Can we please all agree to make this post a non-judgmental space today? Just like most other parents I am simply trying to do the best I can, and just like most parents—I do not claim to have all the answers. And as a result of some recent non-judgmental and constructive feedback from blog readers, I've been doing some thinking...and my thoughts are this: I never want my daughters to have to worry about food (or anything for that matter).
People sometimes imply that allowing your children to have free rein on junk food means "letting your kid be a kid," but in reality I think they are confusing "eating junk food" with the happy-go-lucky, carefree feeling we often see in children. And in my opinion there are many ways to achieve that bliss, which I can assure you, is not only from junk food.
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But I am the first to admit it's not easy to constantly find that fine line between standing up for what you believe in (nourishing my children with the healthiest foods on the planet!) and also not being too uptight. Whether we like it or not, there is a social aspect to junk food. I tell my husband all the time "we've been there done that" ...therefore I don't care if I never again chow down on a Little Debbie Snack, a box of Nerds, or a Push Up (really, I don't). But my children have not had the same experiences as me and no matter how much they "understand" why those foods are unhealthy who can blame them for wanting to see what they are all about? They are literally surrounded by this stuff on a regular basis - just look at school lunch rooms, TV commercials, and even check-out lines at the store.
The Feedback I Couldn't Ignore
Aside from our 100-day pledge (which ended in 2010) we have never been fully restrictive on what our girls can and can't eat. We certainly eat almost all "real food" at home, but now that our pledge is over our children indulge in processed "treats" at birthday parties, school celebrations, friend's houses, etc. I certainly wish they weren't offered junk food at so many events, but this is reality and I try not to stress about it (although I have become more involved at their school in hopes of continuing to see positive changes there). We also usually offer our girls a "once a week treat," which is pretty much the only time we eat any big sweets (other than a super dark chocolate square), but more often than not they have junk food elsewhere so others were almost always beating me to the punch when it came treat time. This means our treats together as a family didn't happen very often—or if they did my daughters would have to decide to forgo a treat that was being offered to them by someone else. Watching them make these decisions is what started bothering me deep down.
Then it just so happens that last weekend we had the chance to buy our kids their weekly treat, and by request we headed out for donuts (which I shared with this picture on Facebook). It was on that post where an interesting discussion started.
Although I can't always sit down and read every single comment personally anymore—I do read a lot of them and value what our readers have to say. And I certainly did not overlook the comment from Erin that said, "Actually, excessive discussion of 'good' food and 'bad' food can play a large role on eating disorders." Nor did I overlook the New York Times article that Marie shared that is entitled, "What’s Eating Our Kids? Fears About ‘Bad’ Foods." Then (as if I didn't already have my knickers in a twist enough) a kind reader emailed me personally and said:
"When I see your daughter questioning her food, I am encouraged by her awareness, but also concerned. I did the same thing, and my mom—who was also hyper-aware of food (and for good reason!)—encouraged this in me. I eventually become afraid of the food and restricted anything that wasn't 'healthy' —until nothing was (at the same time I over-exercised, because exercise was healthy too). It all made sense—until it didn't. I just encourage you, from the bottom of my heart, to be careful and aware and honest—but also leave some space for 'food to be food'—that's become my mantra." - 100 Days of Real Food Reader
Our Outlook Going Forward
I can truthfully tell you I have never even dabbled in eating disorders, although I (unfortunately) know many friends who have. Therefore I am no stranger to the subject and it's of course not something I would ever want my daughters to struggle with. So literally right then and there I had a discussion with my husband and we agreed to make a slight change. As soon as my daughters came home from school I told my 2nd grader, "We've decided that you can eat the foods you are offered (within reason) when you are not at home, and they will not count as your 'once a week treat.' The weekly treats we will buy or make together as a family will happen no matter what. Mommy feeds you so much good, real food at home and that's where you eat most of the time. You are such a healthy girl who is an excellent eater and also gets plenty of exercise so eating junk food at school or with friends once or twice a week could never erase that. Now eating cupcakes everyday (or twice a day) would not be a good thing, but a couple times a week is nothing for anyone to worry about." And you know what, in the grand scheme of things—even though my daughters have their moments of course—they both really are super good eaters. They eat a wide variety of whole foods including lots of vegetables and are also fairly willing to try new things. So I wasn't just talking the talk with her—even with highly processed junk food often feeling like my personal nemesis, I truly believe that eating it on occasion will not erase all that goodness.
