Can we please all agree to make this post a non-judgmental space today? Just like most other parents I am simply trying to do the best I can, and just like most parents—I do not claim to have all the answers. And as a result of some recent non-judgmental and constructive feedback from blog readers, I've been doing some thinking...and my thoughts are this: I never want my daughters to have to worry about food (or anything for that matter).
People sometimes imply that allowing your children to have free rein on junk food means "letting your kid be a kid," but in reality I think they are confusing "eating junk food" with the happy-go-lucky, carefree feeling we often see in children. And in my opinion there are many ways to achieve that bliss, which I can assure you, is not only from junk food.
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But I am the first to admit it's not easy to constantly find that fine line between standing up for what you believe in (nourishing my children with the healthiest foods on the planet!) and also not being too uptight. Whether we like it or not, there is a social aspect to junk food. I tell my husband all the time "we've been there done that" ...therefore I don't care if I never again chow down on a Little Debbie Snack, a box of Nerds, or a Push Up (really, I don't). But my children have not had the same experiences as me and no matter how much they "understand" why those foods are unhealthy who can blame them for wanting to see what they are all about? They are literally surrounded by this stuff on a regular basis - just look at school lunch rooms, TV commercials, and even check-out lines at the store.
The Feedback I Couldn't Ignore
Aside from our 100-day pledge (which ended in 2010) we have never been fully restrictive on what our girls can and can't eat. We certainly eat almost all "real food" at home, but now that our pledge is over our children indulge in processed "treats" at birthday parties, school celebrations, friend's houses, etc. I certainly wish they weren't offered junk food at so many events, but this is reality and I try not to stress about it (although I have become more involved at their school in hopes of continuing to see positive changes there). We also usually offer our girls a "once a week treat," which is pretty much the only time we eat any big sweets (other than a super dark chocolate square), but more often than not they have junk food elsewhere so others were almost always beating me to the punch when it came treat time. This means our treats together as a family didn't happen very often—or if they did my daughters would have to decide to forgo a treat that was being offered to them by someone else. Watching them make these decisions is what started bothering me deep down.
Then it just so happens that last weekend we had the chance to buy our kids their weekly treat, and by request we headed out for donuts (which I shared with this picture on Facebook). It was on that post where an interesting discussion started.
Although I can't always sit down and read every single comment personally anymore—I do read a lot of them and value what our readers have to say. And I certainly did not overlook the comment from Erin that said, "Actually, excessive discussion of 'good' food and 'bad' food can play a large role on eating disorders." Nor did I overlook the New York Times article that Marie shared that is entitled, "What’s Eating Our Kids? Fears About ‘Bad’ Foods." Then (as if I didn't already have my knickers in a twist enough) a kind reader emailed me personally and said:
"When I see your daughter questioning her food, I am encouraged by her awareness, but also concerned. I did the same thing, and my mom—who was also hyper-aware of food (and for good reason!)—encouraged this in me. I eventually become afraid of the food and restricted anything that wasn't 'healthy' —until nothing was (at the same time I over-exercised, because exercise was healthy too). It all made sense—until it didn't. I just encourage you, from the bottom of my heart, to be careful and aware and honest—but also leave some space for 'food to be food'—that's become my mantra." - 100 Days of Real Food Reader
Our Outlook Going Forward
I can truthfully tell you I have never even dabbled in eating disorders, although I (unfortunately) know many friends who have. Therefore I am no stranger to the subject and it's of course not something I would ever want my daughters to struggle with. So literally right then and there I had a discussion with my husband and we agreed to make a slight change. As soon as my daughters came home from school I told my 2nd grader, "We've decided that you can eat the foods you are offered (within reason) when you are not at home, and they will not count as your 'once a week treat.' The weekly treats we will buy or make together as a family will happen no matter what. Mommy feeds you so much good, real food at home and that's where you eat most of the time. You are such a healthy girl who is an excellent eater and also gets plenty of exercise so eating junk food at school or with friends once or twice a week could never erase that. Now eating cupcakes everyday (or twice a day) would not be a good thing, but a couple times a week is nothing for anyone to worry about." And you know what, in the grand scheme of things—even though my daughters have their moments of course—they both really are super good eaters. They eat a wide variety of whole foods including lots of vegetables and are also fairly willing to try new things. So I wasn't just talking the talk with her—even with highly processed junk food often feeling like my personal nemesis, I truly believe that eating it on occasion will not erase all that goodness.
