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Can we please all agree to make this post a non-judgmental space today? Just like most other parents I am simply trying to do the best I can, and just like most parents – I do not claim to have all the answers. And as a result of some recent non-judgmental and constructive feedback from blog readers I’ve been doing some thinking…and my thoughts are this: I never want my daughters to have to worry about food (or anything for that matter).
People sometimes imply that allowing your children to have free rein on junk food means “letting your kid be a kid,” but in reality I think they are confusing “eating junk food” with the happy-go-lucky, carefree feeling we often see in children. And in my opinion there are many ways to achieve that bliss, which I can assure you, is not only from junk food.
But I am the first to admit it’s not easy to constantly find that fine line between standing up for what you believe in (nourishing my children with the healthiest foods on the planet!) and also not being too uptight. Whether we like it or not, there is a social aspect to junk food. I tell my husband all the time “we’ve been there done that” …therefore I don’t care if I never again chow down on a Little Debbie Snack, a box of Nerds, or a Push Up (really, I don’t). But my children have not had the same experiences as me and no matter how much they “understand” why those foods are unhealthy who can blame them for wanting to see what they are all about? They are literally surrounded by this stuff on a regular basis – just look at school lunch rooms, TV commercials, and even check-out lines at the store.
The Feedback I Couldn’t Ignore
Aside from our 100-day pledge (which ended in 2010) we have never been fully restrictive on what our girls can and can’t eat. We certainly eat almost all “real food” at home, but now that our pledge is over our children indulge in processed “treats” at birthday parties, school celebrations, friend’s houses, etc. I certainly wish they weren’t offered junk food at so many events, but this is reality and I try not to stress about it (although I have become more involved at their school in hopes of continuing to see positive changes there). We also usually offer our girls a “once a week treat,” which is pretty much the only time we eat any big sweets (other than a super dark chocolate square), but more often than not they have junk food elsewhere so others were almost always beating me to the punch when it came treat time. This means our treats together as a family didn’t happen very often – or if they did my daughters would have to decide to forgo a treat that was being offered to them by someone else. Watching them make these decisions is what started bothering me deep down.
Then it just so happens that last weekend we had the chance to buy our kids their weekly treat, and by request we headed out for donuts (which I shared with this picture on Facebook). It was on that post where an interesting discussion started.
Although I can’t always sit down and read every single comment personally anymore – I do read a lot of them and value what our readers have to say. And I certainly did not overlook the comment from Erin that said, “Actually, excessive discussion of ‘good’ food and ‘bad’ food can play a large role on eating disorders.” Nor did I overlook the New York Times article that Marie shared that is entitled, “What’s Eating Our Kids? Fears About ‘Bad’ Foods.” Then (as if I didn’t already have my knickers in a twist enough) a kind reader emailed me personally and said:
“When I see your daughter questioning her food, I am encouraged by her awareness, but also concerned. I did the same thing, and my mom – who was also hyper-aware of food (and for good reason!) – encouraged this in me. I eventually become afraid of the food and restricted anything that wasn’t ‘healthy’ – until nothing was (at the same time I over-exercised, because exercise was healthy too). It all made sense – until it didn’t. I just encourage you, from the bottom of my heart, to be careful and aware and honest – but also leave some space for ‘food to be food’ – that’s become my mantra.” – 100 Days of Real Food Reader
Our Outlook Going Forward
I can truthfully tell you I have never even dabbled in eating disorders, although I (unfortunately) know many friends who have. Therefore I am no stranger to the subject and it’s of course not something I would ever want my daughters to struggle with. So literally right then and there I had a discussion with my husband and we agreed to make a slight change. As soon as my daughters came home from school I told my 2nd grader, “We’ve decided that you can eat the foods you are offered (within reason) when you are not at home, and they will not count as your ‘once a week treat.’ The weekly treats we will buy or make together as a family will happen no matter what. Mommy feeds you so much good, real food at home and that’s where you eat most of the time. You are such a healthy girl who is an excellent eater and also gets plenty of exercise so eating junk food at school or with friends once or twice a week could never erase that. Now eating cupcakes everyday (or twice a day) would not be a good thing, but a couple times a week is nothing for anyone to worry about.” And you know what, in the grand scheme of things – even though my daughters have their moments of course – they both really are super good eaters. They eat a wide variety of whole foods including lots of vegetables and are also fairly willing to try new things. So I wasn’t just talking the talk with her – even with highly processed junk food often feeling like my personal nemesis, I truly believe that eating it on occasion will not erase all that goodness.
