids deserve a twinkie, every day. It's a miracle I survived THAT childhood.
amy Mosca says
Simply say "no thank you" and move on. No drama, no long story that can be taken as an attack or judgement. Your husband is right Lisa. Stick to your mission, your dream and goals. Your family embraces it, don't let society force you to do something (eat something) that you don't stand for. eating whole foods is apart of your idenity. There is no shame in that. so feel good about your hard work. Its tough being a leader :-)
Jacqueline says
I have strong opinions about this topic, but I should preface this to say that I don’t have kids…and I’m sure I will have to adapt some to the added pressures when I do. However, personally I believe it all boils down to personal choice. If you don’t want to say yes to someone’s offer of a particular food, be it meat or chips, you shouldn’t have to. But it’s never a clear cut decision, especially when you are at someone’s house for dinner. There will be times when appropriate to just take a little of what is given, but again I believe it’s a personal decision when to do this. I don’t, however, believe that we should sacrifice our own values when it comes to eating just to be polite. There is a respectful way to turn down food you don’t want to eat and I think others should respect that decision. If you think about it the other way around…while I share what I learn about food (mostly with family, never shoving down someone’s throat), I would never force someone or make someone feel bad about not eating, um let’s say, chia seeds. It should go both ways - mutual respect for one’s decision and for how they choose to feed their family. Unfortunately, this doesn’t always happen and isn’t always easy. I worked part-time in a factory-like environment and food was brought in often. Pizza, donuts, cake, cookies. I was beginning my real food journey and was very passionate about avoiding this type of food, because I knew that when I did eat it, I would feel horrible. Physically horrible, but also bad about myself for giving in to something I didn’t want due to pressure (bully type pressure, even) from others. Why should we have to feel pressured to eat processed foods when we make the huge (and extremely difficult and stressful) decision not to eat them? I think instead of just being polite (of course like I said, situations are not black and white), there should be more focus on being honest and standing by our choice just like someone that chooses to eat the cake or just take a sliver for moderation. And no one should have to feel judged for those choices. Why should I be made to feel bad or be treated as a “snob†for how I want to eat? Hopefully one day, the education about real food will spread enough to lessen the judgment over making choices you feel are right for yourself and your family. And I could go on and on about the comments I hear often to “just let kids be kidsâ€â€¦but I’ll just say I agree with the comment pointed out in the post. Kids can thrive, have fun, and feel happy and loved without processed donuts and soda. Treats are what you make them and they don’t have to be processed. So hopefully, as step down from my soapbox, I didn’t offend anyone. No judgment here. I just want to eat how I want to eat.
Jacqueline says
But I should say...if I'm a guest in someone's home or even at a special event, I will eat some of what is served. There is definitely a time and a place when it is more respectful to adjust your eating habits. The only houses I will bring my own food are those of my sisters and Mom...and they are okay with that, and even learning ways to eat better because of it.
Danyelle says
I think also it has a lot to do with age. My kids are 17 down to 3. We eat well at home and we pack good stuff ofr the pool but we do make treats. My kids are happy eating what we have and know they feel better but yes they do eat junk and I like Kim's approach in a day by day thing vs a clear cut answer. People know we eat like we do but I think they don't really realize how different it can be from what they eat. They look at my pantry and think it is empty because there are not concoctions but real foods, such as flour, oils, etc and maybe some crackers but not too many foods that are ready to eat.