Can we please all agree to make this post a non-judgmental space today? Just like most other parents I am simply trying to do the best I can, and just like most parents – I do not claim to have all the answers. And as a result of some recent non-judgmental and constructive feedback from blog readers I’ve been doing some thinking…and my thoughts are this: I never want my daughters to have to worry about food (or anything for that matter).
People sometimes imply that allowing your children to have free rein on junk food means “letting your kid be a kid,” but in reality I think they are confusing “eating junk food” with the happy-go-lucky, carefree feeling we often see in children. And in my opinion there are many ways to achieve that bliss, which I can assure you, is not only from junk food.
But I am the first to admit it’s not easy to constantly find that fine line between standing up for what you believe in (nourishing my children with the healthiest foods on the planet!) and also not being too uptight. Whether we like it or not, there is a social aspect to junk food. I tell my husband all the time “we’ve been there done that” …therefore I don’t care if I never again chow down on a Little Debbie Snack, a box of Nerds, or a Push Up (really, I don’t). But my children have not had the same experiences as me and no matter how much they “understand” why those foods are unhealthy who can blame them for wanting to see what they are all about? They are literally surrounded by this stuff on a regular basis – just look at school lunch rooms, TV commercials, and even check-out lines at the store.
The Feedback I Couldn’t Ignore
Aside from our 100-day pledge (which ended in 2010) we have never been fully restrictive on what our girls can and can’t eat. We certainly eat almost all “real food” at home, but now that our pledge is over our children indulge in processed “treats” at birthday parties, school celebrations, friend’s houses, etc. I certainly wish they weren’t offered junk food at so many events, but this is reality and I try not to stress about it (although I have become more involved at their school in hopes of continuing to see positive changes there). We also usually offer our girls a “once a week treat,” which is pretty much the only time we eat any big sweets (other than a super dark chocolate square), but more often than not they have junk food elsewhere so others were almost always beating me to the punch when it came treat time. This means our treats together as a family didn’t happen very often – or if they did my daughters would have to decide to forgo a treat that was being offered to them by someone else. Watching them make these decisions is what started bothering me deep down.
Then it just so happens that last weekend we had the chance to buy our kids their weekly treat, and by request we headed out for donuts (which I shared with this picture on Facebook). It was on that post where an interesting discussion started.
Although I can’t always sit down and read every single comment personally anymore – I do read a lot of them and value what our readers have to say. And I certainly did not overlook the comment from Erin that said, “Actually, excessive discussion of ‘good’ food and ‘bad’ food can play a large role on eating disorders.” Nor did I overlook the New York Times article that Marie shared that is entitled, “What’s Eating Our Kids? Fears About ‘Bad’ Foods.” Then (as if I didn’t already have my knickers in a twist enough) a kind reader emailed me personally and said:
“When I see your daughter questioning her food, I am encouraged by her awareness, but also concerned. I did the same thing, and my mom – who was also hyper-aware of food (and for good reason!) – encouraged this in me. I eventually become afraid of the food and restricted anything that wasn’t ‘healthy’ – until nothing was (at the same time I over-exercised, because exercise was healthy too). It all made sense – until it didn’t. I just encourage you, from the bottom of my heart, to be careful and aware and honest – but also leave some space for ‘food to be food’ – that’s become my mantra.” – 100 Days of Real Food Reader
Our Outlook Going Forward
I can truthfully tell you I have never even dabbled in eating disorders, although I (unfortunately) know many friends who have. Therefore I am no stranger to the subject and it’s of course not something I would ever want my daughters to struggle with. So literally right then and there I had a discussion with my husband and we agreed to make a slight change. As soon as my daughters came home from school I told my 2nd grader, “We’ve decided that you can eat the foods you are offered (within reason) when you are not at home, and they will not count as your ‘once a week treat.’ The weekly treats we will buy or make together as a family will happen no matter what. Mommy feeds you so much good, real food at home and that’s where you eat most of the time. You are such a healthy girl who is an excellent eater and also gets plenty of exercise so eating junk food at school or with friends once or twice a week could never erase that. Now eating cupcakes everyday (or twice a day) would not be a good thing, but a couple times a week is nothing for anyone to worry about.” And you know what, in the grand scheme of things – even though my daughters have their moments of course – they both really are super good eaters. They eat a wide variety of whole foods including lots of vegetables and are also fairly willing to try new things. So I wasn’t just talking the talk with her – even with highly processed junk food often feeling like my personal nemesis, I truly believe that eating it on occasion will not erase all that goodness.
