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I am learning that being offered processed food when you’d rather avoid it is a hot topic. The other day on Facebook I asked, “What do you do when someone offers your children a treat that's likely full of artificial dyes/flavors, preservatives, and other chemicals?” I was floored at the range of answers….here are a few examples many of which are at opposite ends of the spectrum:
- “I think it is best to be gracious to people that don't eat like you and accept their food.”
- “I let my kids have them. I figure I have control over the majority of their food, so I'm not going to worry about the few times when I don't.”
- “Sorry this is crazy let kids be kids.”
- “I agree with many others who have said it's all about balance and moderation. We eat a whole food lifestyle on a daily basis...but, whenever there are special occasions, social events, etc., we just go with the flow and enjoy the company! :)”
- “If it is from a stranger like at a bank, we say ‘No thank you, we'll have a treat after lunch.’ or something else polite. If it is at a party, I feed my kids before we go so they can eat party food, but won't be so hungry that they eat a lot. If it's at a playdate, then we bring something healthy to share, usually a fresh fruit tray full of my kids favorites. They'll eat the junk too, but not as much.”
- “I am sort of surprised at some of the replies. This is a ‘real food’ page. Of course some are at different levels but to say things like ‘this is crazy. let kids be kids!’ -- I do not understand! I don’t think what kids eat define how great their child hood is or isn't?!?!”
- “Since when did ‘letting kids be kids’ have to mean filling them with processed, refined foods full of chemicals and additives?”
- “I go with the flow with a little when possible, but sometimes being polite means politely saying no thank you. I have to tell people no when artificial dyes and artificial sweeteners are involved. My mom raised me right and I know how to use my manners to say no thanks.”
- “If it's a meal, I'll sit down and eat. But if it's a snack, I have no problem saying no.”
Does the reason for saying "no" really matter?
I have so many thoughts based on the feedback around this topic. First of all, some readers have indicated that unless you have a true allergy or medical concern it’s not right to “break the rules” at a public place (i.e. by bringing your own food to avoid concession stands at an amusement park) or turn down junk food that others are offering you. For all those that feel this way…what’s your opinion about vegetarians? That’s not exactly a medical condition is it? It’s a choice. And a lot of times it’s a moral choice. So is it bad manners for a vegetarian to turn down meat when it is offered? I don’t see how that’s much different from my choice to not eat (or not give my kids) factory-made junk food.
Now, I don’t want to mislead anyone that I am picking sides here because most of the time I honestly don’t know what to do when my kids are being offered junk food. And I think that decision doesn’t come easy because there’s frankly no “right” or “wrong” answer. At what point does being polite need to override your personal morals and values (or vice versa)?
How do the French handle it?
There are a couple of quotes from the book French Kids Eat Everything that really stood out on this topic. I’ll do a more in-depth review of the book later, but for now how about this for food for thought:
“Nutrition and healthy eating habits, while important, don’t need to be the main focus. Rather, enjoying your food is the focus, and healthy eating habits are a happy by-product.”
“The French are not primarily concerned with policing their children’s food intake, or banning all ‘fake foods.’ Rather, their goal is to train their children to eat a balanced diet and to realize how much healthier they feel if they eat mostly ‘real food.’”
I’ve always said that I don’t want to teach my children to say “no” to highly processed junk food just because “mommy said so.” But teaching them to make good food choices all on their own is no easy task especially considering that (unlike the French) almost everywhere our kids turn they are faced with some sort of junk food whether it’s a birthday party, friend’s house, gas station, dessert menu, school event, T.V. commercial, billboard, mall food court, etc. In France it’s apparently “against the rules” for anyone to offer your kid food without your permission (especially in-between meals) so no wonder it’s so easy for them to not police anyone’s food intake. Regardless, I still think there’s a lot to be learned from their attitude.
Where do you draw the line?
I was listening to Michelle Obama talk about her “Let’s Move” program on NPR the other day and she made a valid point on this very topic. She believes that our kids shouldn't have to worry or obsess about nutrition when they leave the house. I wholeheartedly agree with that statement, but finding the right balance between the wholesome food you believe in and being “polite” to all the outside forces that seem to be working against you isn’t easy. Because let’s face it, as I’ve said before, it’s NOT just one cookie or one birthday party or one piece of candy. It’s never just one. Most kids are given junk food multiple times a week for all sorts of reasons including holidays, sports practice, dance class, church events, trips to the bank, celebrations at school, and birthday parties. Junk food is no longer reserved for truly rare and special occasions.
I may sound like I am all over the map here because the truth is I am. Where do you draw the line if you don’t want your children to be overly concerned about eating healthy while at the same time not compromising the values you desperately want to teach them? My husband thinks telling others “no” helps to spread the word that junk food isn’t always appropriate…how else are we going to influence a culture shift anyway? All I know is that I am constantly bouncing back and forth between telling my kids “no” and then giving in to the junk that’s being offered to them (and frankly that they want). But as stated above, I think one reader said it best, “Since when did ‘letting kids be kids’ have to mean filling them with processed, refined foods full of chemicals and additives?” So until the rest of America catches on to this idea how are you going to handle it?