And interestingly enough, even though my daughters have honestly never verbalized a complaint about our frequency of treats before, my 8-year-old seemed to really understand what I was telling her and even acted a little happy about this change. My kindergartner is still oblivious to quite a lot and frankly doesn't even know what day it is half the time, so I spared her this "talk" because I didn't think she'd even notice the difference at her age. But I do think what will go even further than this change is for me to (continue to) not act like the occasional junk food they eat is the end of the world (i.e. no guilt trip) while still educating them in a casual, non-threatening manner. I have also always been super careful about never criticizing my body in front of them, and I think that is another very important part of raising daughters with a healthy image as well. Now this parenting gig is something I am figuring out as I go (just like everyone else!) so we may continue to make adjustments as we move forward...but I can say that I do feel good about our renewed direction.
So today my 8-year-old came home from school and announced, "I had 3 oreos at lunch since it was a friend's birthday." Then she told me, "I read the ingredients, too." And I said with a surprise, "Oh really, what did it say?" then with a laugh she said "I don't remember." Sounds like we are on the right track with having a carefree, worry-free kid who is slightly more aware than the others. :)
Kay W says
This is a much needed post, children are our future and nutrition plays a huge role in their lives. It can either be a great enabler or disabler, thank you again.
Candice says
I appreciated this post. For 100 days I told my three year old that sugar was poison and bad for her body. That made it easier for her not to eat it. Now we are done with our pledge and although I don't have it at home, when others offer her sweets (in front of me, without asking) and I tell her she can eat it she is SO CONFUSED (is sugar poison or not??). I'm still trying to figure out the best approach to this one.
Jessica says
Hi Candice- One way we described bad food vs good food in toddler terms was that we said some food will make you run really fast, and some will make you slower. Now, nothing is killing you slowly, but it might make you run slower, climb slower, not jump as high than the other kids. For some reason, this clicked for my kids (a boy and a girl). They both loved running around, they don't want to lose all the races. I don't know any of the answers to this modern day food dilemma, but this is one line that worked well.
Erin says
Thank you for this post. We have recently recently changed to real food. I find myself struggling with allowing my child to eat "junk" My husband is not completely on board with this change, and although some of my family is, they haven't made the change completely. My 5 year old keeps asking if something is healthy... I don't want him to ever worry about food. I really enjoy your blog.
jennifer says
i LOVE this post with all my little heart! I'm trying to find a good median... I just had a baby and am scared he's going to want to indulge in sweets all the time! I'm the only health conscience one in my family and on my husband's side...so I worry what he's going to eat and not want to eat healthy when he gets home. Then I watch documentaries that show you should eat raw food and all other food is terrible! Then I drive myself crazy thinking there's no real food out there that I can eat! Then I calm down and realize I eat healthy the majority of the time, only drink water, and exercise regularly. I've always been skinny...but skinny doesn't mean healthy! This post made me feel sane and at peace! lol. It was like a light bulb went off! This shall become the norm in our house :)))
Beth says
Love this!! We're are still trying to find our way with food choices and making changes as we go. Going against the grain is hard for all of us and especially my kids as they are in the peer groups where conformity is easier. I have to keep telling myself 80/20. If we eat well 80% of the time, then I need to let go of the other 20% so we can all be relaxed and enjoy the people and opportunities around us. I don't think we're up to 80% yet but I'm working on it! 80/20, 80/20, 80/20... Breathe!!
Sarah says
I'm so glad you posted this. Our family has also struggled with this balance. And I'm glad to see that there's still a way to keep good habits in the spotlight without being too restrictive. This is now my stance with my kid as well. Thanks again.
Erin says
Lisa, I think that you have made the perfect compromise! We have taken this approach at home as well and it seems to be working well. For the record, I am, however, still far more concerned that my girls are getting negative body image/food issues from other moms' comments - "I need to work out," "Eating this will make me fat" - etc - than I am from the growing focus on real food. I hope that you find that this is the right path for your girls!
Rachael K says
Thanks for your post Lisa. With 3 daughters myself, I also find it difficult to combat the constant barage of body image and body consciousness women/girls are faced with every day. "Food-ucation" is no easy task. I don't like that my girls sometimes eat other kids' Doritos at lunch or get sodas or candy for prizes at school, but I'm trying to teach my girls that being healthy is all about making choices. Good choices, like bad ones, are cumulative. We, as parents, just have to do the best we know how and cross our fingers we did a good job.
Melisa R says
Thank you for this post, I really needed to read this. I am trying to find a balance in what to eat and what not to eat and not going to extremes. I guess what I am learning is moderation in all things.
~Melisa
Kim Case says
Thank you for posting something so vulnerable. You are not only an inspiration about eating better but also about how parents interact with each other.