And interestingly enough, even though my daughters have honestly never verbalized a complaint about our frequency of treats before, my 8-year-old seemed to really understand what I was telling her and even acted a little happy about this change. My kindergartner is still oblivious to quite a lot and frankly doesn’t even know what day it is half the time, so I spared her this “talk” because I didn’t think she’d even notice the difference at her age. But I do think what will go even further than this change is for me to (continue to) not act like the occasional junk food they eat is the end of the world (i.e. no guilt trip) while still educating them in a casual, non-threatening manner. I have also always been super careful about never criticizing my body in front of them, and I think that is another very important part of raising daughters with a healthy image as well. Now this parenting gig is something I am figuring out as I go (just like everyone else!) so we may continue to make adjustments as we move forward…but I can say that I do feel good about our renewed direction.
So today my 8-year-old came home from school and announced, “I had 3 oreos at lunch since it was a friend’s birthday.” Then she told me, “I read the ingredients, too.” And I said with a surprise, “Oh really, what did it say?” then with a laugh she said “I don’t remember.” Sounds like we are on the right track with having a carefree, worry-free kid who is slightly more aware than the others. :)
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Thanks for your candor and courage in sharing your heart. I agree, there should be no “good” foods and “bad” foods, as that can lead to disordered eating. So much of what’s considered “healthy” these days is really just socially acceptable disordered eating. I am still working on “food is food is food” myself; recovery is a long and messy process. I’m encouraged that you’re aware of these potential issues for your girls and glad that you’re well on your way to worry-free! (Another note, disordered eating is often a coping mechanism for a deeper issue, and is not just about the food.)
Good for you! I have had food issues and been over weight most of my adult life due to poor training as a child and having a mother who I call the “diet police”. Over eating and poor food choices was my way of rebelling (sad, I know). I wish I had known more about whole, real food as I was raising my own children but I did work hard not to make food an issue with them so they don’t struggle like I do.
My kids are grown now but I raised them on home cooked foods and packed their lunches every day. Since I didn’t have “junk” in the house, when they had school parties etc they were exposed to junk food and ate it like every other kid. They learned quickly that soda pop, fast food, and other junk items upset their stomachs and they quickly opted out on their own. We had a niece who was raised with many restrictions and recently passed away from anorexia at age 21. My kids grieve the loss of their cousin but have thanked me for raising them to make their own choices and they all have chosen healthy real foods on their own.
From one parent to another, we do the best we can with what we know. There is grace in that.
I love this reply.
I’m very glad to read this post…having followed this for a couple of years I’ve felt equally impressed and concerned. Most of what my kids get is healthy, but I don’t limit the number of treats, I just try to overload them with enough healthy food – home-raised meat, lots of fruits and veggies – that the other stuff isn’t as attractive. They always get dessert in their lunchboxes, always get a few chips. At least twice a week the dessert is recycled because they don’t eat it, so I can leave a pre-packaged little Debbie in for 2 or 3 days before they take a few bites (or eat the entire thing…I don’t care). I sent a few pieces of a Kit Kat candy bar yesterday and…my kids sold them to other kids for other kid’s snack money to buy leftover tiny plastic Easter bunnies with parachutes that the PTA had picked up to throw in the snack sale.