Sashi says
I have not been blessed with children but I have a similar issue in regard to myself. A few months ago, anything that has been processed or refined started making me sick. Before that, I'd always thought I was eating healthy by choosing low-fat and avoiding hydrogenated oils amd HFCS. When such things started making me ill and I switched over to a 99% "real food" diet (I still drink diet soda but have cut way back), I realized how many foods where brought to me by outside forces such as friends, parties, etc. I started planning for these by bringing wholesome foods to potlucks, etc. and saying "No, thank you" when necessary. I try to not make a big deal out of it but end up getting pushed into explaining why and then having them get defensive over their choices of ingredients. I do not fault them in any way but it is my choice to pass since I really don't like being sick and I can't seem to get most to understand that.
Deb says
I just say "no thank you". I feel that response is perfectly polite, and I don't feel the need to give a reason. You feed your kid what you want, I'll feed mine what I want.
I think it shouldn't be as big of a deal as it is. I do have a few people get offended because I won't let my kids eat junk (like their's do). I think that comes from insecurity. I'm not going to feed my kids junk just to make someone else feel better about their poor choices. "No thank you" is my standard response.
Anne says
Lisa,
This is bold of you to bring up this topic. Many of us struggle with this and get caught in the awkward middle for exactly the reasons you outlined. I've done all of the above at various times -- politely said no thanks, let them have occasional treats because all the other kids were, and said no with detailed explanation to the adult involved because otherwise old ideas about this will never change. We keep in mind Unhealthy Truth's 80/20 rule and I do let them have treats, but I have to carefully watch for certain ingredients that seem to cause a disconcerting hives/rash. As you know, if research shows reason for concern, most reasonable parents will also be concerned. More schools and community groups should catch up with the latest information and get more sensitive to this.
Tara says
I would also say that a simple, "no thank you" would more than suffice. Those of us who do not eat 100% whole/raw/vegetarian/vegan/paleo/whatever really don't want to be "educated" on the benefits and why what we're feeding our kids will kill them.
A Bit of Brooklyn says
A friend of mine is vegan. She is raising her child vegan. We've had them over, gone out to lunch, had snacks together in the park... never has it ever been a problem that they don't eat certain things. I'm surprised that this is such an issue-- many people these days have a restriction for either medical or personal reasons. There is nothing wrong with setting your limits. It is not rude to refuse food... then again, I live in Brooklyn, and most of the country probably thinks we're all rude over here :)
Angela, Herself says
Hello, just wanted to drop in to let you know I nominated your blog for the Versatile Bloggers Award.
You can see your nomination here:
http://angelaherself.blogspot.com/2012/07/exuding-versatility-versatile-blogger.html
Thanks.
K says
I've been on the receiving end of a fairly harsh "you KNOW my kids and I don't eat that kind of stuff" or "We won't be eating THAT. We brought our own food." To pointed questions about what food we'd be serving at our kid's birthday party. So not necessary! We eat well most of the time, but we eat some processed sugar loaded things like birthday cake (with yummy homemade icing) and serve lemonade from a mix when serving 30+ people at a party after a long work day. If you want to control that much of your kids' diet, then don't accept the invitation.
Funny thing was, I didn't tell that parent that their kid DEVOURED more candy than the other kids that have more access to it. Literally horded it and sat in a corner and gorged on it. Perhaps they hadn't gotten around to teaching moderation......
Trish says
It's really sad that you take so much pleasure in the idea that a child would make a bad choice despite his/her parent's good intentions and guidance. We're all just trying to do the best for our kids by helping them have healthy, strong bodies and to know the difference between real food and junk. I would hope that you and others would be more supportive of those efforts.
Jan says
My children were raised on mostly 'whole foods' which was the phrase of the 70's/80's which meant 'in its most natural state'. We belonged to a food cooperative, and they were accustomed to helping me decide what foods to order. They would help with the division of the bulk foods, bagging, and bringing it all home. They enjoyed helping make granola, whole-grain breads, and a special favorite was a peanut butter with honey candy rolled in sesame seeds. All three would go to birthday parties and participate in play dates, trick-or-treating, school and scout parties. They had their share of junk food on these occasions, but were mindful of what they ate and prepared at home because we spent a lot of time discussing nutrition. Now they are grown, have homes of their own, and all three eat very clean diets. I am very impressed with their food choices and the fact that they try to find the most natural source for their foods. I think that they would have felt deprived if they couldn't have had the birthday cupcake or the Girl Scout cookies. Having had them, and the better foods at home, they learned for themselves which foods were more nourishing and satisfying.
debbie says
Since when do we need to debate a simple "No thank you"? The only time that would be imploite is when you go on to expand why and it becomes a lecture or a commendation of others choices. You may not be hungary, you may have a food allergy, you may make the choice to eat healthy, you may be on a diet, what difference does it make? A simple no thank you works no matter what.