And interestingly enough, even though my daughters have honestly never verbalized a complaint about our frequency of treats before, my 8-year-old seemed to really understand what I was telling her and even acted a little happy about this change. My kindergartner is still oblivious to quite a lot and frankly doesn’t even know what day it is half the time, so I spared her this “talk” because I didn’t think she’d even notice the difference at her age. But I do think what will go even further than this change is for me to (continue to) not act like the occasional junk food they eat is the end of the world (i.e. no guilt trip) while still educating them in a casual, non-threatening manner. I have also always been super careful about never criticizing my body in front of them, and I think that is another very important part of raising daughters with a healthy image as well. Now this parenting gig is something I am figuring out as I go (just like everyone else!) so we may continue to make adjustments as we move forward…but I can say that I do feel good about our renewed direction.
So today my 8-year-old came home from school and announced, “I had 3 oreos at lunch since it was a friend’s birthday.” Then she told me, “I read the ingredients, too.” And I said with a surprise, “Oh really, what did it say?” then with a laugh she said “I don’t remember.” Sounds like we are on the right track with having a carefree, worry-free kid who is slightly more aware than the others. :)
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I’m very glad to read this post…having followed this for a couple of years I’ve felt equally impressed and concerned. Most of what my kids get is healthy, but I don’t limit the number of treats, I just try to overload them with enough healthy food – home-raised meat, lots of fruits and veggies – that the other stuff isn’t as attractive. They always get dessert in their lunchboxes, always get a few chips. At least twice a week the dessert is recycled because they don’t eat it, so I can leave a pre-packaged little Debbie in for 2 or 3 days before they take a few bites (or eat the entire thing…I don’t care). I sent a few pieces of a Kit Kat candy bar yesterday and…my kids sold them to other kids for other kid’s snack money to buy leftover tiny plastic Easter bunnies with parachutes that the PTA had picked up to throw in the snack sale.
On the flip side of that (my kids go to a private school, with fewer than 200 kids 1st-8th, so these kids are together for years oftentimes) one of my kid’s best friend’s family has cultivated an extreme healthy eating regiment. Because I know the parents, I knew when their child asked for a cookie during a field trip a year ago that the treat would not be welcomed. I offered to call Mom to ask if the child could have one, but this 1st grader shrugged and told me not to bother. Not too long ago I found out another of my kids was giving his chips to this child every day, but when Mom is around all the kids agree wholeheartedly that most food makes them feel bad – the oldest is in fifth or sixth grade now and is beyond paranoid about everything that goes in her mouth and is bad for you. I know we are all just doing the best we can, and I don’t profess to know what is right or judge another parent’s choices, but I would far rather my kids have a fruit snack or little Debbie at lunch, turn around and eat a birthday cupcake, then come home and ask for broccoli because they love broccoli than have them sneaking food, agreeing with Mom because it is what she wants to hear. My kids are nine and under – I love that they are able to make healthy food choices and that it is actually their choice, not something I have imposed. Of course things change, and if it ever becomes a problem we’ll rethink it, but until then, we’ll continue to offer keep so many healthy options that they can’t miss them, and snacks and junk so that they understand that it’s about moderation, not elimination.
Amen! This is exactly what we do! I make my boys lunch & everything in it is homemade and organic. They also drink water with it. We cook every night. We don’t allow junk food in the house, except on Sunday Funday. Thats when the boys are allowed to get a treat which is usually ice cream or candy for after dinner. We eat out once a week & our boys are allowed to drink whatever they want (soda is one thing I will never allow in the house even on Sunday Funday so that’s when they know they can have it if they want it) as well as order whatever they want. We too agree that the more you make junk food the forbidden fruit, the more enticing & desirable it can become. By having a Funday, they don’t feel deprived & actually savor & enjoy it more. They do trick or treat as well as have Easter baskets with candy. In MY opinion, balance is key, not complete forbidance. You’re an AMAZING mom & doing an AMAZING job! Thank you for inspiring us!