On the flip side of that (my kids go to a private school, with fewer than 200 kids 1st-8th, so these kids are together for years oftentimes) one of my kid’s best friend’s family has cultivated an extreme healthy eating regiment. Because I know the parents, I knew when their child asked for a cookie during a field trip a year ago that the treat would not be welcomed. I offered to call Mom to ask if the child could have one, but this 1st grader shrugged and told me not to bother. Not too long ago I found out another of my kids was giving his chips to this child every day, but when Mom is around all the kids agree wholeheartedly that most food makes them feel bad – the oldest is in fifth or sixth grade now and is beyond paranoid about everything that goes in her mouth and is bad for you. I know we are all just doing the best we can, and I don’t profess to know what is right or judge another parent’s choices, but I would far rather my kids have a fruit snack or little Debbie at lunch, turn around and eat a birthday cupcake, then come home and ask for broccoli because they love broccoli than have them sneaking food, agreeing with Mom because it is what she wants to hear. My kids are nine and under – I love that they are able to make healthy food choices and that it is actually their choice, not something I have imposed. Of course things change, and if it ever becomes a problem we’ll rethink it, but until then, we’ll continue to offer keep so many healthy options that they can’t miss them, and snacks and junk so that they understand that it’s about moderation, not elimination.
Amen! This is exactly what we do! I make my boys lunch & everything in it is homemade and organic. They also drink water with it. We cook every night. We don’t allow junk food in the house, except on Sunday Funday. Thats when the boys are allowed to get a treat which is usually ice cream or candy for after dinner. We eat out once a week & our boys are allowed to drink whatever they want (soda is one thing I will never allow in the house even on Sunday Funday so that’s when they know they can have it if they want it) as well as order whatever they want. We too agree that the more you make junk food the forbidden fruit, the more enticing & desirable it can become. By having a Funday, they don’t feel deprived & actually savor & enjoy it more. They do trick or treat as well as have Easter baskets with candy. In MY opinion, balance is key, not complete forbidance. You’re an AMAZING mom & doing an AMAZING job! Thank you for inspiring us!
It’s a struggle, and I get very annoyed with school, friends, and family that are constantly giving them junk, and ‘undermining’ my efforts. I take them out for donuts or ice-cream once per week, because I need to treat them too. They get treats in their lunch boxes, which are not homemade as often as I would like, but they are at least preservative free. They can purchase the treat of their choice on Friday at school — if they eat their veggies all week.
This brings up an interesting topic, thanks for sharing. We try to do healthy home cooked meals at home a majority of the time. Sometimes we tend to go out to eat more (once/week) sometimes less (maybe once/mo) just depending. We try not to turn people down based on food, and if we have a lot of special reasons to eat out in a row we try to choose healthier options at the restaurant. If we go to family/friend’s houses for parties or whatever, I try to bring a healthy dish like fruit or something, so that I know we have at least one healthy thing on our plate.
I struggle with how to teach my 5 y/o daughter to eat nutritious food that nourishes her body, without it becoming “an issue” that makes her feel bad. She looooves junk food & sweets, seriously she would eat it any chance she got, we just really don’t keep it at home, but def. accepts it from others if offered. Would love to know the best way to go about it, what do you all do? Do you just not even talk about it to them at this age? Just keep healthy foods in our house that way there isn’t the battle at home, & let it go outside of your home? The thing is, it turns in to being offered junk all the time, at gma’s, school, etc etc. I worry about it more than I should, but we are dealing w/health issues like reflux, enlarged tonsils, & frequent sickness that I wonder if food is part of the issue. She is already mostly off dairy. Sugar suppresses the immune system, so I hate to see her eating sugar-filled things.
It makes me angry really that this is even an issue that we have to deal with. Chemicals should never have been turned into “food” that people consume to begin with and I don’t think that we as a society should sit back and condone the corporations that sell the processed products that have become so commonplace in the US over the years.
