Can we please all agree to make this post a non-judgmental space today? Just like most other parents I am simply trying to do the best I can, and just like most parents—I do not claim to have all the answers. And as a result of some recent non-judgmental and constructive feedback from blog readers, I’ve been doing some thinking…and my thoughts are this: I never want my daughters to have to worry about food (or anything for that matter).
People sometimes imply that allowing your children to have free rein on junk food means “letting your kid be a kid,” but in reality I think they are confusing “eating junk food” with the happy-go-lucky, carefree feeling we often see in children. And in my opinion there are many ways to achieve that bliss, which I can assure you, is not only from junk food.
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But I am the first to admit it’s not easy to constantly find that fine line between standing up for what you believe in (nourishing my children with the healthiest foods on the planet!) and also not being too uptight. Whether we like it or not, there is a social aspect to junk food. I tell my husband all the time “we’ve been there done that” …therefore I don’t care if I never again chow down on a Little Debbie Snack, a box of Nerds, or a Push Up (really, I don’t). But my children have not had the same experiences as me and no matter how much they “understand” why those foods are unhealthy who can blame them for wanting to see what they are all about? They are literally surrounded by this stuff on a regular basis – just look at school lunch rooms, TV commercials, and even check-out lines at the store.
The Feedback I Couldn’t Ignore
Aside from our 100-day pledge (which ended in 2010) we have never been fully restrictive on what our girls can and can’t eat. We certainly eat almost all “real food” at home, but now that our pledge is over our children indulge in processed “treats” at birthday parties, school celebrations, friend’s houses, etc. I certainly wish they weren’t offered junk food at so many events, but this is reality and I try not to stress about it (although I have become more involved at their school in hopes of continuing to see positive changes there). We also usually offer our girls a “once a week treat,” which is pretty much the only time we eat any big sweets (other than a super dark chocolate square), but more often than not they have junk food elsewhere so others were almost always beating me to the punch when it came treat time. This means our treats together as a family didn’t happen very often—or if they did my daughters would have to decide to forgo a treat that was being offered to them by someone else. Watching them make these decisions is what started bothering me deep down.
Then it just so happens that last weekend we had the chance to buy our kids their weekly treat, and by request we headed out for donuts (which I shared with this picture on Facebook). It was on that post where an interesting discussion started.
Although I can’t always sit down and read every single comment personally anymore—I do read a lot of them and value what our readers have to say. And I certainly did not overlook the comment from Erin that said, “Actually, excessive discussion of ‘good’ food and ‘bad’ food can play a large role on eating disorders.” Nor did I overlook the New York Times article that Marie shared that is entitled, “What’s Eating Our Kids? Fears About ‘Bad’ Foods.” Then (as if I didn’t already have my knickers in a twist enough) a kind reader emailed me personally and said:
“When I see your daughter questioning her food, I am encouraged by her awareness, but also concerned. I did the same thing, and my mom—who was also hyper-aware of food (and for good reason!)—encouraged this in me. I eventually become afraid of the food and restricted anything that wasn’t ‘healthy’ —until nothing was (at the same time I over-exercised, because exercise was healthy too). It all made sense—until it didn’t. I just encourage you, from the bottom of my heart, to be careful and aware and honest—but also leave some space for ‘food to be food’—that’s become my mantra.” – 100 Days of Real Food Reader
Our Outlook Going Forward
I can truthfully tell you I have never even dabbled in eating disorders, although I (unfortunately) know many friends who have. Therefore I am no stranger to the subject and it’s of course not something I would ever want my daughters to struggle with. So literally right then and there I had a discussion with my husband and we agreed to make a slight change. As soon as my daughters came home from school I told my 2nd grader, “We’ve decided that you can eat the foods you are offered (within reason) when you are not at home, and they will not count as your ‘once a week treat.’ The weekly treats we will buy or make together as a family will happen no matter what. Mommy feeds you so much good, real food at home and that’s where you eat most of the time. You are such a healthy girl who is an excellent eater and also gets plenty of exercise so eating junk food at school or with friends once or twice a week could never erase that. Now eating cupcakes everyday (or twice a day) would not be a good thing, but a couple times a week is nothing for anyone to worry about.” And you know what, in the grand scheme of things—even though my daughters have their moments of course—they both really are super good eaters. They eat a wide variety of whole foods including lots of vegetables and are also fairly willing to try new things. So I wasn’t just talking the talk with her—even with highly processed junk food often feeling like my personal nemesis, I truly believe that eating it on occasion will not erase all that goodness.