And interestingly enough, even though my daughters have honestly never verbalized a complaint about our frequency of treats before, my 8-year-old seemed to really understand what I was telling her and even acted a little happy about this change. My kindergartner is still oblivious to quite a lot and frankly doesn't even know what day it is half the time, so I spared her this "talk" because I didn't think she'd even notice the difference at her age. But I do think what will go even further than this change is for me to (continue to) not act like the occasional junk food they eat is the end of the world (i.e. no guilt trip) while still educating them in a casual, non-threatening manner. I have also always been super careful about never criticizing my body in front of them, and I think that is another very important part of raising daughters with a healthy image as well. Now this parenting gig is something I am figuring out as I go (just like everyone else!) so we may continue to make adjustments as we move forward...but I can say that I do feel good about our renewed direction.
So today my 8-year-old came home from school and announced, "I had 3 oreos at lunch since it was a friend's birthday." Then she told me, "I read the ingredients, too." And I said with a surprise, "Oh really, what did it say?" then with a laugh she said "I don't remember." Sounds like we are on the right track with having a carefree, worry-free kid who is slightly more aware than the others. :)
Lisa says
I love this post because it is exactly what I deal with. I've been trying to be more laid back but it's so hard! I don't stress when my husband takes the twins to Wendy's for dinner when I'm not in town, or when a birthday at preschool means cupcakes and candy. I ignore my family's rolled eyes when we walk in for a 3-day stay with 2 bags of groceries. I am serious about my commitment to what I feed my kids regardless of what others think but it is tough. I have a friend with older kids and she gave me great advice that the girls need to be exposed to bad food and to learn to make their own decisions about food. Something to work on, for us.
Nicole says
This was great, I love how honest you are. It can sometimes feel like a battle between our healthy food at home and the food others offer the kids outside of home. I often get discouraged when I don't get to offer the kids a "treat" because Grandma has already done that for the day! haha. All we can do is focus on the food the children get at home and try not to stress about what happens at school and Grandma's!
Ann Shaw says
Thank you for this post. I am becoming a step-mom in July, to kids that will be with us for half of every week. We have no control over what they will eat when they're not with us, and their dad tends to indulge them in unhealthy snacks. His daughter is already putting on excess weight at the age of 9. Its a big challenge to find ways of encouraging a healthy lifestyle without giving either of them body-image/eating disorders in the future! I am at a total loss at times, and the reminder that its a process that we can figure out as we go is certainly helpful. I have already stopped criticizing my own body in front of them as well.
Jessica says
I needed to read this today. As I have changed our ways of eating so my whole family be healthy, it is very hard to allow junk food at times. Keep up the great work!
Economies of Kale says
This is a great post - it's so hard to strike a balance, even as an adult. Even though I don't have kids yet, it's really interesting to see how other people handle this problem.
Lindsey says
Bravo, Mama!
Jill Pontiere says
At 65 yrs old I look back on all the foods my children ate growing up. They are now 43, 41, 39. They ate Hamburger Helper, sloppy joe mix, and a few other processed foods. They all seem to be ok, however, I don't think the processed foods were as harmful as they are today.
With the major corporations (Food sales) in bed with the FDA (governmental officials) it is impossible to know that even the foods we think are healthy are really healthy!
Common sense and all things in moderation.....
Georgia says
Wow - great post, Lisa. I've visited your blog a few times, and ended up here today because a friend posted the link on Facebook. As someone who has struggled with a spectrum of eating disorders (starting with AN, then back and forth between BN and BED for about 10 years), I applaud your efforts and this change. I will also say, though, that didn't grow up in a household that was particularly restrictive; it was other things, both in and out of the family that seemed to conspire against me. I think the steps you're taking - and the knowledge your girls do and will have - is brilliant. I think what's even more brilliant, is your care not to criticize your body in front of them. I think my mom's (and dad's) poor body-image sent a pretty strong message to me about my own self-worth and where it comes from. I guess my point is that while you can do everything in your power to protect them, it's not all in your control. I don't think it's my parents' fault that I've struggled with this - who's to say that if they did things differently it still wouldn't have happened? What I'm trying to say is enjoy your little girls! You're doing great and you're a great mama!
Sarah says
As a psychologist who treats eating disorders and as a mother of two girls who cares about healthy living, I found your post to be nuanced and gracious. Lovely.
Katie says
Hi! I hope this is not a double post, it appears that my comment didn't go through, so my apologies if this is a repeat...