Lisa,
You are doing a tremendous job setting a good foundation for your kids with the nourishing foods at home. Trust your kids. If they eat a lot of sugary stuff, they are going to have a stomach ache, or feel bad otherwise, so, while they may try it, they probably won’t choose those foods on a regular basis.
I agree with abolishing the “good” and “bad” label. Food is food. I do agree that some food has more nutritional value than others, but joy in eating is also necessary at times. It’s a personal choice.
If you are modeling for your kids: eat when you are hungry, until you are full, you are giving them a powerful tool. They may forgo the sugary snack that’s offered to them because they just don’t want it then, vs choosing it every time they can because it is ‘forbidden’ and this is the only time they’ll get a chance to try it.
Keep up the good work. Trust your kids. You are doing an amazing job!
I H ATE FOOD ISSUES! Dh and I are not exactly on the same page with food. He believes in the “clean your plate or else” philosophy and I believe in the “eat until satisfied” philosophy. It’s caused many arguments and tense meal times with the kids. Ultimately I think education is all we can hope for. (And food ideals seem to change on a regular basis.) I was raised eating Ding Dongs and Pepsi for breakfast, hot dogs and chips for lunch, and dead meat with canned veggies for dinner followed by whatever junk food I wanted the rest of the night! And *I* am the healthy one in the family! We raised our kids with RARE treats of candy or pop and now they are pretty much fast food junkies! With my grandkids I practice education. They are still learning what a “protein” a “starch” and “fats” are. They love junk food cereal with cow milk and they love steel cut oatmeal with almond milk! :) They love fruit and some veggies but they are willing to try almost anything in the food circus. They can cook for themselves pretty well and I am encouraged by this new generation in our family. Thank you for addressing this subject. It is important.
You inspire me. I am trying to eat healthier. I’m working to change my unhealthy relationship with food. I see so many posts about decadent recipes and want to try them all. Then I see your blog and I’m reminded how well I feel when I eat right. Thank you for your posts. There will always be critics. Follow what you think is right and let the perfect people start their own blogs. God bless.
Thank you so much for posting this. I appreciated your candor and, as our family has just begun to switch to real food, the exhortation not to be obsessive or cause anxiety about food. I also read the NYT article and some of the comments, and that was very helpful as well.
My daughter and husband (who have the same taste in everything) aren’t big into sweets, don’t overeat, already eat whole wheat bread, and are fine with other whole grain products, so in those areas the switch is not hard, thankfully. But there are a handful of processed food items they absolutely love that are very hard to make at home, and I don’t want to stress her out over those. I like the idea of 80/20, which I think will work well for us.
P.S. That picture of me and her is about 5 years old and I have no idea why it came up! LOL
Hi Lisa,
First of all, thank you for posting this. Your honesty and transparency here is really inspiring. I have something I would like to contribute to the conversation, and I hope you will receive it not as criticism but as a well-intentioned piece of advice .
Although I think you were taking a great first step, I really think you need to think deeper about the way that you qualified that statement your daughter. Saying that she was “allowed“ to eat food offered to her “within reason“ is taking away your daughters autonomy in making food choices for herself.
She is old enough now to make her own decisions about food, and she has enough education to know what food is nourishing for her, and what food is not. By adding those caveats, you are still enforcing the message that you are in control of what she eats, and that she must restrict her choices to what you would view as a reasonable amount.
Taking away her autonomy to make these food choices for herself, and only herself, has a very high likelihood of affecting her psychology. I think you should really take that into account going forward. A healthy body is a wonderful thing, eating real food will definitely help you get there. But it’s not the only thing in life, it’s not worth social isolation or the way that you value yourself, or the ability to make your own choices.
While I am trying to understand where you are coming from I honestly can’t. Sugar has the same impact on the brain as heroin. Even occasional access to sugar can lead to behavioral and neurochemical changes that resemble the effects of a substance of abuse. If you would not give your child unfettered access (or access at all) to substances that we know are addictive why would you do it for sugar?