And interestingly enough, even though my daughters have honestly never verbalized a complaint about our frequency of treats before, my 8-year-old seemed to really understand what I was telling her and even acted a little happy about this change. My kindergartner is still oblivious to quite a lot and frankly doesn’t even know what day it is half the time, so I spared her this “talk” because I didn’t think she’d even notice the difference at her age. But I do think what will go even further than this change is for me to (continue to) not act like the occasional junk food they eat is the end of the world (i.e. no guilt trip) while still educating them in a casual, non-threatening manner. I have also always been super careful about never criticizing my body in front of them, and I think that is another very important part of raising daughters with a healthy image as well. Now this parenting gig is something I am figuring out as I go (just like everyone else!) so we may continue to make adjustments as we move forward…but I can say that I do feel good about our renewed direction.
So today my 8-year-old came home from school and announced, “I had 3 oreos at lunch since it was a friend’s birthday.” Then she told me, “I read the ingredients, too.” And I said with a surprise, “Oh really, what did it say?” then with a laugh she said “I don’t remember.” Sounds like we are on the right track with having a carefree, worry-free kid who is slightly more aware than the others. :)
I think you’re doing a great job here. I especially love that you make the weekly treat a family event. So the family time spent together is part of the treat, not just the food. It’s very important to teach children about healthy food without making them fear or shun certain foods. The most important thing is teaching them to eat the foods that make them feel good and will give them the nutrients to grow. Also, the joy of childhood shouldn’t be linked to overprocessed and overpopularized foods. It should be linked to freedom (no paying bills!), long summer afternoons, and good health!
You talk about never mentioning body issues in front of your kids. I have heard this many times from many, many places. I can completely understand this philosophy and see how it helps. But I’m stuck in a situation where my body is really unhealthy (not just seemingly unhealthy – I have real health issues, including obesity), and it is a direct result of the food I have eaten for years. Do you think there is a way to communicate that my body is unhealthy without bordering on body image issues?
If you focus on wanting them, as well as yourself, to consume healthy foods in order to become healthier vs body shaming yourself in anyway, it should be just fine. I know it is a complicated issue but just focus on health. It is fine to say you want to be healthier just don’t frame it as needing to be thinner.
While I think that food education is important … and by “food education” I mean introducing your children to whole foods that taste good; I do NOT think that food restriction is important and it can be harmful, ignorant and small-minded. I am happy that you are allowing your children to use their own brain to make choices. It will also help them to be honest with you because they will understand that you will not penalize them for it. (For example, maybe I just won’t tell mom I had this Oreo so that I can still have a treat.) They are children afterall … instant gratification has a strong pull on even the most disciplined adult.
Hi Lisa, There are all kinds of families out there. Mine is one ( similar to yours) where my daughters still ask permission on what they can eat and also how much. We talk about what is healthy, nourishing and good to eat. And then we educate them on treats, how much is ok, and why sugar and other un-natural ingredients may not good. They are old enough to remember a time they had too much candy and how it didn’t make them feel well which impacts their decisions on choices going forward. I guess my point is… as parents we play a role to help them make good choices and whether this is with food, choosing friends,or alcohol later on, we’re all in the drivers seat doing the best we can, Right? Thank you for sharing such person insights on your own family.
We try to teach our girls healthy eating. They actually prefer home cooked instead of eating out. They absolutely can’t stand McDonalds or Taco Bell or places like that. They are conscious of what they eat in the sense of is it a veggie or fruit? They are not huge junk food eaters although we do indulge in IN n Out from time to time and they do like chips sometimes. My daughters are extremely good eaters. They love fish, steaks, chicken. Honestly there really isn’t much they don’t eat. Their favorite vegetable is brusselsprouts. However I have seen how being too restrictive with food can be a down fall also. My sister in-law is paranoid about everything having to be organic, grassfed, non gmo, gluten free. You name it she is against it and my poor nieces are petrified of eating anything. They are the pickiest eaters. I just hope it doesn’t develop into an eating disorder.