Sarah says
I agree with you...what do you think about this?!...I didn't even say no thank you...I just said she had something in her bag...I took my daughter (16 mo.) to the nursary at our church the other morning. We are new there, but I know that they serve snacks (goldfish, cookies, etc.) and a drink during the time she is in there. So...I prepared something for her. Triscuts and 3/4 water 1/4 apple juice (it isn't organic because our store doesn't carry that...yet...but it didn't have any added sugar...it was just juice). I asked the lady specifically to give her that at snack time. When I went to pick her up a different lady was there and said, "Man, she loved the cookies...I had to tell her no more since it was almost lunch time!" I picked up my little girl and she had wet cookie crumbles all over her mouth. It begins to feel overwhelming when you prepare a snack for your child (16 mo.) and she is given something ELSE!! She can't say no, she doesn't know any better!
Tamara Mannelly says
Agree, Debbie! No thank you means no thank you. No explanation is necessary. I feel I am always being quizzed about why or get the 'oh, you don't eat this bad food. you are so healthy' (said sarcastically) or 'a little sugar/hcfs/food dye whatever won't kill you'
Just NO THANK YOU!
Lisa says
I totally agree with Debbie. Why should one persons reason for the no thank you be more important or more acceptable than the other persons reason for a no thank you. Why is an allergy a more acceptable reason than a health conscience decision? (And I understand there IS a difference to some degree, just using an example) I wouldn't mind telling a friend or an aquaintance a brief reasoning ONCE, Like, "We choose to eat a certain type of food/diet that works well with our bodies and how we feel." If they got all hoity toity or even hurt, I would assure them I would never mean to make them feel that way, and I understand everyone can choose to feed their family as they see fit. well, this is how WE see fit. but if htey kept offering and I needed to say no, I dont know what I would do.. I would be tempted to say, "Remember how I told you we just choose not to eat that, something we are doing with our family, well, that still applies today." If I told a freind I had a severe allergy, they would rarely offer me that same food again, unless it honestly slipped their mind, which can happen, no one is perfect. And of course you do have the holier than thoughs who are just that way in all they aspects of life, not just food. Some people are just liek that no matter what they are doing. Well, shame on those people for giving others a bad name! lol
Charlee says
Thank you for posting this. My 7 year old son was diagnosed with high cholesterol this summer and I thought we ate healthy! We did use a lot of processed foods but we tried to be conscious but I guess we were not enough. That and my son's medical background and family history doesn't help. We ate whole grains and lots of fruits and things but I didn't realize how processed even these foods are until this all came down. Since June we had to truly evaluate what and how we eat and now we are eliminating more and more processed foods. We don't eat 100% real foods because I don't have time to do certain things with my job and my kids schedules but I would say we do 75% real food.
With that said we are beginning to face a new reality that not everyone eats like we do and what to do when he is faced with those foods. It was hard enough last year when he went to school and was teased for eating blueberries and celery by the kids eating free lunch at school and lunchables from home. Its even hard now during summer when the ice cream man visits and the neighbors kids come to my house with water bottles full of kool-aid and packs of cookies.
I have found for us right now that we have to offer the more processed foods when out at others houses. Like if we are invited to a dinner with a friend at thier house I feel like they cooked and invited us over so its a treat. I don't let my kids get candy and such at banks and doctors etc. we have our own types of treats here. Once a week we also go out for frozen yogurt which I know is processed but its something that helps my oldest stick to his diet.
When my son goes outside to play we have told our neighbors to please not offer my son snacks without asking me first they all have my phone number and can text me. We made our church aware of his dietary issues and they have been respectful of our wishes. We are facing the school coming up in a few weeks and I am not sure how that will go.
My son eats a low cholesterol,low fat, high produce, and high fiber diet and I know foods at school are not that way. I have armed him with a statement to make to his friends or other kids when they have commentary for him. He can say "My parents have me eating this way because its whats healthy and good for my body, not everyone eats the same but this is how we do it and it would be nice if you would respect my choices."
I am hoping that his saying this will help but I am afraid it will not. I know kids are not nice and in 2nd grade its going to be hard but we are preparing him to face it the fact that he has been teased before for his eating habits have toughened him up a bit.
But parents do have some tough things to face when choosing to feed the family healthy its been a hard 7 weeks and I know its not going to get easier but for our health its well worth it! Please keep the posts up they help me to plan meals, to make choices and to stand up for our way.
frozen fresh says
You need to look at Lisa's school lunches posts. I think you will find a lot of neat lunch ideas with foods that will help your son seem more normal to classmates than eating blueberries and celery yet stick to his special dietary needs.