I’m not here to give my children full autonomy. I’m here to educate and empower them. It’s why they have to sleep, do their school work, and wear pants and boots in the winter time no matter how much they want shorts and sandals.
Food should not be any different. It is our responsibility to teach our children what foods are beneficial for our bodies and what foods are not. How to eat in moderation. Just because that goes against the societal norms that have evolved rapidly over the last 40-50 years does not make them wrong or mean they are damaging. Yes, full-restriction is never a good thing and can lead to a host of long-term issues as she addresses. But unless you are willing to allow your child to have full autonomy in every aspect of their life, suggesting that a mother who does not allow complete autonomy in this one area of her young child’s life is disingenuous at best.
We try to teach our girls healthy eating. They actually prefer home cooked instead of eating out. They absolutely can’t stand McDonalds or Taco Bell or places like that. They are conscious of what they eat in the sense of is it a veggie or fruit? They are not huge junk food eaters although we do indulge in IN n Out from time to time and they do like chips sometimes. My daughters are extremely good eaters. They love fish, steaks, chicken. Honestly there really isn’t much they don’t eat. Their favorite vegetable is brusselsprouts. However I have seen how being too restrictive with food can be a down fall also. My sister in-law is paranoid about everything having to be organic, grassfed, non gmo, gluten free. You name it she is against it and my poor nieces are petrified of eating anything. They are the pickiest eaters. I just hope it doesn’t develop into an eating disorder.
Hi Lisa, There are all kinds of families out there. Mine is one ( similar to yours) where my daughters still ask permission on what they can eat and also how much. We talk about what is healthy, nourishing and good to eat. And then we educate them on treats, how much is ok, and why sugar and other un-natural ingredients may not good. They are old enough to remember a time they had too much candy and how it didn’t make them feel well which impacts their decisions on choices going forward. I guess my point is… as parents we play a role to help them make good choices and whether this is with food, choosing friends,or alcohol later on, we’re all in the drivers seat doing the best we can, Right? Thank you for sharing such person insights on your own family.
While I think that food education is important … and by “food education” I mean introducing your children to whole foods that taste good; I do NOT think that food restriction is important and it can be harmful, ignorant and small-minded. I am happy that you are allowing your children to use their own brain to make choices. It will also help them to be honest with you because they will understand that you will not penalize them for it. (For example, maybe I just won’t tell mom I had this Oreo so that I can still have a treat.) They are children afterall … instant gratification has a strong pull on even the most disciplined adult.
You talk about never mentioning body issues in front of your kids. I have heard this many times from many, many places. I can completely understand this philosophy and see how it helps. But I’m stuck in a situation where my body is really unhealthy (not just seemingly unhealthy – I have real health issues, including obesity), and it is a direct result of the food I have eaten for years. Do you think there is a way to communicate that my body is unhealthy without bordering on body image issues?
If you focus on wanting them, as well as yourself, to consume healthy foods in order to become healthier vs body shaming yourself in anyway, it should be just fine. I know it is a complicated issue but just focus on health. It is fine to say you want to be healthier just don’t frame it as needing to be thinner.
I think you’re doing a great job here. I especially love that you make the weekly treat a family event. So the family time spent together is part of the treat, not just the food. It’s very important to teach children about healthy food without making them fear or shun certain foods. The most important thing is teaching them to eat the foods that make them feel good and will give them the nutrients to grow. Also, the joy of childhood shouldn’t be linked to overprocessed and overpopularized foods. It should be linked to freedom (no paying bills!), long summer afternoons, and good health!
I’m really glad to read this. My 18 year old daughter struggles with anorexia. I know that there are many factors to that, but looking back I drew a lot of attention to the food we ate, amounts, things that are “bad”. We are now 2 years in recovery, but habits like this are hard to break for me. Occasionally I start to see my 14 year old hyper-vigilant with what she is eating and I cringe. Parenting is a learning process. No one does it perfect and our goal is to improve our skills for the sake of our kids.