Hi Lisa,
First of all, thank you for posting this. Your honesty and transparency here is really inspiring. I have something I would like to contribute to the conversation, and I hope you will receive it not as criticism but as a well-intentioned piece of advice .
Although I think you were taking a great first step, I really think you need to think deeper about the way that you qualified that statement your daughter. Saying that she was “allowed“ to eat food offered to her “within reason“ is taking away your daughters autonomy in making food choices for herself.
She is old enough now to make her own decisions about food, and she has enough education to know what food is nourishing for her, and what food is not. By adding those caveats, you are still enforcing the message that you are in control of what she eats, and that she must restrict her choices to what you would view as a reasonable amount.
Taking away her autonomy to make these food choices for herself, and only herself, has a very high likelihood of affecting her psychology. I think you should really take that into account going forward. A healthy body is a wonderful thing, eating real food will definitely help you get there. But it’s not the only thing in life, it’s not worth social isolation or the way that you value yourself, or the ability to make your own choices.
While I am trying to understand where you are coming from I honestly can’t. Sugar has the same impact on the brain as heroin. Even occasional access to sugar can lead to behavioral and neurochemical changes that resemble the effects of a substance of abuse. If you would not give your child unfettered access (or access at all) to substances that we know are addictive why would you do it for sugar?
I’m not here to give my children full autonomy. I’m here to educate and empower them. It’s why they have to sleep, do their school work, and wear pants and boots in the winter time no matter how much they want shorts and sandals.
Food should not be any different. It is our responsibility to teach our children what foods are beneficial for our bodies and what foods are not. How to eat in moderation. Just because that goes against the societal norms that have evolved rapidly over the last 40-50 years does not make them wrong or mean they are damaging. Yes, full-restriction is never a good thing and can lead to a host of long-term issues as she addresses. But unless you are willing to allow your child to have full autonomy in every aspect of their life, suggesting that a mother who does not allow complete autonomy in this one area of her young child’s life is disingenuous at best.
Thank you so much for posting this. I appreciated your candor and, as our family has just begun to switch to real food, the exhortation not to be obsessive or cause anxiety about food. I also read the NYT article and some of the comments, and that was very helpful as well.
My daughter and husband (who have the same taste in everything) aren’t big into sweets, don’t overeat, already eat whole wheat bread, and are fine with other whole grain products, so in those areas the switch is not hard, thankfully. But there are a handful of processed food items they absolutely love that are very hard to make at home, and I don’t want to stress her out over those. I like the idea of 80/20, which I think will work well for us.
P.S. That picture of me and her is about 5 years old and I have no idea why it came up! LOL
You inspire me. I am trying to eat healthier. I’m working to change my unhealthy relationship with food. I see so many posts about decadent recipes and want to try them all. Then I see your blog and I’m reminded how well I feel when I eat right. Thank you for your posts. There will always be critics. Follow what you think is right and let the perfect people start their own blogs. God bless.
I H ATE FOOD ISSUES! Dh and I are not exactly on the same page with food. He believes in the “clean your plate or else” philosophy and I believe in the “eat until satisfied” philosophy. It’s caused many arguments and tense meal times with the kids. Ultimately I think education is all we can hope for. (And food ideals seem to change on a regular basis.) I was raised eating Ding Dongs and Pepsi for breakfast, hot dogs and chips for lunch, and dead meat with canned veggies for dinner followed by whatever junk food I wanted the rest of the night! And *I* am the healthy one in the family! We raised our kids with RARE treats of candy or pop and now they are pretty much fast food junkies! With my grandkids I practice education. They are still learning what a “protein” a “starch” and “fats” are. They love junk food cereal with cow milk and they love steel cut oatmeal with almond milk! :) They love fruit and some veggies but they are willing to try almost anything in the food circus. They can cook for themselves pretty well and I am encouraged by this new generation in our family. Thank you for addressing this subject. It is important.
Lisa,
You are doing a tremendous job setting a good foundation for your kids with the nourishing foods at home. Trust your kids. If they eat a lot of sugary stuff, they are going to have a stomach ache, or feel bad otherwise, so, while they may try it, they probably won’t choose those foods on a regular basis.