Collette Youngblood says
I just want to say...you are just like the rest of us! (Festivus!) I think you are fabulous. Wonderful. Plus, you have changed my life, and the lives of my 5 kids. These are tough times, when everything we see, touch, and eat is potentially toxic. Tough times I say. None of us want to end up being the crazy mom, and there are some days when I do better (much better) than others. Anyone at all conscious or caring about what goes in their bodies and their childrens bodies is 99% of the curve if you ask me! Everything in moderation...even moderation...Love to you and yours! XOXOXOX
Assistant to 100 Days (Amy) says
Collette-Really enjoyed the Festivus reference! :)
Casey says
I think the social aspect of junk food is the hardest part and it's tough watching kids have to make the decision to forgo a treat. That's part of the reason I make it easier on mine by giving them money when they pass up the junk food or food as a reward. I worry if they don't learn to make that decision as a child, they won't be equipped to deal with it as an adult (like so many aren't).
Susan says
Great post! I catch the same flak, and have thought a lot about this issue too. I did actually suffer with orthorexia ~ yes, there is a name for it!! I had a dreadful time eating anything not "clean" and actually deciding what to eat was becoming paralyzing. The fact that you are aware & active in teaching your kids is brilliant and I applaud you for sharing such a personal post!
Rachel says
Oh my! I understand. I am a Registered Dietitian, Master's in Nutrition, getting my doctorate. I work on childhood obesity prevention research studies. I can't seem to give my kid a freaking peppermint without people questioning me. When they see me at the market they look in my cart. It's so difficult to have balance.
Lindsey Griffith says
I have never posted before as I am still new to 100 days of real food. I have to say Thank you Lisa and your helpers for all that you do! We eat so much better now. I have an 8 year old and one on the way and because of Real Food we are healthier and happier.
Sydney says
Thanks for this. Very helpful.
Joy says
Hello! I am a teenager, and I have a few girls in my school who are anorexic. Most of these eating disorders could have been prevented if their parents weren't/aren't so controlling. Obviously with kids at your kids age, you can control everything (or almsot everything) they eat. However, please start getting ready already to release all this control of your kids! Depending on your kids personalities, they might decide to take complete control of their diet and either not eat anything or eat everything they can, if you continue to parent them in this way as they get older. I really worry that you will try to continue to parent your kids like this when they grow older, and become teenagers. Being a teenager myself, I can guarantee that that will not go over well. As I read through your blog posts, I imagine what your average teen would do if their parents parented them in this way. Your average teen would probably turn it into a huge battle, and would most likely have a eating disorder.
PLEASE get ready to change the way you're controlling your daughters diets now, or be ready for a guaranteed fight for control. If you don't, you will be sacrificing having a good relationship with your daughters, and you will be sacrificing their mental health. That isn't worth controlling what they eat!
Anita@ Losing Austin says
I struggle with doing anything less than best once I know what best is- I now believe that eating the way I'm learning from you is best. So when I 'fail' by not having fully converting my kids (primarily due to a husband who's not on board fully) then I beat myself up. I appreciate this reminder that it doesn't have to be all or nothing and what I am doing, is a much healthier place than where we were 6 months ago.
Morgan Perkins says
Let your young kids eat as many candy bars and donuts at one time as they want. They will get sick and won't want to do it again. And be careful of denying them any sweets at all...I once had a friend whose mother did just that and as a result, when he was an adult, he binged on all the sugar his mom never let him eat. And yes that did cause a weight problem for him. I agree with some of the other posters... fight to make changes within the food companies producing the crap food laden with dyes, hydrogenated oils and high fructose corn syrup. Force them to bring a better product to market. Vote with your wallets. Volunteer at your schools and little league fields...spearhead campaigns to bring in healthier choices! A choice between a gatorade and a slurpee doesn't give your child a fair chance to make the right decision.
heather bee says
A doctor, and a mother riding the high of her daughter's graduation and departure for college, gushed at me (then only the mother of 1 rather than 4 :) ) that if I second guessed everything I did for the next 18 years, then I could take comfort in the fact that I'm probably doing everything perfectly-because simply caring was the best thing I could do for my child. A wise woman indeed...! :D (Please excuse the terrible run-on sentence :P)
Debbie says
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for this post!! My daughter is four and I've talked with her about "red, yellow, and green light foods," but I certainly don't want her to obsess about it. I relate to you so much and I really appreciate your openness. This was such a great reminder and excellent advice!!!