Thank you so much for this post! It could not have come at a better time for us. My husband and I are expecting our first child (a girl), in two short months. We were actually talking about how to raise children who value their bodies and their health just last night. I did have an eating disorder in college and I would never ever want that for my precious girl (or boys if we have one in the future). I realize that fine line between knowing and observing what is healthy for your body and obsessing over "good" and "bad" foods. The way you raise your girls is such a fine example of how to raise health conscious children who value their bodies. Thank you for the time and effort you put into sharing with your blog readers!
Alexis says
I love this article, in fact I truly enjoy your website. Although I have not completely come over to only real foods, I am a baker, I am slowly bringing it in to our lifestyle one step at a time, right now it's breakfast, got and have had dinner down for a while. I think we, as parents make the biggest stresses out of the littlest things, that's what great parenting is, an learning along the way is what makes it better. I am glad to see that you are willing to change some thing for your kids, this also encourages them to learn to make decisions on their own too, they know they are trusted to do the right thing, and makes a more positive relationship, yes I can tell you have a great relationship, this helps out more. I encourage you, and all of us to continue freaking out about every little thing when our kids aren't watching, and love watching them grow into the people they will be!
Sarah says
I love ur blog. I am trying to do the same thing by only putting healthy food into my 2 girls. But socially they r offered junk food everywhere. We have had many discussions and they r understanding the balance that is needed to be healthy. They know they need to have a healthy snack before a sweet one at grandmas. They know if they had birthday cake they shouldn't have dessert after dinner bc too much sugar just isn't good for u and will make u feel yucky. I pump them full of the healthiest food I can find at home so they can go out into the world and enjoy themselves w friends to a certain limit. Balance and moderation is what I'm teaching them
Selina McGinn says
Thanks for your post.
Emily says
Wow! My husband and I began our 100day challenge on April 1. Many times we have said how grateful we are that you have made so much information so easily available on this website. We too have a daughter, and I have had these same thoughts and concerns of not wanting to go overboard but simply educate to help her to make her own healthy choices. Thank you for being so transparent to such a large and critical audience.
MomOfThree says
You are giving your kids the tools and knowledge to make healthy decisions. That is what parents need to do for their kids. Thanks for the article!
Andrea says
I am very impressed with how you managed that situation. Your daughter is definitely more aware, more educated and not stressed about it. We should all strive for such excellence for or kids :) personally, I know how difficult it can be just for a clean eating adult alone to push through the world in a day, let alone strive to create a clean path for kids too. Bravo!!
MomOfThree says
Your giving your kids the tools and knowledge to make healthy decisions. Thanks for the article!
Kaynaiverson says
This post is why I love your site so much. Many "food" bloggers are so arrogant and would never admit they could make changes. You make me believe I can do this. Since switching my family to "real foods" in February, your site is my go-to for almost any question I have. Thank you so much and keep up the great work.
Christa says
You are doing a great job. I have the same phylosophy. I want my kids to be able to participate in life by enjoying the social aspects of food but also know that most of the time in normal situations we eat to nourish our bodies. You are out there for all to see and critisize because that is what some people do. They pick apart those who try to educate. I get it too from my friends. I think deep down inside these people do this because they want to make excuses for why they don't put the hard effort into eating like we do. You have to just keep fighting for what you believe in. We need as many food advicates as we can get to be our voice!
Emily S. says
Isn't this parenting gig hard? You're doing great, and it's wonderful to have a positive role model out there! Thanks for all you do.
Christy says
The best article I've read on this subject in a long time...maybe forever!!!!
Traci says
I love this post! It could be one of my favorites so far! Thank you for showing how real moms worry and want the best for their daughters and family!