Susan says
Charlee- Please do some further research before putting your child on such a strict diet! Our paranoia about cholesterol comes from Big Pharma and not necessarily good science! We have been brain washed! These years now in your child's life are crucial for having enough fat for his brain. His brain is growing and developing and fat is the thing he should be eating the most of! High cholesterol doesn't mean bad health! Watch the movie "fat head" and visit the WAPF website. Fat is not evil! Our brains are more than 65% fat and we need it every day!
Charlee says
His cholesterol is 228 which is even too high for an adult. I do use healthy fats like avocados, nuts, fish and meats and we cook with olive oil and such we just scaled back other fats like butter and things that are added to foods. We also use a fish oil and we serve flax. I am mindfull of his brain development and I understand the need for good fats its added fats in a lot of foods that surprised me! My lowering plan is mostly vegetables and fiber to help clear it out as best we can.
Lisa says
This may sound very silly, but bear with me! lol I just want to commend you on your answer! There is soooo much unneccesary 'snark' if you will on so many blogs with moms attacking other moms when the main point of the convo went over someone's head. Obvoiusly Susan was VERY well meaning in her statement, didn't even call you names! lol , and you did not jump to the comclusion that it was an attack on you and your 'ignorance' and you gave a lovely reply about how you knew what she was talking about and how you took care of it... And NO ONE called each other meany hateful butt Mommy in the mean time! lol Again, I just got off a blog where there is a 3 page ongoing battle over what to wash cloth diapers in and you wouldn't believe how these moms are talking to each other. I think their infants have taken over the keyboards or something! lol Again... just a long winded compliment to you both.
Trish says
Charlee - Susan is so right! Fat is not the problem. Good fats (milk and butter from grass fed cows, olive oil, nuts, all natural peanut butter, avocados, etc.) are exactly what a child needs during those important developmental years. Fruits and veggies are important but cutting too much fat can be detrimental to his health.
Carrie says
Do some research on how modern grain affects some people's cholesterol. We've been grain-free for 6 months and my husband's cholesterol issues are almost gone. Not much difference on my numbers, but I didn't have the issue to begin with. I still eat organic rice and corn once a week or so, but my husband is staying grain-free. Was hard at first, but totally easy now. Google whole30 for a place to start.
Jill says
I have no problem saying no for myself and I've explained to my kids that I am the gatekeeper at home. Luckily mine are older and understand food labels, and more importantly have experienced first hand how food that is not "clean eating" food affects them. They recently went on a mission trip and were at the mercy of the parish ladies to supply their meals. They came back with zits and bloated stomachs and various other ailments. Going "off the wagon" for a week provided the best lesson they could have learned! I explained it is similar to having a food allergy...if you know it's going to make you sick, saying no (when you have a choice) is way easier.
Melissa says
I just want to say that this is very interesting to me. I am finding your website to be a new favorite! I was a Pampered Chef consultant for several years, and many of their recipes are a combination of processed with fresh food. My thoughts are even more all over the place than yours! Having only started reading about all that you discuss, for a couple of months, coupled with a house full of teenagers and a husband who absolutely have NO interest in eating healthy, this is a real challenge. The paradigm is shifting, but I can't even make it happen just for me! I can spend an hour reading recipes and blogs, and preparing for a week of good meals, and then buy cheetos and a coke. Of course, this is becoming less and less, as I feel more guilty, but my family is much slower on the change. I just keep trying. Thanks for putting stuff out there!
Jennifer says
I'm not sure how I fall on this issue of what to do when others offer foods you wouldn't normally approve of. I do think this is a good time for us to share our kid's favorite clean eating snacks. I sometimes struggle with good ones to have on the go and would love some tips. I think the more we can take wholesome snacks with us (and shared with our kid's friends) the less we will have to encounter potentially awkward situations. Some easily portable and healthy snacks that come to mind for me are: blueberries, grapes, cheese sticks, baby carrots, etc. I would love to hear what else you all keep on hand for easy snacking for the kids. Are there any packaged products you like besides Larabars?
Elle says
Thank you for starting this conversation! I agree with many point you make in your point of view. If it is a snack, or "treat" people are offering my kids I just say no. if we are invited to a friends house for dinner we eat something light before we go and the kids can just eat whatever.
We we plan to go to amusement parks or travel I pack as much of our food as possible and at night we eat dinner out in restaurants. When I eat out I'm vegetarian or I'll find some fish to eat but never chicken or beef with hormones and I let the kids get the chicken fingers.
We are attending a wedding this weekend. We will eat before we go but we are not going to be rude and sit there and not eat like everyone else. I don't want to come off as holier than thou or superior but we eat really well 99% of the time. Thanks for starting this conversation I think I'll continue it with my readers in my corner of the web.
Keep up the good work!