I agree with abolishing the “good” and “bad” label. Food is food. I do agree that some food has more nutritional value than others, but joy in eating is also necessary at times. It’s a personal choice.
If you are modeling for your kids: eat when you are hungry, until you are full, you are giving them a powerful tool. They may forgo the sugary snack that’s offered to them because they just don’t want it then, vs choosing it every time they can because it is ‘forbidden’ and this is the only time they’ll get a chance to try it.
Keep up the good work. Trust your kids. You are doing an amazing job!
This brings up an interesting topic, thanks for sharing. We try to do healthy home cooked meals at home a majority of the time. Sometimes we tend to go out to eat more (once/week) sometimes less (maybe once/mo) just depending. We try not to turn people down based on food, and if we have a lot of special reasons to eat out in a row we try to choose healthier options at the restaurant. If we go to family/friend’s houses for parties or whatever, I try to bring a healthy dish like fruit or something, so that I know we have at least one healthy thing on our plate.
I struggle with how to teach my 5 y/o daughter to eat nutritious food that nourishes her body, without it becoming “an issue” that makes her feel bad. She looooves junk food & sweets, seriously she would eat it any chance she got, we just really don’t keep it at home, but def. accepts it from others if offered. Would love to know the best way to go about it, what do you all do? Do you just not even talk about it to them at this age? Just keep healthy foods in our house that way there isn’t the battle at home, & let it go outside of your home? The thing is, it turns in to being offered junk all the time, at gma’s, school, etc etc. I worry about it more than I should, but we are dealing w/health issues like reflux, enlarged tonsils, & frequent sickness that I wonder if food is part of the issue. She is already mostly off dairy. Sugar suppresses the immune system, so I hate to see her eating sugar-filled things.
It makes me angry really that this is even an issue that we have to deal with. Chemicals should never have been turned into “food” that people consume to begin with and I don’t think that we as a society should sit back and condone the corporations that sell the processed products that have become so commonplace in the US over the years.
It’s a struggle, and I get very annoyed with school, friends, and family that are constantly giving them junk, and ‘undermining’ my efforts. I take them out for donuts or ice-cream once per week, because I need to treat them too. They get treats in their lunch boxes, which are not homemade as often as I would like, but they are at least preservative free. They can purchase the treat of their choice on Friday at school — if they eat their veggies all week.
Amen! This is exactly what we do! I make my boys lunch & everything in it is homemade and organic. They also drink water with it. We cook every night. We don’t allow junk food in the house, except on Sunday Funday. Thats when the boys are allowed to get a treat which is usually ice cream or candy for after dinner. We eat out once a week & our boys are allowed to drink whatever they want (soda is one thing I will never allow in the house even on Sunday Funday so that’s when they know they can have it if they want it) as well as order whatever they want. We too agree that the more you make junk food the forbidden fruit, the more enticing & desirable it can become. By having a Funday, they don’t feel deprived & actually savor & enjoy it more. They do trick or treat as well as have Easter baskets with candy. In MY opinion, balance is key, not complete forbidance. You’re an AMAZING mom & doing an AMAZING job! Thank you for inspiring us!
I’m very glad to read this post…having followed this for a couple of years I’ve felt equally impressed and concerned. Most of what my kids get is healthy, but I don’t limit the number of treats, I just try to overload them with enough healthy food – home-raised meat, lots of fruits and veggies – that the other stuff isn’t as attractive. They always get dessert in their lunchboxes, always get a few chips. At least twice a week the dessert is recycled because they don’t eat it, so I can leave a pre-packaged little Debbie in for 2 or 3 days before they take a few bites (or eat the entire thing…I don’t care). I sent a few pieces of a Kit Kat candy bar yesterday and…my kids sold them to other kids for other kid’s snack money to buy leftover tiny plastic Easter bunnies with parachutes that the PTA had picked up to throw in the snack sale.