Nikki says
I am late chiming in here, but I wanted to commend you on your wisdom in this leniency. We have been pretty much a whole foods family for 10 years (much easier now to find good food than a decade ago!) In the beginning, I was very strict - it was easy, my kids were so young. Now that all three are teenagers, I am so glad I loosened up about 6 years ago. As teens, they are constantly presented with junk when parents are nowhere to guide them. Teaching them young to make the choice - even if it's the one we don't like, will actually cause them to make the right choice later. Over the years, my kids have overindulged in some junk while at a friends house, then voiced their unhappiness about it because they weren't feeling well after. After a few times of having this carte blanche access to the "good stuff" they didn't even want it anymore - they actually crave my food! My only request of them is that regardless of what it is, if they know it has dye in it, please don't eat it. Food dyes scare me - that was the first thing I eliminated all those years ago...and as far as I know, they honor this one request.
Molly says
This is a wonderful article. I struggle with the same issue with my children - finding that balance so I'm not setting them up for a future in therapy. :) It's great to know we really are all in this together. Thanks for not only this particular post, but your entire site.
Jami at Eat Nourishing says
This is something I have just come to realize myself. I've created a real food pharisee! My oldest daughter can be legalistic and very judgmental of others' food choices. I'm all for sharing the importance of real food, but not in a way that's demeaning or overbearing. She was holding everyone to this super high standard, when she couldn't always keep it herself.
Our kids are allowed to make their own food choices outside the home now, as a way to combat the legalism. Most of the time they do just fine! But I want them to have a healthy understanding, and not be hard on themselves or others for sometimes eating junk.
Caty says
Ahhh, never easy finding the balance is it?
Control the things you can and let the other ones go--help them understand the shades of gray--nothing is black or white. I think eating healthy variety of foods at home 80-90% of the time is a reslistic goal.
Do i wish my DD did not get artifical junk in her treats outside of the home? Yes! But lets not burden the kids with this worry--we need to fight to make changes in policies that allow companies to put that junk in the foods.
Anne says
Lisa, you are doing a wonderful job with balancing your choice of words and your choice of food! I think happy carefree days, should be remembered by playing with the family, enjoying time together and yes, having some good food too. You have a great balance and they will look back and say, gosh Mom, we sure did have some great times together! They won't say, oh wow, remember when I had 3 oreos at school, lol. Keep up the good work and thanks for getting so many of us on the right path!!! We appreciate your hard work!
Christina says
I think you made an a great decision. I know from personal experience (growing up with a mother who was and still is completely OCD about food) that it can scar a child being overly strict about food that same way it can scar a child being overly leniant about food. I still struggle with moderation when eating I feel because I was not taught it growing up. We were just not allowed to eat sweets at all. It's a very fine line that I'm still trying to figure out for my children.Hopefully I won't scar them too much! haha
Cathy says
I appreciate your struggle for balance and your honesty!
We have reached a similar conclusion, both from a parenting standpoint and from a financial one. While I buy and cook mostly whole and real foods, we simply cannot afford to eat all or even mostly organic/pastured/local foods. We want our kids to eat healthy food, to enjoy a wide variety of foods, to learn to cook and shop, and to understand the issues about food that concern us in age appropriate ways. But as you said, we don't want them to worry about food or body image. We do not want to be "Food Nazis" or "The Green Police". I have had bad experiences with people like that and don't want to raise my kids to be them!
As Christians, we believe that God is sovereign over our lives and our health and we rest in His provision for us, in this life as well as the next. We want to be good stewards of the bodies and the environment and the money He has given us and that can be a bit of a juggling act. We are glad that God is bigger than our food choices and His will for our health and lives is not going to be overruled by eating some junk food.
I am so thankful that Christ came, lived, died and rose again to give His people an eternity with a New Heaven and a New Earth with no pollution, pesticides, illness, death or worrying!
Thanks for your post!
Tammy says
Thank you for all the wonderful information you post here. I have 7 kids and try to feed them as healthy as we can. You are doing just fine with your daughters, and teaching and modeling healthy eating habits is one of the BEST things you can do. If they don't understand now, they will when theyre older and will be healthier than most. Good Job!!!
jenny h says
this is a tough balance. I have come to similar crossroads when it comes to feeding my kids. I know that I am not perfect at this and will never be, but keeping a healthy balance is important. My kids can tell the difference when it comes to pocessed foods and foods I make. They become bloated and feel sick almost. So I am glad that the are aware. Keep up with what you are doing. We moms have a tough and important job.
Jen T says
Lisa, I was just internalizing the same concerns for my son, who will be 8 next month. He has Asperger's and so he takes everything we say very literally. While this works to our advantage in some regards, because he is conscious of making healthy choices and often asks us about foods, I took get concerned that he will take it too far. In the past year we have completely changed the way our family eats and we now exercise regularly. Our kids have begun to exercise with us. Even our 4yo daughter asks "Is this healthy?" before indulging in a treat. (Although she is likely to eat happily eat something even after hearing that it's not healthy food). I think that as long as we educate our kids and don't beat them over the head with information, we're on the right track. I appreciate the effort you put into this blog and am happy to share the stories with my family and now many friends. Thank you!