Kimberly says
I am glad you asked this question and it is interesting to read everyones responses. We tend to have this problem with family, any suggestions? We have had some conversations on how we are trying to eat more whole foods but my mother in law believes there should be dessert after every meal and not just a special occasion.
Jerri Ann Mills says
Kimberly, I'm so glad you asked this questions. My MOL is the same.exact.way about desserts. I'm fine with having cookies or cake or pie, if it's homemade with whole food ingredients. However, she does not bake. She gets her sweets from the bakery at Wal-Mart. Help!
Amy says
Could you offer to provide the dessert and then bring something that you are comfortable with? I think a lot of people have the idea that eating this way is boring and feels like deprivation. A really good dessert might help to change that impression which would also help you in the long run.
Kimberly says
That is a great suggestion about bringing something I approve of. I will slowly integrate items.
Jerri Ann, I totally understand the store brought items. Its the snack cabinet that my kids are addicted to and it hold almost every little debbie item you could think of.
Glenda Childers says
My daughter has severe food allergies. When she was young (ages ago) I always called ahead to any party she went to. A simple ...
"Thanks so much for inviting Jenny to your party. She is looking forward to it. I was wondering if you could tell me what the menu is, so I can have Jenny bring the food she needs." People always appreciated it. They didn't want her not to have food to eat.
I don't see why this would be any different for your family.
Antoinette says
I have struggled with this a lot. I always bring my own food to playdates, parks and visits. I have snacks in the car always for times I am caught off guard. But there are times I have given in and I don't necessarily regret it, but I wish I hadn't. His first taste of chocolate was M&Ms provided at a 'Trail Mix' Playdate. Along with goldfish crackers, lucky charms, and fruit loops. Not like any trailmix I knew. So I didn't have the confidence to say no, nor the desire to deal with a disappointed 2 year old. I have gotten the reputation as 'that mom', and I am ok with it. I have always said, I will not always have control over what he eats, but I pray that with the standard I show him, when it comes time for him to make his own choices he will opt for the healthier foods.
With that said, I must admit that I wonder if I am sending him a double message when his 'treats' once a week involve a trip to the donut shop, frozen yogurt place or (until your last post) starbucks for a cookie.
Cady says
I don't know. Just like you, I guess.
The real pickle for our family is visiting our parents. They don't understand what we're doing and we don't want to offend them but it's always a full weekend of junky foods and sometimes we're (literally) sick of it by the end. I've taken to bringing food with me but it definitely feels rude.
Sarah says
Cady,
I agree. While we don't have children, my husband and I have a really tough time when we visit our relatives. We have completely changed our diet to almost all vegetarian and do not eat processed foods. I have developed severe food allergies since I have moved out of my parents home. Both my parents and his don't understand why we can't eat what we used to eat. Luckily, they were always very frugal, so bringing our own food doesn't feel that rude because they have done it in the past to save money for themselves. It is very hard for my husband to say no because he does not have an allergy to the food. I guess it's just about sticking to your beliefs, and that is very hard to do when people expect you to act a certain way, the way you used to be.
Lanette says
I think it's great there are so many moms(parents) that are struggling with this issue. The struggle is what brings about the overall culture change. I firmly believe that many of us don't know where we stand on the issue because different strategies work for different families and for individual kids. I say pick what makes you most comfortable and what will work for your family and stick to it. There are so many right answers in the discussion here, so find something that resonates for you and go with it. My 11 year old was taught to ask before he eats anything ever. I did not hide treats but he always had to ask. When he did ask I taught him about making healthy choices like " have you had any other treats today" or "have you had any fruit or milk or water." Now that we are trying to eliminate sugar and processed food and implement a whole food diet in our house we discuss the reason behind our choices, but they are similar to choices he has always made just better ones! When he is offered food that he does not like in a meal situation I have taught him to accept it graciously and just eat what he wants. This way he is not making someone cook special food for him. Most of the time he will make healthy choices in a "party" situation all on his own, going for the fruit and veggie tray. I also live by let them be kids rule when out....it's hard to teach and police all the time. The education has to happen at home and teach them to be life long healthy eaters. Here in the south he would just be the weird kid whose mom doesn't let him eat anything. Not so in other parts of the county, thus what works for us may not for others. So my short response is go with works for your family and your kids but never underestimate your child's ability to be taught to make healthy choices on his/her own.
Alisa says
First I want to say thank you for all the time, effort and energy you pour into everything you do to help others with the "Real Food" journey. Second, I think helping your children understand the why junk food is not preferred. It is just like every other teachable moment in life. At some point you do have to say "NO thank you" if there is no comfortable way to just leave it at that just explain your whole family limits how much processed food you consume. I think most people will respect that and not be offended. In the process your children will begin to learn how to politely handle saying "no thank you" when your not near by because they KNOW and understand why it is healthier to not eat those types of foods.