Melissa says
Lisa, you guys inspire me daily! After having my third baby recently, I stay at home now and decided to finally take the "real food" plunge to teach my kids (3 boys under 5!) how to eat well by working towards only offering them real food as much as possible. I found your blog somehow and seriously visit it almost every day now. I remember telling my husband that I finally found a website with a real family, with little kids who are super positive and truthful! I have only been doing this for 3 months and my 5 year old told his teacher the other day that he could only have one "sugary" item instead of two during snack time. He even brings me things like donuts at a store and says "mom, look at all these ingredients!" :-) People will always do and say what they want anyway, so just know that we appreciate your honesty and would never visit your site to judge you! We just appreciate you and your info and the positive/encouraging posts you put out into the world :-)
Stacey Murphy says
I still think the point has been lost a bit. You have educated your children on food, you provide healthy food at home, why is your child reporting that she ate oreos at school? If your children constantly have to report the outside treats they are given, the focus is still on food rather than just life. Children learn best by modeling their parents so as long as you eat healthy and provide healthy food at home, I wouldn't question what they are given outside the home. If it comes up in general conversation, that is one thing but I'm hoping you don't ask them every day if they had a treat. I also don't understand the once a week treat idea. I think it implies that we have to eat treats. It seems to me that it would be more effective to make these random and try to always make them homemade. We do family fun night every Friday and most of the time it involves playing games, going on hikes or to a dollar movie. Rarely is it a trip out for ice cream. Me and my husband are Paleo and are trying to convert our kids without force. I don't question what they eat at school unless they have a stomachache and then we talk about why. You are a fantastic mom and blogging about food can be all consuming. Just a few thoughts as I know you worry about what others wrote.
Kelly says
Hurray for you and your family and keep up the good work!! I have 3 children that are 18, 20, and 22 years old and when they were younger we educated them on food choices. Many times I was told to lighten up and let the kids be kids. The thing everyone needs to understand is, I have never said "don't eat that or you'll get fat" because that's what develops food issues. Instead we would save our money and eat out at restaurants instead of cheap burger and fries at a fast food joint. They never wanted to eat the kids menu because they wanted what mom and dad were having. I can't count how many times a chef invited them into the kitchen to watch their meal be prepared...a few times their meal was free when the chef appreciated their knowledge of real food.
I always had them be a part of our shopping, prepping and cooking of meals, a lot of the time we chose themes for dinner. Now I'm proud to say my son in college regularly makes stir frys, roasted vegetables and organic chicken...occasionally he has KD, afterall he is a college student! LOL!
My oldest has a gf who was raised vegetarian, he does most of the cooking because he feels she doesn't eat healthy. My heart swells with pride.
Keep up the good work and ignore the naysayers...afterall your kids call you mom, not them
Sadie says
Thank you for your honesty, and for recognizing that "perfection" in this area is unlikely, if not impossible, without serious unintended effects. I have been struggling with improving my diet, and beating myself up whenever fatigue and tight schedules make it easier to resort to a fast food meal or a processed food. I'm been totally ignoring the fact that the changes I have made and maintain most of the time have made me feel better and even begun to lose some weight. Your children are blessed to have a Mom who is raising them with love, common sense and humanity. Kudos to you!
Melanie says
Good for you!! I'm so glad to hear your thought process on this and think you are definitely heading in the right direction. I struggled with an eating disorder and over-exercise much like the reader you quoted. With two daughters (and a son) of my own, I am trying to maintain in myself and instill in my children a healthy perspective toward food much like your "Outlook Going Forward."
Sarah says
What a wonderfully honest article about a common worry many of us have! My 6 1/2 year old son and I often have these "talks". Since I became pregnant again, he has been very diligent about telling me if my food choices are good for the baby. With some of the "cravings" I have had, my husband and I have explained that having a treat sometimes will not hurt the baby just like it won't hurt him when he has a treat at school or with Grandma. Kids are so smart and as long as we are showing them positive behavior and encouraging their input when it comes to healthy foods, we are doing our job. Our kids educate us as well as we do them. You should be proud of yourself and your girls. You are all helping to educate those around you. Happy Mother's Day to you!
Kelsey says
I love to follow your blog because you are realistic about things, you try to do your best when it comes to your family's diet, but sometimes you simply need to make-do. I completely understand your concerns as I have the same for my kids, but I truly believe you are doing everything right! Not educating kids about their food intake can lead to the completely opposite food disorder of obesity which is just as tragic. Our bodies were created to handle a certain amount of fats and reactive oxygen species (the harmful stuff generated from chemicals and breakdown of bad foods) and so I always remind myself of this when I let my kids indulge. Just find a place in your heart that carries a balance which you are comfortable with. You will get critique no matter what, but as long as you stay aware and love your children, you know them best, and you can continue to make the right decisions with them. Keep up the good work, we love ya!