Laura says
I worry about the same thing too. I was feeling that putting too much emphasis on anything (Drugs, Sex, Food, etc) can make the kids move in that direction instead of focusing on the teachings. Thanks, this was well written and encouraging.
Nicole says
This post is why I follow your blog! I really feel like we are all in this together. My son gets overstimulated very easily and dyes in foods seem to aggravate that. I too struggle on how to limit it. At home, we do not have anything with dyes but then you go to their school carnival or birthday parties and there isn't an alternative. I usually end up dealing with a melt down at the end but I don't want to deprive him of the birthday cake or the occasional chick-fil-a play date. I think the real enemy is the food companies rather than the parents. They could help us out by offering some better choices so we don't have to make everything oursevles!!
Aviva Goldfarb says
Thanks for helping to lead us through this complicated parenting and food jungle, Lisa. Our kids are teens now so they need to make their own decisions about food, especially out of the house. I'm sure they eat things I'm not thrilled about but they also know how to make healthy choices and they eat our healthy, homemade meals and good snacks at home, so I think they're doing alright.
Annemarie says
This is a wonderful post. My husband is a social worker in training, so we do talk about this issue regularly. There is a fine line between being hyper-vigilant about food and being too relaxed about it, and we all need to figure out how to deal with that line in our own families.
Amy Ellebrecht says
Wow! Thank you so much for this post. You really helped me rethink my approach with my 2 boys as well. Especially the part about resisting the guilt trip feelings when they do have the occasional treat. I have a long way to go in getting my boys to eat a wide variety of veggies, but I see now that my behavior regarding the food we eat could and probably does influence my boys even more than I thought.
Amy says
Bottom line, they are your kids to raise as you please. I applaud you for listening to others and studying for new, maybe better ideas. We are no where as strict are you are, but our family does get lovingly teased for "eating healthy". My husband and I both grew up on terrible diets. We have made changes along the way. A lot of them because we are sick. Thankfully we are getting better naturally, without taking prescription meds. We are only forty! Just to add our approach with our four kids. I choose for the most part what we eat at home. We talk and study about food and why our bodies need what they need. The nice thing now is that or oldest kids, who are 16 and 13, both boys. When they go to friends or relatives houses and indulge in horrible food, they don't feel good. They are choosing to not always indulge or over-indulge because they don't want to come home sick to their stomachs or with a headache. Obviously I'm not glad they are ill, but it has served as a powerful tool in them understanding their bodies and what makes them tick. All this to say, it is our responsibilities to teach our kids. I won't be able to control ther decisions in the future. But they will have the information and hopefully the backbone to go against the grain if need be.
Susan says
We use the 80/20 rule at our house. Otherwise eating becomes too stressful, and let's face it: Eating is a wonderful part of life. It should be celebrated much the way the people in many European countries do.
We went to real food about 6 years ago when my daughter was 11 or so. I wasn't sure how much of my talks about food were being absorbed by her -especially through those challenging teenage years- until very recently. My daughter was accepted to 6 colleges. Three of them she had never seen before, so her father took her to tour them. I received a text from her half way through her trip saying she had made up her mind already. When she returned a couple of days later she explained all the reasons she chose this one campus, but the one thing she kept going back to was that the school cafeterias offered organic foods and that there was a cafe on campus that served grass-fed burgers.
As a parent, you often wonder what, exactly, is being heard by them. How refreshing -and relieving- to know that I was heard all those years and that it also became a determining factor in the next few steps on her life's path!!
Tonia says
Lisa- This post made me tear up a bit. I feel like I have made food a full time job and monitoring my family & their food intake can seem like it's taking over my life. I want it to be more natural, but our world is like the opposing team and I am on the defense all the time. Thank you for sharing this. It was like a sigh of relief to me. Thank you for sharing your insight on this blog. I really look forward to learning along side of you and appreciate your honesty. I bought a BIG box of multi-colored popsicles yesterday & had buyers remorse, but it's summer (well almost) in MN and the kids love them & it's easy (& cheaper than the ice cream truck!). Sometimes we just have to go that route. This was just the post I needed to read this morning! Thanks!
Cassie says
Thank you for this post! I have been trying to change the way we eat (though, believe me, we have a long way to go!) and your website has been inspiring. I am grateful for this post because I had not thought of this aspect of eating healthy and I will definitely try to incorporate this into my changes. Thank you again!