Wendy says
I totally struggle with this and I'm not even a mom, yet! :) My husband and I are having our first and have been more in tune with what the children around us are eating. We've had multiple discussions with family and friends and they all say, "It's all fine in moderation.", "They can have it on special occasions." and "It's just a one time treat." The problem is that special occasions and treats happen almost every day like you said! There's always a BBQ, birthday, wedding, trip to see grandpa (who thinks it's a fun treat to take them to McDonald's). There is no moderation. And in other's minds who don't quite grasp it yet, they think of treats as candy, cake, ice cream. They don't consider the sugar and preservatives in everyday "healthy" foods like bread, milk, yogurt, ketchup and deli meat. It's such a battle that I've decided to stop hanging out with others. JK. :) I've learned to be polite and say NTY.
Marnie says
Thank you for this post! It has recently become an issue in our family where we have discovered that my husband's family do not believe in or even respect our food values. They accuse us of denying our child a "normal" life by avoiding the coloured cupcakes at a party.
Through an elimination diet we have discovered that my daughter has horrible reactions to all artificial colours, most preservatives, salicylates (natural food chemicals) and amines. Thus to keep our life enjoyable and to make her feel good about herself we make most of our own food and keep her happy and healthy.
However we have been told that at family events when we refuse food we are offending the maker of the food. They don't live with my daughter in the proceeding 3 days to see how bad it can get.
I'm always uncertain whether just to politely refuse or whether to go further and explain myself. I find that either way I'm not respected.
It's a very painful topic for us right now and means that we are avoiding socialising with certain people because of it. I am enjoying reading the responses for some ideas with how to manage this.
Amanda A says
When No Thank You is not enough, and relatives feel offended, I add one more line only: She has allergies. Or, if they might try to argue about what is in the food: She has LOTS of allergies.
Wendy says
Wow. To think a "legit" answer doesn't even get you respect. What about those of us that just don't want to have our kids eat garbage?!?! It's an uphill battle.
TwoDiffSocks says
As a Nanny who worked for a French family in the Upper East Side, NYC...the mom kept tight control over her daughter's food. Real food ALL the time, a snack was allowed the year after i left. I took care of her from 1- 2 1/2 yrs old. The snack was a small box of raisin at 3pm. Breakfast at 9am, Lunch at 12 & Dinner at 7pm.
The mom flat out said to me; "We are French & eat real food..not American food."
I cant speak for anyone else--"no thank you" means no thank you.
Btw, both parents are thin as are both daughters; ages 5 & 1
TwoDiffSocks says
p.s. its all bout portion control. Any woman who is a size 0 before pregnant & remains a size 0 after birth.......portion control & real unprocessed food!
Karen says
When we go to visit my parents, they pull out Jif and white bread. We don't have either in our house, so my kids see this as a big treat, which tickles my parents. They have their little bonding moment, I roll my eyes, and we move on. I fought my MIL on things like this when the kids were littler. Sadly, she is no longer with us. Wish I could go back in time and cut her some slack.
Beth says
Karen - I think you make such an important point; relationships are far more important than food! Yes, in an ideal world everyone would respect our food choices, but letting an obsession with the food we consume affect important relationships isn't healthy for us either. Pick your battles and remember how short and precious life really is.
sandy says
This rings very loud & true for me.
I am vegan & encourage my child to be (for health reasons) but I never force it upon her. I hope she grows up and holds onto the benefits of choosing a plant-based diet, but I will never "not let her" have chicken nuggets etc at a party!
Jocelyn says
I am a committed vegetarian and have been for six years with no intention of returning to meat any time soon. I am very careful about what I put into my body for both moral and health reasons. I also have many trigger foods that induce migraine, so my diet is always a bit of an issue when I'm going to parties, out to restaurants, etc. I also try to eat a whole foods diet. With regards to meat, I have two caveats to my vegetarianism. One is that I will start eating meat again if I feel like my health is suffering because of lack of meat (I can't imagine this happening, but you never know). The second is that I won't refuse someone's hospitality if I would offend them by not eating meat. This rule is mostly for international travel, but I have also found it to be important here at home. I had lunch one day at the home of a dear family who raises cattle for a living, and I know I would insult their family and livelihood if I explained that I objected to eating meat on ethical grounds so I prepared myself to eat meat. Fortunately, they served a buffet-style meal that allowed me to skip the meat without anyone noticing. I guess what I'm saying is that some vegetarians and vegans I know, myself included, are willing to make exceptions if the other person would be offended. But I'm not willing to compromise just because. I've been able to have a lot of good conversations with people about the meat industry and the reasons I've chosen to become a vegetarian. I'm not judgmental, I just explain my though process and why I've made my choice. It usually ends up being a pleasant conversation.
Robin says
We politely say no thank you to processed treats. To those who say, "Let them be kids," (like at a birthday party) those foods destroy my son's chance of enjoying a get together with friends. He would spend he rest of the party alternating between bothering the others and being in time out. And he wouldn't be invited back.