It’s a struggle, and I get very annoyed with school, friends, and family that are constantly giving them junk, and ‘undermining’ my efforts. I take them out for donuts or ice-cream once per week, because I need to treat them too. They get treats in their lunch boxes, which are not homemade as often as I would like, but they are at least preservative free. They can purchase the treat of their choice on Friday at school — if they eat their veggies all week.
This brings up an interesting topic, thanks for sharing. We try to do healthy home cooked meals at home a majority of the time. Sometimes we tend to go out to eat more (once/week) sometimes less (maybe once/mo) just depending. We try not to turn people down based on food, and if we have a lot of special reasons to eat out in a row we try to choose healthier options at the restaurant. If we go to family/friend’s houses for parties or whatever, I try to bring a healthy dish like fruit or something, so that I know we have at least one healthy thing on our plate.
I struggle with how to teach my 5 y/o daughter to eat nutritious food that nourishes her body, without it becoming “an issue” that makes her feel bad. She looooves junk food & sweets, seriously she would eat it any chance she got, we just really don’t keep it at home, but def. accepts it from others if offered. Would love to know the best way to go about it, what do you all do? Do you just not even talk about it to them at this age? Just keep healthy foods in our house that way there isn’t the battle at home, & let it go outside of your home? The thing is, it turns in to being offered junk all the time, at gma’s, school, etc etc. I worry about it more than I should, but we are dealing w/health issues like reflux, enlarged tonsils, & frequent sickness that I wonder if food is part of the issue. She is already mostly off dairy. Sugar suppresses the immune system, so I hate to see her eating sugar-filled things.
It makes me angry really that this is even an issue that we have to deal with. Chemicals should never have been turned into “food” that people consume to begin with and I don’t think that we as a society should sit back and condone the corporations that sell the processed products that have become so commonplace in the US over the years.
Lisa,
You are doing a tremendous job setting a good foundation for your kids with the nourishing foods at home. Trust your kids. If they eat a lot of sugary stuff, they are going to have a stomach ache, or feel bad otherwise, so, while they may try it, they probably won’t choose those foods on a regular basis.
I agree with abolishing the “good” and “bad” label. Food is food. I do agree that some food has more nutritional value than others, but joy in eating is also necessary at times. It’s a personal choice.
If you are modeling for your kids: eat when you are hungry, until you are full, you are giving them a powerful tool. They may forgo the sugary snack that’s offered to them because they just don’t want it then, vs choosing it every time they can because it is ‘forbidden’ and this is the only time they’ll get a chance to try it.
Keep up the good work. Trust your kids. You are doing an amazing job!
I H ATE FOOD ISSUES! Dh and I are not exactly on the same page with food. He believes in the “clean your plate or else” philosophy and I believe in the “eat until satisfied” philosophy. It’s caused many arguments and tense meal times with the kids. Ultimately I think education is all we can hope for. (And food ideals seem to change on a regular basis.) I was raised eating Ding Dongs and Pepsi for breakfast, hot dogs and chips for lunch, and dead meat with canned veggies for dinner followed by whatever junk food I wanted the rest of the night! And *I* am the healthy one in the family! We raised our kids with RARE treats of candy or pop and now they are pretty much fast food junkies! With my grandkids I practice education. They are still learning what a “protein” a “starch” and “fats” are. They love junk food cereal with cow milk and they love steel cut oatmeal with almond milk! :) They love fruit and some veggies but they are willing to try almost anything in the food circus. They can cook for themselves pretty well and I am encouraged by this new generation in our family. Thank you for addressing this subject. It is important.
You inspire me. I am trying to eat healthier. I’m working to change my unhealthy relationship with food. I see so many posts about decadent recipes and want to try them all. Then I see your blog and I’m reminded how well I feel when I eat right. Thank you for your posts. There will always be critics. Follow what you think is right and let the perfect people start their own blogs. God bless.