On the flip side of that (my kids go to a private school, with fewer than 200 kids 1st-8th, so these kids are together for years oftentimes) one of my kid’s best friend’s family has cultivated an extreme healthy eating regiment. Because I know the parents, I knew when their child asked for a cookie during a field trip a year ago that the treat would not be welcomed. I offered to call Mom to ask if the child could have one, but this 1st grader shrugged and told me not to bother. Not too long ago I found out another of my kids was giving his chips to this child every day, but when Mom is around all the kids agree wholeheartedly that most food makes them feel bad – the oldest is in fifth or sixth grade now and is beyond paranoid about everything that goes in her mouth and is bad for you. I know we are all just doing the best we can, and I don’t profess to know what is right or judge another parent’s choices, but I would far rather my kids have a fruit snack or little Debbie at lunch, turn around and eat a birthday cupcake, then come home and ask for broccoli because they love broccoli than have them sneaking food, agreeing with Mom because it is what she wants to hear. My kids are nine and under – I love that they are able to make healthy food choices and that it is actually their choice, not something I have imposed. Of course things change, and if it ever becomes a problem we’ll rethink it, but until then, we’ll continue to offer keep so many healthy options that they can’t miss them, and snacks and junk so that they understand that it’s about moderation, not elimination.
From one parent to another, we do the best we can with what we know. There is grace in that.
I love this reply.
My kids are grown now but I raised them on home cooked foods and packed their lunches every day. Since I didn’t have “junk” in the house, when they had school parties etc they were exposed to junk food and ate it like every other kid. They learned quickly that soda pop, fast food, and other junk items upset their stomachs and they quickly opted out on their own. We had a niece who was raised with many restrictions and recently passed away from anorexia at age 21. My kids grieve the loss of their cousin but have thanked me for raising them to make their own choices and they all have chosen healthy real foods on their own.
Good for you! I have had food issues and been over weight most of my adult life due to poor training as a child and having a mother who I call the “diet police”. Over eating and poor food choices was my way of rebelling (sad, I know). I wish I had known more about whole, real food as I was raising my own children but I did work hard not to make food an issue with them so they don’t struggle like I do.
Thanks for your candor and courage in sharing your heart. I agree, there should be no “good” foods and “bad” foods, as that can lead to disordered eating. So much of what’s considered “healthy” these days is really just socially acceptable disordered eating. I am still working on “food is food is food” myself; recovery is a long and messy process. I’m encouraged that you’re aware of these potential issues for your girls and glad that you’re well on your way to worry-free! (Another note, disordered eating is often a coping mechanism for a deeper issue, and is not just about the food.)
I love your honesty – keep up the good things you do ,,,
What a wonderful, honest post. Thank you for worrying about what really matters and not what your readers will think. I believe you have opened up a platform for families to discuss the “bigger” picture, and quite frankly, I feel it is lacking in many health websites. Kudos to you and your husband for working hard at healthy habits all the way around!
I take your post to heart. I grew up in the sixties, and processed food was actually seen as “better”. My mum, the primary food preparer, used convenience items, but also made sure there were vegetables (canned,frozen or fresh) on our plates, and fresh fruit available when the budget allowed. As an adult, I’ve mostly eaten more vegetables, fruit and whole grains, and a whole let less meat, than I did as a child. I see my friends and acquaintances feed their children a whole lot of junk and sugar. Most of these friends and acquaintances battle (losingly) their own weight and health issues (especially pre-diabetes and full diabetes). They criticize others (and me) for being too uptight about what junk I don’t allow in my home and won’t bring to a party. They disrespect the special diet I have to follow, in both words and action. I’m over it. It’s obviously too personal a thing to discuss with most people . . .
I have to say that as a parent, I love following your blog. However, I feel that the involvement of kids is concerning only because… Kids are not little adults… They have not been on the same adult journey we, as adult aging women, have been on. I was an extremely picky eater as a child. My mother chose to treat food as a non issue. If she hadn’t, if she “educated me ” like this. I surely would have worried myself about food from an early age. Instead, I only had healthy food available… Never. Oh my. Yes I said never. Talked about it. It was just what it was. The less “big deal” made of it, only ensured my compliance. I ate or didn’t, she monitored my choices with out me knowing… Never, there is that word again, talked about it. As an adult, I have expanded my choices on my own schedule. I am 40 and have never been on a diet and never had to exclude anything because food was never a topic. I never over ate or felt guilty about eating certain foods. Kids are not little adults… They should not share our adult expectations about food, about math, about sports. I have to admit, I give my kids food categories of “always foods, sometimes foods, and special treat foods” . My son is 13 and this has backfired ten fold. He feels the need to justify his sometimes treats. Sad day for me. I should have follows moms advice and made it a non issue. If it is a issue for mom and dad than mom and dad should keep that about mom and dad.