A diet free of processed foods is what allows my son to enjoy his childhood.
So I protect him from them, discreetly and politely whenever possible, forcefully if I have to. The overwhelming majority are accepting and respectful of our choice. Most are impressed that a three-year-old can turn those things down without prompting. Some are easily offended- those are the ones who have a misplaced sense of rights- they think they have rights to give my child whatever they chose. That is their unfortunate misunderstanding.
jodi burgholder says
My son has several food sensitivities. While these are not allergies in the anaphalytic sense the do affect how he feels in a major way. These issues are fairly new to us and have caused a complete overhaul (for the better) in the way my whole family eats. I struggle with explaining these issues to people without going into too much detail. He can eat them (corn, wheat, and refined sugar) and will pay for it for 2 -3 days. If he chooses to say no, which he usually does because he knows how he will feel, it elminates him eating almost every food offered besides plain fruits and veggies. While my kids are all amazing eaters I know it is hard for him. You just never realize how much food is used for a "treat or reward" until you do have to limit them! We eat eat at home when ever possible and take lots of food for my kids and to share when we go anywhere. It is a lot of work sometimes but worth it to see my kids feel their best!
Amanda A says
This is basically what I was going to say. My children have ADHD, and the youngest was diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder. They also suffer from severe chronic constipation, which made it impossible for them to be fully toilet trained in time for kindergarten. All of this goes away when we eliminate artificial food additives. It's like I have different children. I have no trouble saying no thanks! And I am the mom who gives out my number to everyone in their class, so I can send an appropriate substitute for cupcakes or whatever.
Cynthia says
If we can't show our kids by example how to politely say "no" - then how in the world do we expect them to be able to say no to worse things like being offered cigarettes or drugs by their peers ? And - when someone is not used to eating junk food - like me -and then I give in and eat it just to make someone else feel better - guess what happens ? I get the stomach ache. Not them. Or I get the headache from the preservatives. I think it's harder on kids who DON'T have junk food regularly to then have it because their bodies have not adapted to it. Kids who eat it all the time are used to the weird things happening in their bodies.
Syhren says
I have two go-to excuses handy for whenever I am offered junk food. The first is, "I'm lactose intolerant." A lot of bad food is covered in cheese, so that one is pretty easy to deflect. Sometimes, though, I am offered a dairy-less treat, to which I reach into my arsenal and pull out, "Oh, I don't like that." I probably do, but frankly, I get tired of dealing with the usual looks I get by saying, "I don't eat overly processed food," or even worse, "I'm trying to watch what I eat." They try and make me feel like my food choices somehow ruin their day. It drives me crazy.
Wendy says
I think it makes people feel bad about themselves if you are showing restraint but they can't do the same. So, they push to get you to cave. A high five to themselves if they win. I try not to ever let that happen. :)
Donna says
Simple...we don't unless it's a very rare occasion and when we know snacks or food is offered that we don't eat...I pack it.
Chenay Schroeder says
Parenting in general means always having to battle upholding your vlaues with your children, no matter what they are. When they're young we worry about what it is they eat, what TV we let them watch, etc. And we have much more of a say. As our children get older, those things get harder. What religion they want to follow, not doing drugs or choosing friends that do drugs, etc.
There comes a point as a parent that we no longer can control what our children will choose to do. The important thing is to TEACH our children, and be their role models and guides in life. We are not "their keepers" who will always dictate exactly what they do.
When they are very young, it is so much easier to control what are children get to do. So it is imparative that during these early, impressionable years we set the foundation for later.
Ultimately, what you would want to happen is that when your child is presented with the situation, THEY choose the value you taught them. When offered the Happy Meal or potato chips they have already learned to say "No thank you". This is no different than if they were offered marajuana or heroin. You would want them to be able to have the foundation in that situation as well.
If eating clean is this important to you, then be your childs guide and teach them what is most important to you. They will have the foundation for later, to make those decisions on their own, when you're not there.
ISA says
I don't have a problem saying, "No, thank you!" when I am offered a one-time treat (no matter how frequently), but I do have difficulty when I am visiting family and staying with them for at least several days. It just seems to be no "polite" way to decline ALL of their meals, is there? What I've done so far is use excuses like "I have stomach issues [which I do] and have to be very careful what what I eat" or "I am doing a detox right now and have to be on a certain diet" and bring my own food to their house. However, I can see how the situation may get more complicated once I have children and they go spend several days or a week with their grandparents or cousins. I really struggle with that. Moreover, I come from a culture that places a very high emphasis on respecting and honoring people, especially if you are a guest in their house. I also really value building relationships with my and my husband's families--which involves spending extended time together and sharing meals. I really feel the tension brought up by this article and by Christ's commandment to LOVE God and people above all else. We certainly are called to love and care for the good of our families/children, but how do we love those who kindly and generously offer us food in their homes that is far from healthy?