LC says
It's as if this post is from my own heart. I too have felt junk food is my nemesis (ha!) and have struggled with the same thoughts for my children. My husband and I have taken the exact same approach you have chosen. Trust me, I cringe every time my 5 year old is offered a bright blue Gatorade after baseball, a GMO/nitrate filled slice of pizza or a Capri Sun, but I know in my heart I am laying the right foundation at home and teaching my children how to eat healthy and real. He "gets" it and has even started saying no thank you to candy offered (from the same 5 year old friend who already has a mouthful of cavities), and asking me if certain foods are "yellow light." I read him the story you posted and it has totally worked, except I did pretty much eliminate "red lights" because I just don't feel forbidding anything is a good idea. So the bottom line is I think you are doing an amazing job with your girls and with helping educate others. I love your blog (and your recipes) and reference it and share it all of the time. Keep it up! And happy Mommy's Day!!
3C's mom says
Thank you for this wonderful post. This is a discussion I have with friends and colleagues all the time. Can't wait to share this.
3C's mom says
Thank you d
Rachel says
We very rarely have processed food in the house. However we allow our kids to be treated by others and for special events. Recently a grandparent bought my 7 year old an 8 oz Tru Moo chocolate milk thinking it was healthy. It took my son 3 days to finish it. He would get a little glass and pour just enough into it to relish the taste. When I asked him about it he said that last time he drank the whole thing to fast and all the sugar made him feel sick. So I think it's safe to say that we can let our kids make food choices on their own while they are out. They will learn what feels right in their bodies and how much is to much through trial and error.
Noreen Gallo says
As a Registered Dietitian who has worked with eating disorders, I applaud your efforts. In todays society, food is so much more than nourishment. Keeping an open discussion with your kids is the first step. The fact that you are so aware at all levels tells me that you are doing a great job with your kids and they will grow up to have a healthy attitude towards food. Keep up the great work. BTW - she probably could not even pronounce the ingredients in the oreo.... :)
Cindy says
I fed my sons as healthy a diet as I understood when they were growing up. Back then I was far less informed than I am now, but I did my best. Once they were out running around with friends, I could no longer control what they ate and ended up drinking Mt Dew and eating Doritos. Now they're 31 and 27 and I'm happy to say that the emphasis they received in their early years has paid off. Both of them are interested in nutrition and have actually helped inform me more. They are very healthy eaters and one is raising a daughter on organic produce! I hope this encourages you.
Lori says
I have changed our families diet over the last few years. My children now come to me and tell me they feel sick if they eat some foods they use to love. They will still have their treats, but they are much more aware there are foods out there that give them good energy without making them feel sick. When our children are nourished on all levels they will begin to discern those things that make them feel good and truly nourished.
Krysti says
I started the transformation to real food when my health showed negative results due to the foods I prepared. I was super strict with sugar cereals and processes food because I feel that not only is this the time that children learn to have a good diet but develope the tastes for the healthy foods (white bread vs. ww bread, pineapple vs. gummy bears).
I made a slight adjustment as well for my children when they would always turn their head to look at me with pleading eyes, when ever they were offered a soda or cup cake. I told the kids that they get so much good food at home that they can graciously accept the food offered. But I have to limit it still.
I do continue to educate them about the food and what is in it. I tell them that the food we eat is not simply suppose to taste good but also needs to be beneficial. My kids do choose the "junk" many times they are offered, but they also tell me they prefer the yummy snacks that Mommy makes.
Thanks so much for your blog!! I get many ideas from your site. Keep it up
Dana says
I was overweight almost all of my life until just over a year ago I decided I didn't want to end up in one of those power wheelchairs at the age of 45. I've made a huge improvement since then and I've learned a lot about having a healthy body and a healthy mind. The most important thing I've learned though is that just like one healthy meal does not make you healthy, one unhealthy meal will not make you unhealthy. Oh, and an apple a day does not keep the doctor away. It just makes the bills smaller lol
Linda says
Thank you to the readers who've replied with the same concerns and THANKYOU for this quote: "But I do think what will go even further than this change is for me to (continue to) not act like the occasional junk food they eat is the end of the world (i.e. no guilt trip) while still educating them in a casual, non-threatening manner"
I, too, struggle with feeding my boys healthy choices and I cringe at the baseball field when the "healthy snack" comes in a wrapper. I watch what others put in their grocery carts, bring in their lunches, etc and probably get WAY too judgmental --THANK you for helping me see that what I'm showing my boys is good and also teaching me that I need to relax just a little around the other moms. Perhaps they're the ones that have already figured this "food thing" out.
Christi says
I think what you are doing is great, if you are giving your children a healthy outlook towards food then they will be on the right track.