No allergies here, luckily! But I do worry about how I will handle things moving forward. A few months ago, we were driving home from work and it had been a longer day than expected. My sitter hadn’t had a chance to eat and she asked me if we could stop at McDonald’s. (I made a few gagging noises, but it is her choice after all, she’s a grown woman.) I don’t eat that anymore, and haven’t for a very long time, but when those fries were in the car, they smells delicious! Of course my daughter wanted some! And how do you tell a 14 month old no in a way that they understand? So I gave her some. Sometimes life happens and all we can do is our best to protect them and keep them eating healthy.
This was an excellent post! I admit, this is something I am paranoid about. My kiddos have a very serious gluten intolerance and soy allergy (as do I, which I discovered soon after my oldest was born), so I constantly feel like I am being a food Nazi with them, and myself. I struggled with disordered eating from about 7 years old until about 24, which makes me so worried about causing them an issue. But soy especially is in almost everything processed! I feel like I’m constantly telling my daughter “no sweetie, that’s yuck, it will make you sick”. I have to force an unnatural awareness onto a toddler who just wants a darn cupcake :( Hopefully I can help guide her so she doesn’t become obsessive, or rebellious, both of which I went through. Such a hard balance to find, but wonderful to read on this topic!
My kiddo is allergic to milk, soy, wheat, nuts, & egg. We knew from the time he was 8 months old. His siblings have no allergies and I don’t always make them eat the same thing. If my other kids want something to eat I see if there is a allergy free equivalent for him. I always told him, “You are allergic to this”. I explained what being allergic means. Eventually around 2 he could say “Allergic?” And point to food. Then around 3 he could tell me if he was allergic to something. We never said “Yuck” or gross because other people eat it. The food wasn’t the problem it was how his body responded. You’d be surprised how well little kids can understand big things.
I found this post after asking this exact question on another post. (How to educate about foods without creating food fear and guilt.)
I agree with another poster who said that talking about it might be the problem. After all, expecting young kids to read ingredients and choose the “right” thing is a pretty big expectation. If you’re feeding them well at home, I feel like kids don’t need all the details. It’s your job to feed them well when you can. You can’t control everything, and they shouldn’t have the responsibility of figuring out what’s “good” and “bad” when you aren’t there. Just my opinion, of course, but I did grow up in a house full of disordered eating and unhealthy attitudes towards food. Talk about “junk”, “bad” food, etc. did cause me a lot of guilt and stress.
You’re doing a great job by feeding your kids healthy foods when you can. Maybe let that be YOUR crusade, not theirs. Eating “junk” at school or at parties occasionally won’t hurt them, and they’ll grow up with a balance of home cooking and treats. Let them read the ingredients and make healthy choices when they’re adults!
I have to say my young daughters took to the food change well. My greatest allies in this transition was the highly processed bad foods. We did the change slowly an are now about 90% whole foods in our eating. Anyway back my greatest ally, processed foods an junk food started making us sick!! Even a one time in a hurry stop would make us so sick we had belly aches, headaches an just felt awful. That was a real eye opener. So now when my girls are in a situation to eat junk food, be it at school, birthday or church they know that eating too much of those foods will make them sick an so they are more aware of what they eat. We also have a once a week treat where we go to our favorite restaurant to eat, an since the food change my girls pick healthier food options now an love that they feel so much better after eating. So the best we can do with our kids is lead by example an hope that some of it sticks with them.
I don’t have kids so I don’t really have a valid opinion here, but I have a thought. If you feed your kids healthy food they will gravitate towards those foods when they start buying their own food some day. Maybe just don’t talk about it all the time. If your kids happen to eat a treat at school don’t make it a big deal and halt your family treat together. 2 processed treats in a week isn’t the end of the world. I personally grew up almost exclusively on processed foods and I made it out alive. Now that I have changed my eating habits, I am a very healthy person. My point is, a few processed foods will not affect them in a huge way, but making them afraid of certain foods might.