Heidi says
Thank you for posting this. I struggle witht his ALL the time. I fail miserably when it comes to taking things from others. I am so strict at home only because I feel like I am constantly waging a war outside my home from junk. I do politely refuse things from strangers, carry dye-free substitues as much as posible, but am often allowing my kids to eat other things when they are at someone else's home and have even had to give in to pre-school teachers giving store-bought candy (seldom, but still do it). Often, my kids go next door to play with their friends and I feel like I can't police it. They are only 4 and 2. I am hoping I can educate them more to make good decisions as they get older, but now I feel at a loss as to how to always handle it. I know that some of my values are already sticking with my 4 year old, but that doesn't mean he won't binge on cheese puffs given the chance =) In fact, one of my fears is that they will go to the opposite end and only eat junk when they are given the chance if I don't allow it sometimes. Little kids do not like to be left out. For certain things (absolutely NO soda), I will lay down the law, but I also fear my neighbors thinking I am a snob and not inviting us over to cookouts, etc. Look forward to reading more ideas from others.
Charlotte says
I deal with this every time I visit my parents out of state. They eat the same way they did as I was growing up, only I can now see the problems with it! Lot's of processed food. If it's a meal, I wouldn't dare hurt their feelings by criticizing it. I just take small portions and eat slowly. If I really can't stomach something, well, everyone will just think I'm too full to finish! I'm not trying to be deceitful, but this is a way I can politely avoid eating as much processed food as possible, without causing any problems.
Dana says
I am wrestling with this topic, too. We eat whole foods at home and do not keep things around that are void of nutrition. When we are away from home, my 3 y.o. is offered a lot of things we don't normally eat. I agree with several other posts that a polite "No thank you" should suffice. I shouldn't have to explain why I'm declining the Capri Sun or Cheetos. I will usually turn down a juice box by saying, "No thanks. She has water and that's enough." I think it makes a small point without being preachy. I will let her have a small piece of cake at parties, but I am starting to turn down junk when it is not a "special event." Most people seem to view sharing food with kids as a nice, fun thing to do, but it gets overwhelming when it's constantly happening. I agree that it's not "just this one time." It's a random popsicle from the neighbor and fruit snacks from a mom friend, etc. Before I know it, she's had too much sugar in one day if I don't turn these things down. I want her to grow up to make good choices when she's away from home, but for now I see my job as a parent to make wise choices for her and explain my reasoning in order to help her thought process down the road.
Katie says
I don't have kids, but this is a very interesting topic to me. I keep thinking that if I were to say "No" and briefly explain why it is "junk", people I know would just think that I was being picky. Kind of like those commercials for corn syrup that say it is like regular sugar and it is no problem. I imagine people being like the person on the commercial and just saying "oh that's just a myth, grains are actually fine" etc. That is where it gets frustrating to me. Anyway, good thoughts all around :)
Wendy says
If they don't think you're being picky, then they think you're just nuts! I am pregnant with my first and I've been watching the kids around us. It's going to be a tough, tough road.
Molly says
Gosh, I feel like it's case by case for us. Where we are, who is offering it, what time of day, if there is an easy "excuse", someone you could tell the reason and it not offend them, etc. I also think that as children of course they are going to want the brightly colored, frankly delicious, candies and sweets, this dates back as old as time! I think with age though they can mature into good choices as well as what their taste buds are used to. I love certain things because it's what my grandma fixed or it brings a memory from childhood. I think we do the best we can as parents and while we definately need to say "no" at times, it's okay to let it slide as well. I agree with your husband, the more you cut it out and make it known, the more it might catch on. To me the balance is in finding the right ways to show others: to be an example vs preaching at them or sounding like you are looking down on them. I also am a FIRM believer that when someone hosts you in their home, you at least try what they are offering. I know for me, I never want someone not to invite us over because they are paranoid about what to cook. That being said, we like potlucks with friends where you at least bring a portion of the food (while still trying some of theirs). I think there are ways to get around it at times and other times when you might just find yourself caving in out of politeness or just a weakness seeing your children want something so badly. Every day is a new start, right?
Angee says
Don't let ANYBODY bully you EVER into feeding your kids junk food! You are making your childens health come first and
YOU ROCK!! WTG!!
Kristin says
I find it frustrating when I can't give my children the occasional homemade "treat", because they get junk food outside of the home. One of the best things about summer, is that I can mostly control my girls' food intake, which means healthy food throughout the week, limited whole food snacks and homemade dessert reserved for the weekends(sat/sun). So, when we went on a vacation this week, I let my girls get ice cream one day, but, that same day when my girls were offered ice pops, my husband quickly said no thank you. Reading this post has prompted me to get better at saying no thank you. I agree that many people have no idea what real/healthy food is. In the meantime, I will keep bringing healthy snacks to my kids' events in the hopes of setting a good example. If you offer kids healthy food they will eat it.