I totally agree with this. I have no kids either, but as a girl who grew up with food being restricted for healthy and aesthetic reasons I have a thought too. I understand that you want to show your kids to choose healthy food, but the reality is that they will replicate what they see at home. Not necessarily what they hear from you all the time. The fact that your 8 year old feels the need to “announce” what she had in school seems a little alarming to me. I try to steer clear from processed foods too, but having some once in a while is not the end of the world, and making peace with that has been key in restoring my relationship with food.
Hi Lisa,
I do need to share that a few years ago I started to pay attention to what was in the food we eat and share with my family in an effort to get them to make better choices, and it back-fired on me. My 14-year old daughter developed an eating disorder and we spent the last year worried sick about her. I would have to pick her up from school early if there was a party at school because she couldn’t even handle choosing the least of the evils available. After seeing an dr. of adolescent medicine, nutritionist and therapist for a year, she is back at a healthy weight, but she will not eat even a salad from a fast food restaurant if necessary when traveling. After witnessing what we have gone through with her, my son eats too much junk-food and I have gained weight trying to get my daughter to eat more and be less critical of foods. I was always a healthy weight and ate everything in moderation, 3 meals a day and one special treat. In hindsight, I wish I was less vocal in cleaning up my family’s and my (for the most part healthy) diet.
It’s so hard to find that balance, isn’t it? And to communicate it to the littles….just recently my son started saying in the grocery store, “we can’t have that, it’s not ORGANIC” and it made me shudder a little. I want to be that parent without being THAT PARENT, you know? I want him to understand and make good choices without making others feel judged. I also want him to despise things like artificial colors and high fructose corn syrup as much as I do, but he’s a kid…and those Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle fruit snacks are just so much cooler than the bunnies (sorry, Annie). I guess we are all on this road together, and as so many parents have said in comments previous, we do the very best we know how. God bless! Thanks for your blog. It’s a huge resource to our family.
So much of parenting involves trying to find the right balance…you want to teach them to be hard-working and responsible but don’t want to be critical and nit-picky…you want to teach them hygiene and to take pride in their appearance without being obsessed with appearances…you want to teach them to be cautious and safe without creating needless fear and anxiety…
We are all doing the best we can. The good news is their bodies and their minds are well-equipped to handle when conditions aren’t optimal. Our kids won’t be ruined for life if we’re not perfect.
I’ve cooked and baked with my kids since they were very small, and we try to focus on the idea that cooking is fun and real homemade meals are delicious and a treat. We should also remember that kids’ tastes change …as my kids enter their teens I find they are just excited if not more over a bowl of homemade soup as a fast food meal…they would readily choose a homemade muffin over an Oreo. They still love Skittles but also love grilled chicken and veggies. Most kids who have grown up around healthy cooking and real food do develop a preference for it eventually. That IMO is mission accomplished. Ultimately they will be making all of their own food choices so developing a taste for real food is far more important to me than trying to control everything that goes into their mouths.
Thank you so much for sharing. Your honesty and humble attitude is one of the many reasons I love your blog and use it as a go-to for whole food, delicious recipes. I, too, struggle with the enormous amounts of sugary treats offered to my children on a daily basis. But, like you, I have learned to relax about what they eat outside of the home. Keep up the wonderful work you are doing. You are a blessing to so many!!
Thank you for the your candid thoughts. I too struggle with the wording and efforts around teaching my boys the highest and best choices about food. When very little, I told them junk food (manufactured stuff) had chemicals and that we would only eat at McDonald’s if we were “desperate”. Well at 5 and 3, they understand more and those words are too harsh! I am trying to offer them more choices and when they choose something, I ask how it makes them feel. My 5 year old is very aware that too much cake or candy really makes him feel bad. My 3 year old doesnt think there is such a thing as too much cake or candy!!! All in all, I am in control of what I purchase for the home and am trying to “let it go” when we are out and about! Parenting is a hard nut to crack!!!
Thank you for posting this. I have two boys who eat really well at home but when offered candy my oldest who is 4 is allowed to have some but cries when it is taken away or wants more. We try to teach him about the amount of sugar in candy and that his body does not like when he has to much sugar. He is the type of kid that once he has sugar he cannot stop and it can be scary. However, the great thing is he is such a good eater besides that. If offered his favorite carrot applesauce muffin instead of candy at home he usually chooses the muffin. Lucky for us his preschool is a nature focused school so there are only healthy options. I am struggling with weight at he moment and I thank you and support your decision in not critiquing your body in front of your girls. I do the same with my boys they will never hear me say I am not happy with my body and I do eat super healthy. Not only do our children learn from discussions but also actions. Thank you again this post really hit home today.
It bothers me so much that children are sent off to school and put in these situations with food that is so unhealthy for them. Why this is still such an issue in our schools just astounds me. One thing stood out to me in your blog post, and other’s comments….is the terms used. On one hand…junk food is called junk food or “rubbish” …but in the same posts then some of you refer to letting your kids have junk food once in awhile as “special occasions’ -or refer to them as “treats”. Ok….that in itself presents some confusion. Words have SUCH power. Let your kids have that junk food once in awhile if that’s what you decide for your family….but…..call it what it is. It’s not a special “treat” – it really is “junk”.
I love this! I love that you made a change that you feel is right for your family. I also love that you stated that you watch what you say about your body in front of your girls. I actually think that is the most important. It is so very hard not to critique myself in front of my 6-year old daughter, but I don’t. And, you know what, it has made me happier and more accepting of my body than ever! Hopefully that will translate into a good self-esteem for her. Knowing that even you changed what you “allow” made me feel so much better about what I “allow”. I try very hard to keep things “real” around here, but life happens and junk gets eaten (even under my watch)! Thanks for all you do and for being honest.
Your blog is stellar, Lisa. I am not yet a mother, but look forward to being one with an educated, balanced outlook on food to pass onto my children. I have been feeding myself and my fiancé based on your practices. We couldn’t feel better, physically and mentally. I now see that my mother achieved balance by always cooking with real food in the kitchen, but still stocking processed food in the freezer out of convenience. This allowed me to taste both sides, but she never mentioned anything about “bad” food. That I figured out a few years ago. Deciding for myself to make lifestyle changes was the big thing, and I see that your daughter has developed an opinion of her own as well. That is the key! (Side note, VERY happy that wine is included in your practices!)
Yet another great reason I enjoy your posts. Not a lot of folks would have taken what readers said and truly thought about those other points of view and then act on them. I really enjoy your blog and love your book. We have an 8 month old and hope to raise her to also be a healthy eater, so this perspective was a great reminder. Thank you for sharing.
Hi Lisa
This is SUCH a tricky area. My son (3 1/2) eat 95% “real food” no junk at home. He knows about sugar and that its not great to eat “high sugar” but that sometimes we eat “a special-occassional” as he has taken to calling them. I find the line between education and not creating an “issue” a hard one. Not because it’s hard to eat real food – because it’s not. And not because my son doesn’t love love love real food – he does (and such a varied palate of tastes too). But because we are surrounded by junk each and every day. And in our schools too. There is no safe haven apart from at home. And like you – I want to do the “special occasionals” with my son. Not have someone else give him rubbish. I totally hear what you say and I’m going to reread what you have written. I think you are right. But I also think that when your children are getting given cakes and muffins for kids birthdays twice a week minimum (often more with baking and what not they seem to do) and then all the other situations when you are out and about then this is just too much. What’s being normalised just is not normal historically. (I know you know this!) So I’ll keep trying to find the balance and like you working on getting changes in the school. Thanks for all that you do. I enjoy your blog. Claire x
After having read some of your articles and readers comments… i have the impression that food still an obsession for americans. Even if they aim to eat healthy… it is a BIG, if is not HUGE, part of their way of life. not as a convivial, friendly, yummy, funny… aspect but as if it was a succession of rule, or as if there was a black list.
I think food is not anything mental, but choices should come from heart and palate…
(hoping you will understand my poor english, best wish for your quest of perfect nutrition)
More power to ya, sister! This parenting thing is hard enough, without feeling critiqued. I am always inspired to make changes, even if I’m not getting it all right, when I see your posts and read your blog. I never feel like it is anything other than one mom to another, ideas to maybe try. Thanks :) Chin up. Nice work. Keep it up.